Neighbours recap 31st August – 4th September



A mysterious stranger talks to Ringo and claims to be Donna’s brother.  He asks to see her but Ringo says she is out of town on holiday. As he is saying this, like literally mid-sentence, a shot of Donna playing with a scarf inside her house is flashed across the screen. This is the ham-fisted neighbours method of telling the viewer that Ringo does not trust this guy, though it  hardly seems necesary given the promos channel ten have been running which show the mystery stranger and then flash the words ‘liar, thief, conman!’ across the screen like subliminal messages. It seems that the neighbours writers hold the  average viewer in such low regard they now feel its necessary to explain their machiavellian plotlines ahead of time, so we don’t get too confused. I’m only surprised they didn’t make the guy dress like dick dastardly and play menacing music whenever he appears on screen.


Anyway, when Declan asks Ringo why he lied about Donna, he responds, “well, he says he’s a music promoter and manages bands” with so much ominous emphasis on the words it was as though the  job ‘music promoter’ and ‘paedophile’ were somehow interchangeable.


Lucas flirts with toadie’s love interest, who has taken her bicycle to a mechanic for some reason. Elle gets jealous.
Dastardly explains that he ‘saw Donna’s blog’ and ‘thought her dad sounded like his dad’ so flew down to meet her. Given the number of random blogs on the internet, i am forced to conclude that the likelihood of such an event happening in real life is somewhere in the region of zero.
Next, in a twist worthy of M Night Shyamalan, Ringo sits down with Libby and talks about how ‘”he’s” a liar, who tells people exactly what they want to hear’. It is then revealed that they’re talking about a macbeth essay, not dastardly. The neighbours writers really are wallowing in their own crapulence this episode.


Deciding to do a background search but being lazy, Ringo googles ‘James Linden’ (dastardly) and finds his blog, which reads as follows:

“As an internet conman,  my work involves trawling through the blogs of millions of teenage girls. I then use their interests as a basis to exploit them. My roles include father figure, long lost brother, and, most popularly for this demographic, that skinny vampire douchebag from ‘twilight'”

I vant all your moneeyyyysss!

I vant all your moneeyyyysss!

Meanwhile, at Erinsborough high, the local school bully tells Zeke and Harry that the school dance will be a recipe for ‘guaranteed action’. Zeke calls him insensitive and prances away.
A shot of a school locker is shown, on which someone has scrawled ‘Kinski is a chess nerd’. That is awesome. Now there just needs to be a storyline that involves hikm being made to bob for urinal cakes in the school toilet.
Dastardly hits on Elle.
Ringo suggests a DNA test for dastardly and elle, a test which will presumably be conducted by Karl with a stethoscope.
Popped collars abound  as Ramsay st reaches new levels of douchebaggery. I’m sure Zeke is somehow to blame.
Having failed to extort Paul, Lyn is nonetheless flush with cash, as she threatens to buy a ramsay st property and ‘stay for good’.
Paul reveals his contempt for his staff and readers with the printing of a newspaper cover story titled ‘Scully-wag’, presumably a character assassination on Lyn. I’m sure the Erinsborough populace will be thrilled to read of Lyn’s antics.
Scully-wag? Oh, I see, her name is ‘Scully’. Top drawer!

Scully-wag? Oh, I see, her name is ‘Scully’. Top drawer!

 Perhaps Erinsborough would be better served with the headline “Local newspaperman breaches all journalistic codes of ethics simultaneously – insiders suggest he ‘doesn’t have a leg to stand on’.”

The net 

result of this article is that the Erinsborough bank manager refuses to give Lyn a loan, presumably because  he considers her scully-wagness makes her a credit risk, and not because of her multiple failed businesses, no job or source of income or even a residence.

Karl and Susan resolve to find out if Zeke and Sunny have been having sex, or as ‘Dr’ Karl euphemistically calls it, ‘pom pomming’. Honest. Susan approaches Sunny at the chicken coop and broaches the subject in an extremely subtle manner using chicken metaphors. My memory of the conversation is a bit hazy but i believe she said to Sunny

“ You see Sunny, a hen, like a woman, needs a cock”

 Paul continues his mission to get Lyn to leave town.He would leave himself, but he has certain journalism standards to uphold.




Donna and Dastardly’s DNA test comes back marked ‘INCONCLUSIVE’. Unsurprising, really, given the methods through which the results were collected.


Dastardly suggets that there are other tests, but that they are expensive, like 8 grand expensive. He offers to pay half but requires her to pay the remaining 4k. Apparently this was his plan all along, which i will now detail for you in handy point form:

  • Find random girl’s blog and see she has a weakness to exploit. Assume for some reason that a public schoolgirl living with friends in a nondescript suburb has money.
  • Pretend to be girl’s brother
  • Despite being outwardly friendly and helpful to everyone in Ramsay st, hope that the girl has a boyfriend and that he becomes suspicious enough to demand a blood test.
  • Hope that through the hospital’s incompetance and general boobery the test will come back inconclusive
  • Tell the girl that it is alright and then attempt to convince her that although there are other tests, she is penniless and the test is expensive. Hope that this girl is not a normal, rational person who would at this point sigh and say ‘you’re right, we should just drop it’.
  • Leave Ramsay st after weeks of research with a whole four thousand dollars. Try not to think about how you would have made more than that by working in mcdonalds for the same period.

So there it is, he wants 4 thousand dollars. Or less than that, once you factor his transport to and  cost of living expenses while  in Ramsay st.

Donna encounters Harry and, mistaking him for Zeke, asks if he’d like to buy a hair straightener.

Dastardly puts the moves on Elle while she works at the general store. His pick up lines goes as follows :

“Hey, lunch was great, and the coffee was just right.” He says these last two words in so sleazy a fashion it was as though ‘coffee’ is a common euphemism for a hot, slippery pussy.  Of course though, Elle is attrached to douchebags like a bee to honey. 

Hi kids, my name is Scott Major, but my friends call me ‘Major Douchebag’

Hi kids, my name is Scott Major, but my friends call me ‘Major Douchebag’

Slick Rick then follows that up with “so, do you work here often?” Classic.

Meanwhile, Callum proves his excellence once more with a moneymaking scheme that involves people paying to see Ben lose his dignity. To compound Ben’s embarassment and ensure that this exercise in bullying lasts long in Ben’s memory, Callum provides a soundtrack to this merrymaking with a soothing island beat.


Donna then tries to upstage them by waving her pom poms around. Dr Karl sees this, and emboldened by his lust, tries to have sex with her. Ok, but seriously neighbours writers, how could you drop the ball on this one? He even called sex ‘pom pomming’ in the previous episode!


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