Neighbours recap 14th-18th September



It is revealed that the amount of money Paul offered to Lyn to leave town was $200k.  Anyway, he is now angry that she did not keep up her end of the bargain instead of berating himself for his foolishness in not giving her the money once she’d left town or making her sign some form of contract. Why he didn’t just hire someone to ‘take her out’ is beyond me. I’m not sure what the going rate for a ‘hit’ is, but i’m sure it’s less than $200k, and anyway, i’m sure that once the hitman met Lyn he’d be willing to offer a discount. The old Paul would have had her bumped off without a second thought. Paul is lame now.

What happened Paul? You used to be so awesome

What happened Paul? You used to be so awesome


Donna, not content with just bankrupting Elle, has also stolen her car and set off to try to find dastardly. Lucas, Elle and Ringo find Donna after setting out blindly to find her. As luck would have it, they happen to find her car on a random dirt road in the middle of nowhere, where she had been forced to stop to change a spare tyre. No male passers by offered to help Donna change a spare tyre because in the Ramsay St world of make believe, it is not a normal man’s fantasy to help out a hot stranded motorist who would in turn be so grateful for the assistance they would do anything.

See, what you've got here is a busted gasket. Now, if you would be so kind as to grab my tool

See, what you've got here is a busted gasket. Now, if you would be so kind as to grab my tool

Anyway, it turns out she’s heading out to a pub called the ‘Rose & Thistle’, because dastardly had mentioned once that he’d had a decent steak there. This piece of information sticks in her mind because it is, you know, the sort of thing a person would remember.

Now that Lyn back in the show, i realised that the writers treat Lyn like a blank canvas whose personality can be altered at any stage to suit the ends of various plotlines. For instance, when she first arrived on Ramsay St, she was a good-natured bogan. She then tried to become fashionable (the mutton-dressed-as-lamb epoch), then became town gossip, then Paul’s love interest, to finally, the role of Female Paul.

Keen to earn two paychecks, Stefan Dennis applied for the role but was declined on the basis of it being 'disturbing'.

Keen to earn two paychecks, Stefan Dennis applied for the role but was declined on the basis of it being 'disturbing'.

I’m certain that as the writers continue to run out of ideas and turn to more desperate and ridiculous scenarios, future storylines  showing Lyn’s versatility will involve this:




As hot as Donna is, she will unfortunately be forever tainted in my eyes after having kissed Zeke. At least they didn’t wind up dating on the show, due to the clause in Zeke’s contract that says the character can and will only date ugly girls.

Kate, or plain Jane, argues with some girl called Amanda over what type of waltz the deb should feature.  How very civilized. Earlier, the two girls also debated over whether it is more traditional for scones to be served with cream or butter and whether croquet should feature before or after the dancing.  In so doing, the writers prove just how in touch they are with the kids of today.

A deb

A deb

Donna finds another woman who has been conned by Dastardly. When the woman reveals she knew him as Zack Nichols, Donna replies, stunned ‘but he told me his name was James Linden!’. She really is a moron.

Anyway, if they really wanted to find dastardly they could simply turn to the awesome power of the Erinsborough media assets, namely the Erinsborough newspaper and Pirate net radio. Between the paper’s immense reach and the sort of worldwide fame that commands leading New York papers to poach their staff and Pirate net’s global significance and the sort of credibility that leads a star like Lily Allen to grace it with a live on air performance and interview, surely they could track him down?

Donna and Kate use facebook and schoolyard politics to prove that Amanda is just using Harry. This backfires after they set up his account and the kids berate Harry for having no friends.

And he'll continue to have no friends if he keeps turning down my friend requests!

And he'll continue to have no friends if he keeps turning down my friend requests!

Happily, Zeke is no more popular on facebook:




Harry’s bullying for having no facebook friends continues with Kyle taking us back to 1992 with the excellent Zinger “wow Harry, that was a great way to pick up chicks….not!” Zeke and his band of losers do not take this slur lying down though, and they get back at Kyle the only way they know how:  pathetically!

I bet the same writer who coined the term 'scully wag' is responsible for this

I bet the same writer who coined the term 'scully wag' is responsible for this

Honestly, ‘crafty Kyle’? Don’t quit your day job neighbours writers, whatever that is.  Harry and Kate then go to class, and by that i mean they are in the same class, despite being years apart at school. But then, erinsborough high only does have the one classroom.
Amanda tells Harry he can’t go to the dance with her. He sulks, but his mood is brightened when Zeke skips in and announces “Oh no you di’int girlfriend! The sulking guy role is taaaaken!” and then snaps his fingers in front of his face like marcia hines.
Toadie describes Zeke’s old girlfriend, Bree, pictured above somewhere, as being a hot chick. No one questions this.
Kyle, meanwhile, reveals his craftines with a retaliatory strike at Zeke that involves  calling him on air and announcing to all and sundry that Zeke is, in fact, a real ladies man, a regular casanova. Why he thinks this would in any way offend a teenage boy is never explained. Zeke plans to escalate their feud by next likening Kyle to a modern Fonzie.
Sunny is having a fit because Zeke has at least two ex girlfriends and a pair of stolen panties.
Sonya tells Toadie that they are ‘incompatible’ because of his car.
Unfortunately that is all i caught of this episode..I didn’t make it to the end because this happened:


This scene needs to be seen to be believed. Presumably because there was a bet as to whether he could make his character any more of a cheesedick, Zeke, summoning every ounce of douchebaggery, reacts to an offer of a free dinner with an effeminate squeal of ‘awesome!’ and a shit-eating grin to match. Check it out, the episode is still on the website,  this happensabout 5 and a half mins into it. Anyway, i was unable to finish watching due to being stuck in the bathroom, vomiting with rage.
Rebecca gets on her high horse and talks about how a coffee consortium buying the coffee shop would be ‘soulless’.  Kate learns that the consortium, ‘Apollos’, is guilty of a litany of offences, including ‘treating their staff horribly’ and  ‘not giving a stuff about local communities’. She also implies that Apollo’s has links to Al Qaeda and that profits from their coffees go towards supporting child slavery and research involving making toxic waste more toxic.
Anyway, this storyline is very reminiscent of the whole ‘grease monkeys’ debacle, when a large burger shop opened next to Harold’s. Or maybe it’s more reminiscent of the time when Mal Kennedy came back a few years ago as a representative of a large coffee consortium and planned to turn Harold’s into a local branch. It seems the neighbours writers are fans of recycling after all.   
Kate whips the community into a panic and they gather outside Harold’s to revolt in a frenzy of ‘Keep profits in Australia’ placards and guttural chants. To whom these chants are directed is never made clear.
Toadie gives an empassioned plea to Elle not to sell Harold’s because it is ‘the heart of the community’. And yet no one complained when they turned ‘Lou’s place’ into a sterile chrome enclosure. So passionate are the cries to save Harold’s you’d think the place was an orphanage, instead of a business designed to make a profit, but unfortunately without the efficiency or quality of service or products that made Apollo’s a giant fictional coffee concern.
What i find most hilarious about this whole storyline though, is the shameless hypocrisy. You see, amidst all this horseshit moralising about keeping profits in Australia and supporting local business is the terrific fact that in 1995 the producer of Neighbours, Grundy Television, was ‘acquired’ by ‘All American Television’, which later became Fremantle Media, which is the content and production division of  RTL Group, Europe’s largest TV, radio, and production company.  
Yes, that’s right. Grundy Television, built from the ground up by ‘Aussie Reg’ Grundy, was bought out by a corporation called ‘All American Television’.  
I got a bit lazy with my reserach after that but assume that after the buyout, Reg, by this stage in his 70s, was forcibly removed from the building he erected with his own bare hands by the heartless foreign invaders and tossed onto the street like a half eaten kebab. Removed from the company he dearly loved, his health quickly deteriorated and he died a miserable, lonely death. No former colleagues of his still working at the organisation were permitted to attend the funeral though, because on that day the yank controllers of the company were holding a mandatory all you can eat hot-dog competition. As a sad footnote to this tale of woe, I am reliably informed that upon the airing of this episode, Grundy was heard to be ‘spinning in his grave’.

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