Neighbours recap 16th-20th November

by

I’m back, dear readers, after several weeks away due to an involvement with another channel 10 programme. It’s all part of the master plan of one day writing for neighbours, so that i might effect the changes we’re all clamouring for. Namely, kill Zeke. I don’t have much planned after that though. Also, i have noticed that in my absence, they have started to put a ‘previously on neighbours’ mini recap before each episode. If they’re trying to make myself and this blog’s co-author redundant they’re going to have to try harder than that. But not much harder.

MON

So Susan has lost the baby, presumably through negligence.

Donna creates a new high-end fashion item, half shrug and half bolero. She calls it a shrugalero, because nothing says classy like an awkward portmanteau, like hamburglar, or procrasturbating.

Some of ramsay st’s fancier residents hold a memorial for Susan’s lost baby Sean, a.k.a. the prop department pillow which has been underneath susan’s blouses for the last few months. Zeke releases some pink balloons into the air.

Susan falls over. The producers select ‘sepia effect’ to make it extra dramatic. I’m glad they paid attention during their grade 7 ‘classy tv trix’ lesson.

TUE

Rebecca and Lyn argue over which of them has the better moroccan lamb, or was it over which of them is more mutton dressed as lamb? I can’t remember. Susan, now in a wheelchair, rolls into frame and Zeke, anxious to avoid the hetero rambunctiousness that is schoolies week, mentions that he is going to skip schoolies in order to look after her.

Rebecca talks about her ‘spanish chicken with a citrus reduction’, which sounds truly horrible.

Donna wants to get a  loan, so in order to present herself as a competant businesswoman in front of the bank worker, Donna takes inspiration from one of Zeke’s toys and dresses as business barbie, while Kate dresses as an amish man. With a mullet.

What happens next is one of the most execrable scenes in neighbours history. Basically, wingus and dingus here perform a pantomime, at the conclusion of which the bank staff rise in unanimous applause. I’m finding myself really beginning to hate Donna, and will continue to do so until the writers come up with storylines more befitting her ‘well-meaning moron’ character, such as her becoming the comic foil in a bumbling criminal team.

And Zeke can be the camp skeleton

WEDS

Dan bails on Libby because she blames him for the loss of the foetus. Dan should instead blame Libby’s lazy, do-nothing ovaries. Or perhaps question why anyone is surprised that complications arose witha 60yr old woman with MS trying to give birth.

Dan and Lucas then drown their sorrows with approximately 3 fluid ounces of beer apiece.

Were i from lilliput, this may quench my thirst.

Sunny whines continually about her overbeaing father, and as she does i could actually feel my will to live ebbing away. That is, until Zeke drops a bombshell and announces that he is going to go live with Sunny. In Korea! As in, not being on the show anymore!

If this doesn’t wind up happening and is simply a tease, well, i don’t know if i can be held responsible for my actions towards the neighbours writers.

THU

Sunny is going to Korea, alone. Alright neighbours writers, you’re now on my ‘enemies list’. Revenge will be swift and unusual.

The other teens reminisce about Sunny and her time on ramsay st. Unfortunately, being a two-dimensional stereotype, her character was poorly fleshed out from the beginning and as a result, all of the memories involve Zeke, On reflection, it’s almost as though her whole role on the show was to act as a beard for Zeke while cynically pandering to the asian demographic in a bid to broaden the programme’s appeal.

Paul Robinson puts 10k into Lou’s account. Or, he meant to, but due to his dyslexia puts in 100k instead. Oh wait, they did do a storyline about Paul being dyslexic didn’t they? Because that’s the only way this makes sense. Lou decides to keep the money rather than inform Paul of his mistake.  Hopefully this means he will splash out on bling and other rich man stuff, like a fleet of zeppelins.

Zeke ‘calls in a favour’ from someone and has Sunny’s favourite band come to play at the bar. No one complains when Sunny literally leaps on stage and starts singing along, out of key, into a microphone. Not even the band’s lead singer, a guy who looks remarkably like an old lesbian.

Sunny leaves a video message on Zeke’s laptop declaring her love for him. Or, that’s what my friend tells me. I don’t recall it happening, it’s as though i’d repressed the memory of it..weird.

FRI

So, the ramsay st residents have thwarted child protection services by having Lou, who up until that point had no real involvement in the lives of the Ramsays, become their legal guardian.

In addition, Lou graces the fron cover of the erinsborough news, in a piece titled ‘everybody’s dad’, a story which details how, as proprietor of Harold’s store and cafe he ‘serves it up family style’. This even prompts Declan to announce that it must be slow news day. Slow news! They could have instead done a story about how an exchange student at erinsborough high returned to Korea to visit her family. That kind of hard hitting journalism is the type that leads major new york papers to poach their staff.

Perhaps the article should have been about how Lou, like the pied piper, lures children into his sugar cave (Harold’s cafe), with the headline ‘everybody’s dad’ being a sarcastic reference to his Fagin-esque penchant for declaring himself legal steward of miscellaneous orphans so that he might send them out in the night to do his bidding.

Harry’s antagonist sees Harry playing basketball and becomes so enraged that he literally charges at him like a rhinoceros.

Harry, having no peripheral vision, never sees the attack coming. I think this bully is my new favourite character.

To make cash, Lucas goes to the bar to offer his ‘services’ to the male customers. When he sees that no one is interested he ramps things up a bit by bending over and clutching a purple elephant. This piques toadie’s interest, but Callum talks him out of it.

Realising that no men are biting, Lucas grits his teeth and resolves to try the, ergh..women instead. Being ugly though, Lucas needs a trick, a ruse to lure the ladies. Toadie suggets he use the baby India. You see, in the world of the misogynist neighbours writers, women are pathetic simpletons who become so weak-kneed at the sight of a baby they will leave en masse with a creature like Lucas so that they might fulfil their ‘biological imperitive’ of manufacturing children.

That's right, crowd round women! I've got enough baby-making semen for all of you!

Lou finds out about Harry’s mistreatment at the hands of the bully, Craig, and vows to give him a ‘taste of his own medicine’

Exactly

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