Seemingly discontent with being merely the unlikeable opposition to the economic expansion of Erinsborough, Kyle finds new ways to be detestable, succeeding in this episode as supplicant to Jade during her period of convalescence. It’s impossible not to feel contempt for Kyle as he spinelessly caters to Jade’s every insistence.

"I was thinking of getting you a bell, you know, so if you want anything, you can just ring it"

Over at no.22, Paul informs Sophie that she is forbidden from attending the all-ages gig, held in broad daylight, prompting this reaction from Sophie:

That's actually some of the best acting this show has seen in years

Back to Jade, and drama abounds as Jade ignores Kyle’s advice to stay at home to nurse her broken toe, whipping off her dressing gown to reveal gym gear the second he leaves the house

Oh no Jade, Kyle might find out that you conducted a personal training session! Think of the consequences!

At the coffee shop, Summer waits anxiously for news of her acceptance into the journalism course. Her musing is interrupted, however, by a text from her ‘nan’, leaving me wondering whether it’s from her actual grandmother, or from the mother of a woman that was briefly married to her estranged father

Naturally, it's the latter

At the counter, Sophie vents her frustration to Andrew. “But it’s my favourite band!” she cries. “Red Cotton!”

a

"Red cotton?" Asks the cashier. "That reminds me, didn't you steal tampons here a couple of months ago?"

Anyway, Paul eventually relents and allows Sophie to attend the concert, on the condition that Andrew ‘keep an eye on her’.

At the park, the aforementioned ‘consequences’ are revealed in full as Kyle is mildly annoyed to find Jade exercising without his consent

What a storyline!

At the concert, meanwhile, the full extent of the writers’ outrageous puritanism is on display, as Sophie starts kissing some Zeke lookalike, prompting the immediate intervention of Summer and Andrew, who demand she go home immediately.

"Sophie! Don't you know that's how babies are made!"

TUE

With the deal for the Erinsborough shopping complex in the toilet, Kyle begins dismantling advertisements for the proposed development.

The observant viewer will note that the poster boasts of a 4-star hotel. I guess this explains Paul’s opposition to the development. Unfortunately, it also raises more questions than it answers, such as:

1) What need would Erinsborough, a small suburban community, far from Melbourne and with no tourist attractions, have for a second hotel? One seems excessive

2) What kind of shopping centre features a hotel?

3) What, precisely, is  a ‘world-class four star hotel‘?

After some shrewd detective work, by which I mean a series of absurd coincidences and good fortune, Lucas tracks down Chris’ assailant to the greyhound racecourse, where he’s promptly arrested by Sergeant McAngus.

"And I'd have gotten away with it too, if not for you meddling kids!"

Things take a dramatic turn, however, as Chris’ assailant, identified as Louis Walton, fingers Toadie as the person who directed him to bash Chris. Armed with this piece of information, McAngus heads over to Toadie’s and asks him to accompany him back to the station, explaining that Walton had claimed Toadie had hired him to assault Chris in the garage. “But I’ve never met him before in my life!” protests Toadie. “Well, that’s not what he’s saying!” rebutts McAngus.

"And unfortunately , it's your word, as a trusted pillar of the community, against his, a degenerate criminal scumbag!"

WED

Craftily, Toadie and McAngus set up a ruse to fool Walton, as, in the middle  of Walton’s police interview, Toadie walks in and introduces himself as Louis’ legal aid. That Walton does not recognise Toadie thus discredits his story. It seems criminal mastermind Peter Noonan didn’t think to show Walton a picture of the man he was supposed to be framing.

"Oh no, you've tricked me with your crafty ruse! And after years of planning!"

At the hospital to visit Chris, Tash reveals her VCE score- a whopping 98.5, prompting Summer to antagonise Tash for her decision to ‘only’ want to study contemporary art

"Don't throw your life away Tash! With marks like that you could almost qualify for a degree in hack scriptwriting!"

Chris’ dad then visits and talks to Chris, for the umpteenth time, about whether becoming a mechanic is a good idea. When Chris insists that it’s what he wants, his dad drops the issue once and for all and wishes him the best, thus finally bringing to a close the months-long saga of his disappointment in his son’s career. Finally, we can move on and Chris can have storylines that don’t involve bitching about his dad’s feelings about his career, right? Wrong.

"I just wish he'd tried harder to talk me out of it.." he whines

THU

Lucas’ relationship with Emilia takes a saucy turn, as she shows Lucas a book containing images of herself in the nude-presumably- it’s not directly stated, at least initially, and we have to rely on Lucas’ reaction for clues as to the book’s contents.

"Thanks Emilia, can I keep this?" asks Lucas. "I have my own photos, but the telescopic lens makes the pics distorted, plus your neighbour is getting pissed off with me hiding in his bushes"

Having been fired from his law firm as a result of the fallout over Chris’ bashing, Toadie searches for jobs in the internet. “How about this one?” asks Callum, pointing to an advert. “Generous salary package!”

“It’s not all about the money, mate.” sighs Toadie, condescendingly

Except, you know, when it is, like with the job Toadie just had.

Troubled by his girlfriend’s exhibitionism, Lucas shows the pictures of Emilia to Michael, and is surprised by his open-minded nonchalance towards them.

It's not surprising, Michael is pretty progressive with stuff like that. Remember how cool he was with Tash's nude photos?

With Toadie unemployed for a full 24 hours, the subtle storytelling craft of the writers is displayed as Sonya sighs sadly while rifling through utility bills

"$145!" cries Sonya. "With Toadie out of work, i guess we'll have to send Callum to work in the salt mines."

Determined to put things right, and spare Callum a gritty, salty fate, Toadie heads down to the law firm to demand his job back, threatening to sue for wrongful dismissal if they fail to meet his demands. Impressed by his moxie, attractive redhead lawyer offers him his job back, which toadie takes as fantastic news.

"Hey, wasn't the fact that I was working for a heartless corporate law firm the problem in the first place?"

Elsewhere, Lucas’ inability to accept Emilia’s penchant for public nudity leaves her no choice by to break up with him, saying she refuses to be someone she’s not.

FRI

Over at no. 24, Lucas bemoans his lost love, while Kate prepares to hit the town with some ‘friends’. “Anyone I know?” enquires Lucas. “No, I don’t think so,” comes Kate’s reply.

"Really? That's weird, cos I know Kyle and Jade, and that pretty well covers it, right?"

At the coffee shop, Rhys searches facebook for information on Erin, the doctor whose place in the surgery program he intends to usurp. Kate notices his actions and comments, cattily, “She doesn’t really look like your type.”

"Experience suggests you prefer a more plain, smaller-breasted woman," she continues

Rhys then heads to Charlie’s to have a coffee with Erin, with things going swimmingly up until the point Kate heads over to cock block him by plopping her arse down between them.

"Gee whiz, being a constant bitch to everyone sure is boring!" she laments

Worried by the amount of time Chris is spending at the garage and concerned that there might be some untoward goings-on with his employer, Chris’ dad shows up at the garage to speak with Lucas, catching him in a compromising position and affirming his fears for his son.

"Oh hi Mr Pappas! Would you mind grabbing my tool?"

At the coffee shop, Susan meets Priya Kapoor, who, upon learning of Susan’s involvement with Erinsborough News, castigates her. “My daughter is 14- what she had to put up with after your paper slandered my husband…”.  Priya’s outrage doesn’t last long, however, as Susan convinces her that the story was that dastardly Paul Robinson’s idea, and that she was, in fact, against it.

"Besides," rationalises Susan, "the person who actually slandered your husband was Summer. She's like a daughter to me."

At Charlie’s, Erin heads back to work, giving Kate the opportunity to interrogate Rhys about his sudden feelings for Erin, and like a fucking bond-villain cliché, Rhys outlines in full his plan to get Erin kicked off the surgery program.

"And good luck trying to stop my giant laser- my moon base is impenetrable!"

The year begins with a summary of what would appear to be six months worth of storylines, though the summary takes but a few minutes.  It’s easy because my research indicates that having a season ending cliff hanger is only a biennial requirement.  Last year was the off year. 

The year begins with Chris lying on the ground.  If I know Neighbours, then that means he is unconscious.  Luckily Reece finds him.

Reece: “Chris!!!!”

The emphasis of the additional exclamation marks wakes Chris up.

Chris: “Blow me.”

Chris: “Quickly, here’s my pipe.  OK, an old fashioned will do.”

Now that he has that out of the way, Chris decides he needs to unwind.  This is the perfect opportunity for him to express himself, the way he truly feels, so he dresses up as his alter ego.

Crystal

Crystal’s efforts to doll herself up reap almost instant dividends once he/she hits the local gay bar.

“Hi, Crystal.  My name is Bobby Brown.”

Meanwhile, Toady’s boss has framed him somehow.

Maybe with the power of bad puns.

Tuesday

Through a series of contrived events, including pretending he had a meaningful relationship with an extra, Toady manages to disprove falsified evidence against him.  Despite this the police, rather than investigate the law firm who provided him with fake evidence, search Toady’s house as he is still somehow the prime suspect.

When they open the boot of his car:

An adjustable spanner.

Oh wait, Lucas has labelled his tools.  That seems unlikely.

So Toady has the weapon.  The police instantly assume Toady did it, even though they know the previous evidence was planted, which really questions both the evidence’s credibility and that of the detective.

Meanwhile, the victim is fine.

“ I will never mention this attack again.”

Which is probably wise because this particular episode was record breaking.  It recorded the lowest viewership ratings in the history of the show.  That is no small feat.

Wednesday

As the attack on Chris has become public the council responds by cancelling the proposed shopping centre development, which leads to Paul happily celebrating at Charlie’s and shouting people drinks.

The news is also good for Kyle, as it means his shitty business won’t fail, but his happiness turns to sadness as he acts like a queen because Jade won’t admit she is his girlfriend.

It’s a real emotional rollercoaster ride for Kyle.

Using the equity he gained around the hospital for saving Chris’ life, Reece pleads to be included in the surgery program, but it’s already full so unless someone drops out, there’s nothing she can do.

Reece stares at a picture of this guy as if he is going to kill him to get in the programme.

Thursday

So with Rhys’ (I’ve been spelling his name wrongly) emerging evilness it occurred to me that he is an almost carbon copy of Dr Darcy Tyler.

Anyway, instead of trying to kill the guy who is on the surgery programme (let’s call him That Guy), Rhys calls him up and tries to sabotage That Guy’s first day by directing him to the wrong room.  Unfortunately Rhys undoes his evil master plan – by simply telling That Guy where to go.  It’s bizarre, makes no sense, but lead to Rhys looking at the picture again and selecting his next target.

He sends her a friend invite on Facebook, true to the writers consistent belief that the internet is pure evil.

Michael, meanwhile, has decided he loves Amelia.  The sister of his deceased wife, who he was sleeping with while his wife died and the same woman who is dating his mate, Lucas.  That’s got to be the worst part: Lucas has fucked her and he still wants some.

Guess what happens next.

She falls into his arms.

Even more unsurprising is that this episode attracted even fewer viewers than Tuesday’s.  What a landmark week.

Friday

The Jade “I can’t have a BOYFRIEND…Wahhh” storyline continues.  Kyle fixes her bed and she flips out, but is calmed by Kyle’s uncharacteristically cultured response.

“It’s not like I built you the Taj Mahal.”

At the pub, Kyle clearly forgets his cultured personality in favour of beating a dead horse.  He suggests they go away or something for Valentine’s Day.  Jade doesn’t know how to respond, probably because this storyline is a pile of shit, so she stares at he ground.

Popped collars and singlets.  Good work wardrobe department, perfectly characterising these dickheads as douchebags.

Ok, I have a confession- I lost my recap notes for this episode. And while I’m happy to watch each episode once so that I might recap neighbours’ sweet, sweet awfulness, to watch an episode twice is simply a bridge too far.

TUE

Jade, bags packed, stands outside no.26, prepared to leave ramsay st. Again. At the same time, Kyle sits on a bench, while Jade’s confession of love for him echoes in his mind. I look forward to the inevitable hoary soap opera staple of a race against time to the airport, where, moments before the plane’s departure, they embrace. Just once I’d like neighbours to surprise me with something other than plotlines direct from the hack writer copybook.

At the garage, Lucas tends to Chris, who was knocked unconscious by a mystery assailant- whose identity, naturally, will be withheld by the writers for months on the mistaken presumption that anyone gives a shit.

Back at no.26, Kyle bursts in and discovers that Jade’s cleared out her room. Mal then enters to tell him of Jade’s departure, but before he can open his mouth, Kyle punches him in the nose.

"I'm willing to hold everyone but Jade responsible for her bad decisions. And to think, people said we had nothing in common!"

Bizarrely, everyone in ramsay st rallies to find Jade before she leaves town, despite her having fucked every single person on the street, be it figuratively or literally. At the coffee shop, Franger attempts to explain the saga of Jade and Kyle to Kate in a way that could shed light on Kyle’s motivations for wanting her to stay. Realising that they’ve set themselves an impossible task, however, the writers have Franger’s desperate, mumbled explanation mercifully cut short, by Kyle knocking over a counter display of peanuts.

Franger: "and the reason Kyle still wants Jade despite her acting so awfully toward him is... oh Kyle, now there's nuts all over the floor!"

The action then shifts to Melbourne, and i’m genuinely surprised by the creativity of the writers for once- it seems there won’t be a tearful reunion at the airport after all- you see, Jade’s decided to take the bus.

Touche. Well played, writers.

Anyway, some more shit happens, then, of course, this:

Yay! It's the perfect love story! Providing, that is, your perfect love story includes rejection, infidelity, broken marriages, lies and deceit!

WED

At Charlie’s, George Pappas approaches Lucas for answers as to how Chris got bashed. “Do you think he was bashed because he’s gay?” asks George.

“No, that’s not what happened.” replies Lucas, confidently.

"There's only one homophobe in town, and he's got an alibi," explains Lucas.

At Tash’s urging, her, Emelia and Michael head to the beach where her mother died, and while Tash heads off for a walk along the beach, Emelia and Michael reminisce happily about the day Tash’s mum died. It seems that they’d been fucking in the back of his car while Tash’s mum was drowning.

"You were so wet that day I thought I was going to drown!" chuckles Michael

THU

One person who is leaving ramsay st is Mal, a character I’ve always liked- sleeping with Jade notwithstanding. Speaking of the Kennedy children- whatever happened to Libby? I can’t even remember the cock-and-balls story the writers fed us to explain her absence in the first place.

Anyway, with the person Sonya had organised to play Santa failing to show up, a replacement who fits the physical profile of St. Nick is needed. Naturally, the burden of this responsibility lands with Sonya herself.

Like a glove

Jade, meanwhile, has decided to come to the Erinsborough christmas party dressed not as santa, or an elf, but as a slut.

how boring- she wears this every year

Trapped in a storage container through a series of unlikely contrivances (also known as- the cause of everything that happens on ramsay st), Karl and Susan share some precious memories over a bottle of wine and a photo projector, until, warmed by nostalgia, they passionately embrace- blue box be damned.

It's a christmas miracle!

Susan then immediately informs Karl that that was a goodbye kiss and that he needs to move his shit out of the house.

FRI

The person responsible for Karl and Susan being trapped, it transpires, is Toadie, who eventually arrives to move his car- having  parked at the storage centre for, well, some reason, i’m sure.

At Charlie’s, the teens sit around a table, anxiously awaiting their VCE results. Summer is especially nervous, the Damacles sword of  Michael’s inevitable remembering of her exam transgression dangling over her head. What an absurd storyline that was.

Anyway, elsewhere, Lucas reviews the CCTV camera footage from outside grease monkeys and identifies the culprit using the ‘zoom and enhance’ feature of the video footage. Rather than take the evidence to the police, however, like a normal person, Lucas takes it to Toadie’s boss, for some reason. While waiting to see him, who does he see enter, but the very man previously identified as Chris’ assailant

"That's him, I'd recognise that leather jacket anywhere!"

Later, back in her standard maternity-wear, Sonya has a playful tussle with Callum, who, emboldened by Sonya landing a stray hand in his genital region, paws awkwardly at her breasts.

"Hey, i'm a teenage boy with needs. This acting gig as Callum doesn't get me as much pussy as you'd think"

At the garage, the hospital’s gross negligence has resulted in Chris being discharged before anyone had taken the chance to review his x-rays, which reveal a shattered rib-something a physical examination would have diagnosed, but anyway- a fragment of which could theoretically puncture his lung at any point. Guess, then, what happens next!

You said it, 'Imsouncreative'. Hang on.. are you a neighbours scriptwriter?

MON

Over at the Kennedy’s, Susan confronts Mal – telling him that she knows about him and Jade. Ashamed at her son’s infidelity, Susan soundly castigates him. Mal responds with a look that perfectly expresses his intense feelings of shame, guilt and self-loathing – or of his slight discomfort with mild indigestion- it’s impossible to tell

"ooh, I knew I shouldn't have had mexican for lunch"

Outside, on Ramsay st itself, Emelia impresses upon Tash the need for her to be positive and upbeat for Michael’s benefit. “Ok,” she agrees. “I’ll be perky nurse Tash!”

I did a google image search for 'perky nurse'. The results were as you'd expect.

The trio then head to Harold’s, and with Emelia in an indulgent mood, she announces her intention to buy ‘the most expensive thing on the menu!’. While Emelia heads to the counter to order the seven-dollar BLT, Tash notices Paul at a nearby table and engages him in small talk- commenting that ‘the whole thing between Kate and Noah is so weird!’ ‘Cos like, they’re totally not one another’s type!’

"Kate totally isn't Noah's type! I mean, he thinks that she's the love of his life, but.... wait, what was my point again?"

Anyway, Paul takes Tash’s speculation as hard evidence of some kind of conspiracy- no shit, making this face as he ponders what manner of intricate circumstance could have led to Kate kissing Noah:

"What would drive Kate to such out-of-character behaviour? Maybe I should ask Rhys."

Suspicions aroused, Paul grabs Noah and demands answers. Naturally, Noah spills the beans, and Paul attempts to convince Kate to tell the Victorian teaching board of Brennan’s death, but it seems that Kate only uses tragedy to justify her sluttiness to herself, as she refuses to bring it up.

TUE

Fortunately for Kate, at Paul’s behest, Noah comes forward and tells Priya the ‘whole story’, in an awful scene, in which Noah’s ambition to overact is as overarching as his eyebrows, as he does precisely that

"look how seriously i'm acting!"

At schoolies, Andrew and Chris hit the town. Andrew likes schoolies- it’s where he goes to commit fraud by acting as a concert promoter and to sleep with girls in committed relationships. No wonder Summer was so cool with him being up there without her. Anyway, it isn’t other girls that Summer need have worried about, as a series of photos from Andrew and Chris’ wild night are flashed across the screen. You need to have been pretty eagle eyed to catch them, as each was literally on screen for a split second, butt they provide a pretty compelling picture of the nature of Chris & Andrew’s relationship.

oh ok, that's nice I guess

ok, a little bit 'european', but not outrageous

I see. Andrew's genitals are in Chris' face

The next morning, Andrew awakes, groggily, his butt hurting almost as much as his head. Leaping to his feet, he feels a liquid discharge from his cheeks. “What the hell is this!?” he asks Chris.

"oh, that's just santorum." explains Chris, helpfully

At the coffee shop, Priya explains to Kate that the matter of her ‘indiscretion’ will be handled internally, explaining that ‘Noah made it clear that he was the one chasing you’- as though this rationalisation carries any merit whatsoever.

"Well sure I fucked a 12 year old, but she came onto me! So am I free to go, or what?"

Priya also mentions that she’s ‘sorry for her loss’ and implies that Brennan’s death must be taken into account when considering her actions.

"It's true! I really loved him! He was the only man for me. While fucking Rhys i thought about Brennan at least, like, twice!"

Back at schoolies, Chris takes a bunch of photos to add to his facebook album, titled ‘things I did last night’

Back on Ramsay st, Kate tells Paul that she no longer intends to pursue teaching, and says that she’s “*always* putting other people first- worrying about their feelings and what’s good for them!”

"Like the time I forced Andrew to delete Summer's journalism project- jeopardising her future career, because I wanted to conceal evidence of my own wrongdoing!"

WED

Kyle’s back. With crutches. Returning from an injury sustained by the actor while playing indoor football, the writers had the luxury of several weeks to apply the full force of their creative talents to craft a plausible story to explain Kyle’s reliance on crutches. So what did they choose in the end?

"I fell over a dog!"

Meanwhile, a bunch of raucous teens hurl insults at Kate for having kissed Noah, as Noah is apparently the most uncool kid in school. Chortling among themselves, Jade strides over and confiscates the object of their amusement

see, I wouldn't have thought 17 year old kids would do something like this, but I guess i'll defer to the writers- they're totes in touch with the kidz

Out on ramsay st, Michael chats pleasantly with Summer, enquiring how the rest of her exams went. Amnesia really is the hackiest tool in the hack writer’s arsenal. Karl, meanwhile, gets called in to work to cover for Rhys, who has called in ill. Karl’s suspects foul play, however, when he notices Rhys playing golf in his backyard and admonishes him for pretending to be ill, when he plainly isn’t.

“I didn’t say I was ill,” explains Rhys. “I said I was sick.” As though a semantic distinction exists.

At Erinsborough High, Franger has been assigned the task of cleaning a wall, which has been graffito-tagged with punnish reference to Kate kissing Noah.

She floats his boat? Is she the floodwaters? I'm confused.

Kyle then joins Franger and finds, discarded in a nearby bin, a letter addressed to Kate. Having no respect for the privacy of others, Kyle reads it and learns of Brennan’s death. He then rushes to Kate to offer his condolences. Kate, however, cannot bear the conversation, and, distraught by Brennan’s death, rushes outside, where she’s confronted by Rhys and his long, hard 9-iron.

Rhys: "Wow, this is just like the last time you were upset about Brennan. You grabbed my shaft then, too."

THU

Chris returns home from schoolies with a gay pride sticker, which he insists Lucas display at the garage. Lucas duly obliges, though he obfuscates its message by placing it directly above his pro-catholic bumper sticker

As fate would have it, the Erinsborough homophobe then returns to the garage, son in tow, and comments on the gay pride sticker as an example of political correctness gone mad. Surprisingly, given the writers’ love of stereotypes and cliches, his gay son doesn’t act particularly effeminately .

Though he does look like Fakelan. So there's that

With a lot on his mind, Toadie turns to post-it notes to help him keep track of his hectic workload

"now, what was that one thing that's been at the centre of all my character's storylines for the last few weeks? Oh yeah, that's right."

FRI

The episode begin s with Franger strutting around the house in some red trunks that leave nothing to the imagination.

Providing, that is, you were imagining what a gay man in red panties might look like

Later, after he’s slipped into something a little bit more fabulous, he joins Jade and Kyle in the kitchen, where Rhys is preparing a sumptuous lunch to apologise to Jade for getting upset after she sabotaged his job interview. Jade, for her part, accepts the apology for grunting ‘what’s for dessert?’ before criticising him for not having prepared more of her favourites.

I fucking hope he's put poison in her meal.

After lunch, Kyle finds himself under some mistletoe, and Jade, Mal Kennedy’s splooge not yet dried on her bedsheets, launches herself at him in a bid to spread some ‘christmas cheer’

also, herpes

Later, at Charlie’s, Chris bonds with Blake, the gay son of the Erinsborough homophobe- at least until Tash intrudes, pulling Chris aside and telling him that Blake likes him. “Blake isn’t gay!” protests Chris.

“Of course he is!” replies Tash.

"I mean, just look at what he's wearing! If he were straight, like Franger, he'd be wearing a purple singlet, accessorised with a necklace and frosted tips!"

Later, still at Charlie’s- Jade explains to Kyle that she’s afraid of relationships because her last boyfriend hit her, and that this is why she turns to unavailable men. You see, why it’s perfectly permissable for a man, be it Franger or Rhys, to bet with one another as to whom can fuck a stranger in a bar, a woman, be it Kate or Jade, cannot simply be promiscuous. No, there has to be something ‘wrong with them’ for it to be justifiable.

Lucas’ snout catches a whiff of desperation that follows around a 30 something spinster.

Or maybe its the cheese in her pocket.

This romance is so difficult to swallow.

the cameramen use extreme close ups and dizzying movement to confuse the viewer.

Their romance accelerates and these are some actual quotes just before that poor, poor actress is forced to kiss him.

“OK this is weird.

No just weird.

So we’re seriously going to do this?”

I do like it when they let the actors adlib.  What I have failed to mention is that all this takes place at Toady’s house, but just as they fall onto Toady’s couch, presumably to fuck on his couch (that’s pretty fucked up) the couch saves itself and the viewer.

By falling apart.

Kate continues to act like a bitch to Noah, and when she finds him playing his guitar in her front yard she is furious.

She’s all puffed up like those ridiculous sleeves.

They have a little argument and Kate accuses Noah of stalking her.  Noah is just a terrible actor with an emotionlessly monotone voice.

Der dumb di diddly dumb di der.

Michael has to take sick leave so Libby some lady is promoted to Principal until he gets back.

I’m just going to call her Libby.

Well the Erinsborough History Wall is complete.

Completely just a landscape.

At the unveiling of the history wall, Noah tells Libby that Kate kissed him.  Kate denies it, despite clearly looking guilty, though Libby worries she is stuck in some kind of nightmare reliving her early career as a teacher.

Tuesday

Something is clearly wrong with Sonya, is it:

1. Callum constantly using the internet; or
2. Toady doesn’t want to replace his couch.

Ok, actually it’s both and her reaction is clearly justified.  The drama loosens when Toady concedes to her bitchy requests.

Meanwhile, Libby investigates Noah’s claims by interviewing both Kate and Noah separately.  She explains to Kate that, even though Noah is 18, he still hadn’t quite finished his exams, so this is still an issue.  A point of distinction between this story’s doppelganger. 

Maybe there’s a greater message at play here.

Noah gutlessly decides to change his story, because Sophie asked him to explaining that this would ruin Kate’s life and possibly hers too.  When Sophie finds out that Noah has changed his story, she lambasts him with a barrage of insults, apparently entirely forgetting that she was pleading him to change his story a scene ago.

As Sophie spits venom at Noah, he sits with that docile look on his face.  I hate Kate, but I also hate Noah.  There’s really no upside to this story.  Anyway, Andrew accidentally tells Sophie that Kate did in fact kiss Noah.

Upon finding out, Sophie decides to use a face directly stolen from the Noah School of Emotion.

She decides to tell Libby that Kate has been lying.

Wednesday

Summer borrows some of Lyn’s old clothes.

Kate finally admits what she did, though we, as the viewer, are still expected to be sympathetic to her because we know she did it in the aftermath of finding out her ex-boyfriend died.  Sophie is less sympathetic, as she threatens to move to Sydney and live with Harry (her brother for those who don’t remember).  She moves in with Paul instead.

With the secret out, Andrew decides to tell Summer that he deleted the time-lapse footage to protect Kate.  Explaining that he had no choice.

Summer’s anger is resolved within a scene.

Thursday

Summer can’t sleep, she is clearly stressed about something.

Ah right, it was the whole cheating in the exam thing. 

Cue the most meaningless flashback in the history of television.

Meanwhile, Susan has noticed Mal and Karl arguing.  Because Jade seems to be at the centre of their tension, she concludes that Karl is now sleeping with Jade.  She realises that since Karl and her are over, it’s not like he is cheating, but it brings up old feelings about Sarah.

Sarah remains one of my all time favourite characters.

Karl somehow works out that Susan thinks he is having a romance with Jade.

Her jealousy makes him quite happy.

Friday

The actress who plays Sophie is quite ugly.

I only mention that because she is on television and its quite distracting.

In response to Libby’s request for her to remove her nose ring Sophie distorts her face in ugly refusal.  Libby calls Kate to come pick up the now suspended Sophie.

Which causes her to pull another face.

Upset that her favourite tv show has been cancelled, Kate calls Noah and invites him around so she can forget her troubles with some good old fashioned fucking- as is her wont. Their efforts to initiate romance are stymied, however, by Noah’s skin-tight hipster jeggings, which prove troublesome to remove.

"Come on dammit, I haven't had any cock for a good 5 minutes!"

At any rate, I believe Kate is going about it all wrong; i’m pretty sure Noah hides his penis under that hat of his.

Elsewhere, with Toadie and Sonya finding private time increasingly difficult to come by, they resolve to have a romantic night together. Unfortunately for them, Callum insists on hanging around the house, like the stink from his jizz-crusted trousers. To assist in securing some private time, Sonya enlists Jade to persuade Callum to go over to her house, but her initial attempts prove fruitless.

"come on callum, you can help Franger find a reason to be on this show"

Anyway, they finally shift Callum, but no sooner has he left than Lucas intrudes to inform Toadie of his intention to reject the developer’s offer to buy his business, explaining that he doesn’t want to wind up like Michael, who ‘was so stressed he gave himself a stomach ulcer’- because stress totally does cause stomach ulcers. Also amnesia.

With Sophie and Noah staging a ‘protest gig’ at Charlie’s to force to council to reverse their decision on piratenet, Chris heads to the Kennedy’s to persuade Summer to come along.

"come on Summer, it's 'the' Noah Parkin, plus Kate's little sister- it'll be the gig of a lifetime!"

TUE

At the gig, Noah serenades a disinterested Kate, with a song written just for her. Kate, meanwhile, has worn her best potato sack for the occasion

Later, while flipping through Noah’s scrapbook, Sophie realises that Noah is in love with Kate, leading Sophie to conclude that her new hairstyle and nose ring has been a futile effort to gain his attention, when it seems that what he really wwants is formless, dowdy, pensioner-wear that showcases, all too cruelly, her boyish physique.

Later that night, Franger and Rhys head to Charlie’s to celebrate the quashing of the shopping centre development via lucas’ refual to sell his business, where they leer at an attractive woman at a nearby table.

A woman whose idea of a good time, evidently, is to dress up, head to a bar, not buy a drink, and pass time by staring straight ahead

After a few minutes of obnoxious ogling, they then insult her, calling her ‘high maintenance’, before commencing a bet to see which of them can hit that.

But with her pick of these two fuckwits, surely she's the real winner

WED

After wasting several hours playing a game of ‘see who can spit in the other’s mouth’, Rhys finds himself late for his job interview

franger: "And to think Callum didn't want to play. Kids these days have no time for the classics"

To add insult to injury, he’s terribly hungover from the previous night’s shenanigans, and he soon realises that his ability to answer the questions fired at him by his interviewer, the head of surgery, is severely impaired, as he only gets 99% of them right.

"Fuck!I could only name 7 minor complications of thyroid surgery- there goes my career!"

Rhys then returns home, where he shouts, reasonably, at Jade for not having informed his that his meeting had been rescheduled. “What am I, your secretary?” she screams back, clearly of the belief that common courtesy falls outside her responsibilities as a housemate and a friend.

Later, attempting to set a new record for homes wrecked in a 24 hour period, Jade calls Kyle to bitch about Rhys and conspires to evict him from the house, before heading out to fuck a married man. I think Jade might be the most unlikable character neighbours has ever seen.

THU

Levity is provided at the Williams household, as Tash attempts to make a vegetable soup for Michael, with hilarious consequences

He's either having a heart attack or disliking the soup- Michael's acting range is limited

Oh i see- Tash is a terrible cook. She also proves incapable of converting ounces to grams. If only she were some kind of maths whiz.

Over at no.26, Franger reveals that he, and not Jade, is the person most responsible for Rhys’ poor interview, as he informs Rhys that he’d been buying Rhys ‘doubles’ all night, eliciting outrage from Rhys.

"You are an irresponsible moron!" he screeches.

Franger’s revelation goes some way toward solving Rhys’ conundrum- that is, his confusion as to why he felt so hungover when he’d only had a ‘few drinks’. Apparently, as far as Rhys is concerned, drunkenness is determined solely by the number of drinks consumed over a specific period of time, and no other metric.

"well I've done my formulas and they say i'm sober, but i can't seem to walk straight, so i guess it's a good thing i'm driving home!"

FRI

Trying to make amends with the head of surgery, Martin, over his shoddy interview, Rhys bails him up in a hospital corridor and begs him for  5 minutes of his time, to which Martin grudgingly agrees. “Ok,” he says. “Five minutes. Lunchtime at Charlie’s, don’t be late!”, he warns, although that seems an inevitability, given the vagueness of his suggested time.

Before Rhys can suck up to Martin, however, he first has to attend to Lou, who has come into the hospital seeking a  medical certificate that will allow him to get a refund on a cruise holiday that he has booked. Rhys agrees to run some tests, and will no doubt diagnose Lou with being surplus to the producer’s requirements. Whether it will be cancer or heart disease is the only question remaining.

Meanwhile, at Tash’s, Emilia has made a visit, with a soup for Michael, and to help Tash study. While tash is sequestered in her room, Michael and Emilia murmer, conspiratorially, about how Tash can ‘never know the truth’, which, if I know neighbours, will be something along the lines of Emilia being Tash’s real mum, or perhaps Tash being adopted, thus freeing Tash and Michael from the genetic, if not cultural, taboo of their union and allowing them to finally resolve that bubbling romantic tension.

The week starts at Lyn’s old house with its current inhabitants eating leftovers, which, funnily enough is pretty much what all these characters are.

Why the fuck is Reece a character?  Though he is out pointlessed by Franga.

Those two head off to Charlie’s for a beer and an opportunity for them to be both unlikeable and drunk.  Meanwhile Jade is talking to Kyle on the phone, which makes her randy.

For Mal.

At the pub Dr Cheesedick explains his full proof method of picking up chicks.

“I say I’m a doctor.”

Congratulations writers the show is so boring that even Cliché is tired.

  Come on, Cliché, wake up.

Their attempts to pick up chicks fail so they decide to head home.  Will they stumble on Jade and Mal’s secret romance?  No. 

Expect to see this scene repeated another five times over the coming two weeks.

Andrew decides to help Summer prepare her journalism folio piece: The Erinsborough History Wall.  He borrows her laptop so he can edit the time lapse footage, but some of you may remember that video contains footage of Kate kissing Noah. 

Luckily for Kate the video contains about three weeks of footage, so Andrew will simply increase the frame rate and would likely miss the twenty seconds out of the three weeks footage that is incriminating.

Or it could be the first thing he sees.

Tuesday

Andrew tells Kate he knows about the kiss.  He shows her the time lapse footage and Kate demands that he delete the video, which would ruin Summer’s project. 

What a conundrum.

Andrew claims he can’t edit the footage because he doesn’t have the skills, which seems odd since he took Summer’s laptop to help her edit the footage in the first place.  At a loss, Andrew decides to delete the file off the computer, which is also conveniently the only copy of the footage.

Summer is very accepting of the news.

Dr Cheese and Franga continue their discussion on pick up techniques.  Franga reckons good old fashioned romance is the way to go, you know, roses and chocolates and shit.  He asks Jade for her opinion and, but she rejects it as clichéd.

What a coincidence because Mal just bought Jade flowers.

Upon delivery of the flowers his courtship of Jade takes a turn for the worse.  Despite Mal’s intentions clearly to have a bit of fun, Jade is furious that he tried to romance her.  She slams the door in his face.

Mal, you gotta treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen.

Wednesday

Summer is stressing about her exam tomorrow.  It’s not interesting, but luckily Susan is there to offer support and a montage of studying and overcoming stress.

They are sort of meditating or something here.

That’s the “A” storyline for Wednesday.  In the “B” storyline, Lucas continues his courtship of Amelia. While Lucas has Michael over for a few beers, Emelia implausibly shows up with an even more implausible story about being locked out of her house.  Michael and Emelia are not friendly, so engage pointless conflict.

Thursday

Summer enters the classroom and wait for their exam.  The exam starts and Michael is supervising.  Midway through the exam, Summer regrets having that second coffee.

It’s not sitting well at all.

She gets Michael’s attention and asks to go to the bathroom.  Per school policy, Michael follows her to the door.

Summer drops the Cosby kids off at the pool.

But she is taking too long and Michael needs to get back to the exam room.

Here’s Michael.

But Michael is caught off guard by the fetid bouquet emanating from Summer’s cubicle, he stumbles backward

and collapses on the ground.

Friday

The paramedics urgently give him a dose of oxygen.

Michael is rushed to the emergency room, where we find Tash and Summer nervously waiting in the waiting room.

“Imagine if people find out I queefed too,” we hear Summer think through a voiceover.

After running some tests, Dr Cheesedick confirms that Michael collapsed due to a stomach ulcer, much to Summer’s relief.  Unsurprisingly my brief investigation into stomach ulcers indicates that fainting isn’t high on the list of symptoms, but I’m sure that doesn’t matter.

Michael wakes up and suffers from that other common side effect of stomach ulcers, memory loss.

He thanks Summer for saving him.

Returning home from a sleepover with his male friends, Callum heads straight to bed, claiming to be exhausted from staying up all night- though he’s reluctant to tell Toadie precisely what he was doing all night that made him so weary. In search of clues, Toadie opens Callums backpack and immediately recoils from the stink of its contents. A cursory inspection soon reveals the offending item: Callum’s tracksuit trousers- specifically, a slick, shiny stain coating the front of the garment.

Toadie: "Callum, your friend's father- he isn't a scoutmaster, is he?"

Toadie then goes to the coffee shop to buy Callum some treats, explaining to Lou that he believes that Callum is getting bullied at school- you see, while Toadie immediately assumed an exceeded download limit meant that Callum was feverishly downloading internet porn, a crusty, smelly white stain on his clothing, coupled with evasive behaviour, means that Callum is getting bullied.

Those Erinsborough High bullies really milked him for all he was worth

Lou then informs Toadie that Callum was likely bullied due to student outrage over Piratenet being shut down- the line of reasoning being that students would, in this instance, direct their anger not toward Summer, whose sloppy journalism led to the council taking action against the station, or toward the council, who actually shut down Piratenet, but rather, toward the lawyer who informed Summer of the council’s decision.

"of course!" Toadie actually, honest-to-God, says. "It makes perfect sense!"

Elsewhere on Ramsay st, Kate and Noah’s situation takes a dramatic turn, as Kate accuses Noah of stealing her work apron, but it turns out that Lou had just washed it instead. About 5 minutes of screen time is dedicated to this saga, which is a shame. I’d hoped they’d devote at least 2 weeks to the mystery of Kate’s missing work apron.

TUE

Running into Paul at the coffee shop, Susan pleads with him to help Summer. Paul explains that he intends to do precisely that, running a story on how “the mighty council shut down a small community radio station because they made false allegations that they were corrupt” – his tone suggesting that it is reasonable to argue that the council overreacted to Summer’s slanderous, unfounded claims of malfeasance by shutting down the station- when in fact they’d have been perfectly entitled to do not only that, but also sue Summer into the dirt. In fact, it seems that Summer got off scot-free.

Susan then meets Dr. Doug at Charlie’s. He’s a council member now, and Susan presents her case for clemency for Summer by appealing to his fatherly instincts – proffering- upon his mentioning that he has a teenage daughter – “Well, I bet she keeps you on your toes!”, in an effort to misrepresent Summer’s act as some kind of junior mischief- the sort that he, as a father, would be all too familiar with.

"Oh yeah, all the time! Just last week she wrote a libellous newspaper article about how the Victorian chief of police was a pedophile!"

In the face of Susan’s apologist rationalizing, Doug softens somewhat, grudgingly admitting that his daughter has been on his case since the closure of the station.

"She's distraught- i mean, where else is she expected to hear lies about how her old man is a criminal?"

Elsewhere, Tash’s receipt of her mother’s death certificate reveals that she died of drowning at the beach- leading Tash to question Emelia about her father’s seemingly callous hobby of surfing at the selfsame beach.

"Well Tash, he used to go dirt-biking at her cemetery, but the groundskeeper kicked him out after he roughed up some headstones"

WED

Concerned by Tash’s stubborn refusal to leave her bedroom, Chris comes around with cake and confronts an inconsolable Tash, who tearfully explains that she ‘killed her mother’- insofar as she ran into the sea, requiring her mother to attempt to save her. Earlier, she’d told Michael of her guilt over this incident, to which he offered- “That’s why I didn’t tell you earlier. I didn’t want you to have to deal with this.” – suggesting that he believes Tash is responsible for her mother’s death. “I’m the worst person ever!” Tash cries to Chris. “Hey,” replies Chris. “It’s not your fault.”

"If anything, your father is a negligent monster. What kind of parent allows a 2 yr old to run, unaccompanied, into the surf and swim out sufficiently far to require an emergency, life-threatening rescue? And you say he thinks it's your fault?" Chris should have said, but doesn't.

Summer, meanwhile, is distracted from her studies by her latest plan to rescue Piratenet- a plan which consists of handing out ‘save Piratenet’ flyers at school.

"cheeky bitch- aren't you the one who fucked Piratenet in the first place?" they ask

Outrageously, Summer then suggests that her classmates skip their English exams as a form of protest.

"Of course we will!" the crowd proclaims. "Is there any other way we can jeopardise our futures in order to help you paper over your personal failings?" they clamour to ask.

THU

Squatting inside Piratenet, Summer and her improbable band of sympathisers are midway through their protest when Susan arrives. Unfortunately, she isn’t there for the reasons they’d hoped- that is, to lend media support to help relay their message. “There won’t be any local covery of this protest!” she announces.

Oh that's good. Wait, what? Covery?

Yes, covery. And the threat of the protest is for the students to boycott their English exam. The irony is delicious.

Anyway, the students quickly realise how retarded the plan is and head back to school, with the exception of Summer, who is far too stubborn to abandon her plan now. Having caused a legal imbroglio with her very first journalistic piece, and now a high school English flunkout, Summer’s stocks as a budding journalist are sure on the rise

Don't worry Summer, you can always join neighbours as a scriptwriter, where you'll be free to get confused over the existence of basic words.

However, Summer, like the gutless turd that she is, lacks the courage of her convictions and soon saunters, bashfully, back to school.

FRI

All dressed up for his first day as a paperboy, Callum receives encouragement from Sonya, as she tells him that “it could be worse – you could be delivering something much heavier than the free local paper”.

Hang on, Erinsborough News- a free local paper?

That Erinsborough News would be a free local paper is what I’ve maintained all along- because it is logical. However, hating logic, the writers have contradicted this notion time and again, with Paul continually referring to the need of sensationalist stories to ‘sell newspapers’ and speaking of ‘readership figures’- figures which would be redundant in the context of a publication that is disseminated to all local residents for free.

Additionally, in Tuesday’s episode,  Sonya mentioned to Callum that he wouldn’t be working directly for Paul, but rather that “the job’s through Harold’s”. Harold’s, therefore, would be paying Callum to distribute, at no advantage to them, a free newspaper.

They also have Sophie on their payroll. Her job is to flush their money down a toilet.

Over at no.26, in an attempt to schmooze his boss, Rhys hosts a bbq in the backyard, and wanting everything to be perfect, sends Franger and Jade to Charlie’s to entertain themselves. Everything’s going perfectly until, to Rhys’ horror, he discovers that Lucas has crashed the party.

"Hey Doc, what's cooking?" asks Lucas

Unwilling to deal with the ‘Lucas problem’ himself, Rhys frantically calls Franger to beg him to provide assistance. Ever helpful, Franger arrives to help with the unenviable task of removing Lucas from his greasy cubbyhole, while Rhys tells his guests that Franger is merely there to ‘fix the bbq’, and corrals them inside, presumably in order to spare them the unsavoury spectacle of a proletarian labouring, up to his elbows in blue-collar grime.

"Right you are, Rhys." says his boss. "Such a thing would put one off one's appetitie"

After years and years of cultivating and projecting a normal father – daughter relationship, Michael is desperately protective of the seeds he’s sewn.  An artsy split screen shows Michael looking at a picture of his daughter.

“I must avoid the truth coming out at all costs” he thinks.

Acting on that resolution, Michael approaches Emilia and demands that she leave Tash alone.  She objects, but he reasons that Tash is about to sit her final exams so the timing is extremely bad.  Worried that his excuse will only buy him a few months Michael continues, “plus she is so much like her mother.”

“Just younger,” Michael  sagely adds, as he tries to adopt a more step-fatherly role.

Realising Emilia is perplexed by Michael’s logic, he turns to comedy.

“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”  Nice gag, Woody.

Like a gas filled blimp Summer takes to the air on Piratenet.

Armed with redundant bullet points and baseless hearsay, she is ready to take on the local council.

Toady hears the broadcast and is quick to put Summer in her place.  Explaining that he sent the councillor a bottle of wine as an apology and it could hardly be considered bribery.  Summer, again unwilling to do even a modicum of investigation, accepts Toady’s word and prepares to do a retraction to avoid being sued for defamation.

But before she gets a chance she checks the PirateNet facebook page and finds further proof from Julia Meager.

Or maybe Julia come to a conclusion without the truth.

Summer decides that the bottle of wine could be considered bribery, so she is going to stick to her story.  A minute of research would confirm that a bottle of wine wouldn’t even exceed the threshold as something a public servant needs to disclose as a gift.

Tuesday

Summer, the almighty ethical journalist, is treated to dinner by Paul, someone whose economic interests are against the shopping centre development.

Paul orders a ‘gift’ bottle of wine.

After a night of crapulence, Summer decides to see Franga and find out more about his source.  She finds out the source is a surveyor named Tony.  The next day, as she walks along she happens upon a surveyor named Tony.

It must be her lucky day.

She finds out that none of it is true.  It literally took random pot luck for Summer to check her sources, but now that she has dug her hole, maybe just maybe she will investigate “penalties for defamation,” but probably not.

As she laments her foolishness Andrew reasons that no one listens to PirateNet anyway.  Summer’s comfort is only short lived as her story has made the front page of the Erinsborough News.

It’s more or less international news now.

Once Toady finds out he flips his shit.  Despite this storyline being about corruption and his representing the property developers he storms into PirateNet and, acting on behalf of the council closes the radio station down.  So he is acting on behalf of both the council and the developers, but this conflict is completely ignored by Summer.

“I don’t get it.  Did the council give Toady a bottle of wine?”

Wednesday

If you’re like me watching a character whinge and cry after they make an idiotic mistake is not how you’d like to spend half an hour.

But it’s Summer crying and that’s great.

Even after completely fucking up there’s almost no introspective behaviour.  Instead she refuses Paul’s help because she is a self righteous knob. 

Even more satisfying is this could end her dreams of becoming a journalist.  Or more correctly put, this should end her dreams of becoming a journalist.  But no one seems particularly worried about that, instead they go to plan B The Erinsborough History Wall for her university portfolio.

Even the history wall has a lofty stench of failure.

Thursday

Now that we’ve got over the midweek hump the action starts rolling in thick and fast.  Sonya and Susan have decided to start a book club in which characters will read books and talk about the books.  The storyline really kicks off when Sonya asks Kate to join the book club and Kate agrees.

Then they actually hold the book club.

They decide to meet once a month, and by golly, I’m going to make sure they do.  I’ve diarised it and everything.

Meanwhile Franga is ready for a night out on the town.  But before he can leave he needs to find something.

Franga: “Has anyone seen the tool bucket?”

What the fuck is a tool bucket?  And look at Franga, surely he is a “tool bucket.”  Or maybe he was talking about Jade, having observed her flirting with Mal while her previous fling is off caring for his ill mother.

Nope.  It’s literally a ridiculously shaped storage unit.

Horrible voice, waxed chest and V-neck shirts aside, my entire opinion of Franga quickly changes.  As he starts walking out the door he hesitates and claims “I’m going to the pub and, pretty much dominate.”  That’s pretty fantastic, and it’s quite clearly ad-libbed as Dr Cheesedick can’t help but laugh.

Friday

From what we know about Tash’s family she has been brought up by her Australian father and has had no contact with her Eastern European relatives.

So why does she dress like a ridiculous Russian girl?

Oh right.  I see.

Meanwhile Lucas has somehow sleazed on to Emilia and scored himself a date.  He’s quite excited about his prospects until.

She must’ve sobered up or something.

Undeterred, Lucas decides to “bring the date to her.”  You know what girls love for a first date with a guy they hardly know?  They love it when you drive your van to their work and then lure them into said van with a picnic hamper.

Lucas has clearly had experiences with mouse traps.

After some consideration I don’t think I can accept Franga.  The frosted tips and meticulously groomed “stubble” are both too much for me.

He is just a douche.

At the police station, Kate is informed of Mark Brennan’s death

"I'm sorry, Mark who?"

The detective goes on to explain that Brennan’s chiselled, shirtless physique was found in an abandoned meat packing facility, with Brennan having evidently summoned his last ounce of strength before perishing to kneel down and pose, self-consciously, in a manner reminiscent of Rodin’s ‘thinker’. “It was the gayest thing I’ve  ever seen,” explains the detective.

Kate then heads to the history wall to depict, for time immemorial, some of her and brennan’s most tender moments, such as when he fucked Jade, or how she fucked Rhys so soon after Brennan’s departure that the scent of his manly musk still hung thick in the air.

To convey Kate’s sense of shock, the artistic brains behind this show’s production film -ostensibly from Kate’s perspective- with a fish-eye lens

meanwhile, toadie's calls behind her fade into a distant, surreal echo of "kate-ate-ate-ate"

I can only assume that these bizarre symptoms are the symptoms of shock as experienced by the member of production responsible for this scene- perhaps upon his discovery that Gucci were having a half-priced sale on pointy-toed italian loafers.

Kate then removes her shoes and walks home barefoot, for some reason. Once home, she lies down on her bed, where blue-hued flashbacks remind us that she’s thinking of Brennan, which is important, because we idiots might otherwise mistake Kate’s troubled expression for something else.

"Fresh corn, or canned? I just can't decide.."

Elsewhere, in keeping with the grand neighbours tradition of having the ramifications of an event illogically affecting people who should otherwise be unconcerned, Callum bakes some cookies to cope with Brennan’s death, then tells toadie that talking to Sonya made him feel ‘a bit better’. To console him, Toadie then presents Callum with a brand new laptop.

"Thanks Dad! This extravagant gift will assuage my grief over the death of a minor character that i'm not sure I ever actually met!"

Seeing Kate upset at the history wall, Noah approaches and offers a shoulder for her to cry on. And by ‘shoulder’, I of course mean ‘dick’ and by ‘cry’, I mean ‘suck’.

Not content with wooing Sophie, he's moved on to her sister. It appears Noah wants two of every animal

First Rhys, now this- this appears to be how Kate honours the memory of her relationship with Brennan. I assume that for an encore at the funeral she’ll fuck Lucas right on top of his coffin.

TUE

For her uni application, Summer has decided to produce a documentary on the history wall. She then shows Susan her work so far- beginning with an interview with Noah

and summer, it seems, is three feet tall

“Why do you want to work on the history wall?” asks summer, in her interview. “I dunno,” comes Noah’s daft reply. “I like art and stuff.”

“See!” complains Summer of her video, to Susan. “He doesn’t say anything!”

“Well, that’s because you’re still working on it,” replies Susan, instead of saying, “Well, perhaps that’s because you chose to interview, on the subject of the Erinsborough history wall, the one person with no history in Erinsborough.” “You dickhead,” she adds, for effect.

While Toadie and his corporate lawyer boss are busy with shady and unscrupulous dealings- because that’s what lawyers do- Karl and Rhys and the hospital head of surgery play a round of golf- because that’s what doctors do.

Soap scriptwriters, meanwhile, peruse the 'big book of stereotypes' with one hand, with the thumb of the other inserted firmly up their arseholes

Kate heads to the coffee shop to inform Noah that she can’t allow anything to happen between them ever again. Noah seems like he’s cool with this, but a subsequent examination of his sketchbook reveals the depths of his feelings for Kate.

and yet this sketch appears to be of Summer. The gigantic flared nostrils are a dead giveaway

WED

The beginning of this episode sees Jade get quite the surprise as she walks in to her house only to confront a mystery individual, who quickly introduces himself as Kyle’s larrikin, ocker cousin. We know he’s ocker because, in his first 30 seconds of dialogue, he uses the words ‘franger’ and ‘sanga’. Franger, he erroneously explains, is short for ‘Frankston’.

Kyle’s cousin then ‘explains’ that Kyle has gone to Frankston to look after his mother, and that while Kyle is away, he is going to be looking after Kyle’s business. I’d wondered how they were going to work in the injury to the actor who plays Kyle – what absurd contrivance they were going to force the viewer to accept- and here it is:

"Hi, I'm Franger!"

Jade then takes him to the coffee shop, where the situation is described thusly to Summer: “Kyle’s mum is sick, which is why Kyle’s gone and Franger is here,” as though that serves as an adequate explanation.

"Wait, why is Franger here?"

Franger  then repeats to Summer some rumours he heard about the shopping centre building developers involvement in a corruption scandal with the local council. “You’d have to get it checked out first, but”, he warns summer. Naturally, Summer, expert journalist and Erinsborough’s moral compass, does no such thing, and races to piratenet to defame the building developers and council. Oh, and did I mention that as a community radio network, the council owns piratenet? And that this story is unfounded- based entirely on the coffee-shop mutterings of a stranger called ‘Franger’? And that the viewer is asked to accept that Summer is a brilliant young journalist? Fuck, in advising Summer to check the veracity of his claims first, Franger – Franger- has proven himself a more capable journalist than she

THU

At the Lassiters lake, Michael meets with a counsellor, who encourages him to talk to Tash- commenting, in sympathetic fashion, that “the first step is always the hardest,”  which is an analogy I’ve never fully understood, to be honest- especially, when looking at so many of life’s pursuits, the opposite is true.

"That first mile was tough- lucky for me it just got easier from there"

On Ramsay St, Tash’s aunt, Emilia, is having car troubles. Unluckily for her, Lucas is on hand to deliver unequal measures of help and sleazy innuendo. I guess Lucas considers their first meeting a success, as he ends their discussion with a grimace as oily as his overalls

Later, while walking to school, Tash remarks that she can’t wait til she turns 18 so she can obtain a copy of her mother’s death certificate, and all the answers contained therein, as though being 18 was an actual requirement, and not just a desperate effort on the part of the scriptwriters to prolong this storyline for another interminable couple of weeks

Sometimes I wonder why i bother holding the writers to account on stuff like this- it's like criticising a retard's drawing of the mona lisa for being inaccurate

At the garage, Lucas services Emilia’s car while attempting to woo her. Realising that his best efforts are being ignored, Lucas steals a move straight from Seinfeld and nabs one of her personal effects – in this instance, a boot- to ensure he sees her again

"Costanza, you genius!"

FRI

Unbelievably, Lucas’ plan comes off without a hitch, as he lures Emilia to the bar so that she might collect her belongings. Glass of wine pre-roofied, he encourages her to stay for a drink, but she sagely declines, commenting that Lucas sounds like ‘damaged goods’, to which Lucas, in an oddly defensive tone, perhaps mindful of his brother’s ruined scrotom, retorts, “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with my goods, thankyou very much!”

'Goods'? No - 'Bads'

Clearly of the belief that manipulations and lies are the way to a woman’s panties, Lucas arranges for Emelia to make a house call to give him a beauty treatment, announcing, as she arrives, that he ‘takes pride in his appearance’

Note Lou's bemused expression. Classic neighbours

At the conclusion of his treatment, Emilia consents to a date with Lucas, leaving Lucas rather chuffed with himself.

And Lou's vaudeville antics in the background continue to steal the scene