Neighbours recap 3rd – 7th August 2009



Declan wants to sue Steph, and so consults Tim Collins, naturally. He claims to charge $500 per hour, which he justifies as being the ‘standard rate’ for a lawyer of ‘his calibre’ . When was the last time Tim Collins even won a case? I seem to recall him being routinely and soundly beaten by a man who leads a double life as a spandex-clad amateur wrestler.

Maybe Tim Collins could become a wrestler as well, and challenge toadie to a throw-down. This would be awesome, especially if they did this in court, and the judge had previously decreed that the winner would also win the case. Tim could call himself the douche-monger or something and would let toadie rough him up for a while and wait until toadie turns his back before striking him on the back of the head with his briefcase, rendering him unconscious. Tim would thusly win the case and Karl would be sent to gaol for sexual advances made towards Donna under the pretext of a pap smear (well, she is hot and he is a philanderer).

At this point Callum would declare that he is leaving toadie’s house to go and live with Tim Collins, who Callum describes as being a ‘real man’.Toadie, beside himself with grief at finding his life in tatters, murders Declan for no reason other than to endear himself to me. He then gets sent to gaol.

In toadie’s absence, Tim Collins would then become a series regular and would assume toadie’s position as the resident lawyer. Dee would then come back to ramsay st, claiming that she never died or had amnesia, she just wanted to bail on her wedding to toadie, and with him now safely behind bars, she has decided to return to her favourite cul-de-sac. She then hooks up with Tim Collins and they get married. Also, toadie dies in gaol after being shivved for refusing to give his desserts to the ruling goal toughs. No one on ramsay st goes to the funeral though, because Tim Collins was having a bbq that day.


Ringo decides, on a whim, to become a paramedic. Zeke accuses Declan of acting ‘crazy’. Sunny, Donna and Zeke debate how best to cheer up Declan. Donna, mistaking Declan for one of the girls, or Zeke, suggets ‘junk food and dvds’, at which point Zeke’s eyes light up like a kid at christmas. Declan’s friends then abandon him after he resolves to sue Steph, thus paving the way for an inevitable tearful reunion when they put their differences aside, in, say, a week or so. I hope Zeke’s mascara runs.


Apparently the car accident was caused by Steph failing to tighten a steering nut. Toadie runs with the double entendre and asks Steph about her experience with nuts and how good she is at tightening them. They then go back to the garage and conduct a re-enactment of her service of the Parker’s car. Steph lies on the ground, gripping her tool and talks about the nuts, stiff rods and, no shit, balls, before recalling lucidly that she had, in fact, done the service perfectly and that someone else must have tampered with the car. Luckily, a camera outside grease monkeys has a view of the garage and will therefore provide evidence of the culprit whose actions led to Didge’s death, presumably so that they can recognise that man’s achievements with a medal ceremony.


Lucas, with his stupid face and continually perplexed expression, may be semi retarded. What is completely retarded though, is the storyline that involves Lucas’ thuggish creditor Jono sabotaging the Parker’s vehicle, presumably because he thought the car belonged to Lucas. Because killing him would ensure that he repays you. And if he happened to survive, making the crash look like an accident would surely send a strong message to Lucas and ensure his prompt payment of the debt. In terms of criminal aptitude, Jono is down there with the sticky bandits.


Anyway, as i recall, the car accident was caused by Steve swerving to avoid a horse. So what the fuck is this bullshit about faulty car steering nuts and shit? I’m almost certain the writers came up with this whole storyline after the car accident had been scripted and filmed. It makes no sense.

Elle is shocked at Lucas’ gambling ‘problems’, even asking him ‘who are you?’. Of course, this is all rather hypocritical, given that it was Lucas’ G-rated bad boy antics that made her attracted to him in the first place.

Callum gets busted for liking Kate. Apparently he doesn’t want to fill her with his chubby meat though, he’s just after a mother figure.


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