Archive for December, 2009

Neighbours recap 30th November – 4th December 2009

December 8, 2009

So, it’s the final week of neighbours for 2009.  It’s a bittersweet feeling, but luckily channel 9 has come to the rescue, filling the void in my heart with daily episodes of ‘funniest home videos’.


Steph is angry that Lucas didn’t cheat on Elle with her, instead sleazing onto Libby. Ugly, annoying, poor and now also a womanizer; these are the qualities which apparently attract women. Oh, and he also wears the same clothes every day, like Bart Simpson.

Declan gives Zeke his christmas present early. Zeke hastily unwraps it.

Ringo walks out onto Ramsay st, not even bothering to clean himself up after his rough-housing with Zeke.

Years later, Zeke becomes prime minister, and Ringo uses the t-shirt containing Zeke’s ‘leavings’ to have him impeached.

Dan and Steph have sex, even though she’s old enough to be his… girlfriend. You see, Dan prefers to sleep with children. Maybe Kate or Sunny would be more his speed.


Harry, keen to surpass Zeke as the show’s resident shitbag, pushes himself to his cheesedick limits: Sophie and Kate start singing a joyous reworked version of ‘we wish you a merry christmas’, with the word ‘merry’ cleverly replaced with the word ‘Ramsay’. Harry leans out of the window of his departing automobile and, face pre-grinned, yells out ‘And a Ramsay new year!’.

If only i’d made that story up, then i would have been spared the memory of it having occurred.

Libby, having blamed Dan for losing the baby, something which was not his fault, kicks him out of her home and then makes out with his brother. She then chastises him for wanting to escape the hell that she has made for him on Ramsay st, claiming he is ‘bailing’ on Ben, an annoying child to whom he is not related. Sounds reasonable.


Paul and Rebecca comspire to outdo Lyn in the Christmas cheer competition. Declan likes Kate. He was also married to Bridget. Hmm.

Lou dresses as father christmas. Sophie sits on his lap and queries whether Lou has candy canes in his pocket. Lou replies that he doesn’t and that he’s simply happy to see her.

Donna speaks out against Declan and Kate hooking up, She explains to Kate that this is because Declan and Bridget were ‘soulmates’ and that their union would be ‘wrong’. Because she thinks its reasonable that Declan, 18, should remain faithful to the memory of a girl he was with for a year for the remainder of his 65-odd year lifespan. At least, i think that’s what she said – her moral outrage at the suggestion was muffled, as her mouth was full of weiners, none of them belonging to her boyfriend Ringo.


From out of the blue, toadie’s chick, Lassie, returns, like a good dog.

Ben is excited that Dan, his third dad, will be aroudn this christmas. Libby now has to disappoint him and teach him the valuable lesson that she is in fact, a horrible, man-eating bitch. She then consoles him with the promise that dad number 4 will be along soon. Maybe even uncle Lucas.

It turns out that Zeke got a score of 98.5 in his VCE, but that he ‘only’ wants to work at piratenet. Karl takes umbrage and demands that Zeke become a doctor and ‘find a cure for MS’, thus curing Karl of his wife’s ceaseless nagging.

Ben is upset that Dan has bailed on him. His tears and mournful face put a huge smile on my dial.

oh yeah, that's the stuff..

Karl gives Susan a present of a horse and carriage ride. Unfortunately, the trip soon turns sour after it becomes apparent that the horses’ uncontrollable flatulence is a result of Kramer having fed them surplus cans of beefarino.

Elle dumps Lucas via video message. Lucas cries, like Ben. What a bumper episode this is turning into.

Lucas, heartbroken, reveals his daredevilry bu going 100 km/h on a deserted road when the speed limit is only 70. Luckily, his meek disregard for speed limits results in his crashing into a truck. He would have seen it in time if not his crying pathetically over Elle, with the tears obscuring his flight goggles.

I really hope Baron von Douchebag is dead now


Karl announces himself as the Christmas spirit judge and forces Lyn and Paul to grovel to his whims. Paul then offers to bribe him, but Karl has peculiar tastes and demands instead that Paul dress as an elf.

And then suck his dick

Lyn upstages Paul, however, with a shitty board which says ‘Merry Christmas’ in various languages, or something. Lyn says that this sign is to be ‘put out the front, to remind people of their cultural diversity’. Because Christmas is not about coming together as one, but rather to ‘remind people’ of their racial differences.

Karl, being a noted racist, awards the competition to Lyn.

Karl Kelvin Kennedy. Hmm..

And anyway, what cultural diversity? Is Sunny still in the show somewhere?

Not pictured: relevance

Paul and Rebecca get married in a ceremony so tacky it makes a vegas chapel union look like the Royal wedding of Charles and Diana. The celebrant is a department store Santa.

Lyn looks on jealously.

The christmas light competitions is held. Toadie loses, so has to do a ‘lap of shame’ in his boxers. He hesitates, until Lassie drops her daks to reveal a pair of baggy drawers, leading me to believe that she either a) expected Toadie to lose, like the loser he is or b) has a penis.

Either outcome is unsavoury.

Lyn reveals to Susan that she loves Paul, which makes total sense. Ah, if only the internet could convey sarcasm.

Paul’s son Andrew shows up unexpectedly. The very same Andrew that Donna humped.

As a teaser, the neighbours team then furnished us with a series of shots from forthcoming 2010 episodes.

From what i could gather, the following happens:

– Toadie reveals his love of Steph

– Donna is pregnant with Andrew’s baby. Naturally, because as neighbours has shown us time and time again, any young person who engages in intercourse will result in a pregnancy. Furthermore, the chance of pregancy increases exponentially based on the awkwardness of the circumstances. Donna’s ovaries, up against a random hookup that occurred by cheating on her boyfriend, with a guy who turns out to be the son of Paul Robinson, never stood a chance.

– Zeke commits a felony.

He does this in order to be placed behind bars. Because, well, that’s where the ‘action’ happens.

– On his wedding night, Paul unleashes years of building sexual tension, with terrifying consequences

– Lucas is, hopefully, dead.

– Declan asks Zeke to marry him. Zeke leaps into his arms and cries ‘Fabulous! I thought you’d never ask!’

Alright people, that’s all for 2009. We’ll be back , more childish than ever, for the next season . In the meantime, if anyone can kick Zeke in the nuts and provide me with video evidence, i’ll pay $500.