Neighbours 18th-22nd Jan

by

MON

Will Lucas ever walk again? This storyline of his angers me as it grants him screen time, and if you weren’t aware already, Lucas has been steadily approaching Zeke-like levels of fuckwittery for a while now, and i’m concerned that he will soon overtake him at the top of my nixon-esque enemies list.

Anyway, his accident seems to have given him  amnesia. Elle whom? What do you mean i was engaged until a week ago? No one points this out to him while he sleazes onto all and sundry.

It also seems that there is a new bully on ramsay st. His name is griffo. He’s not much of a bully.

Now that's a bully

Kate goes over to see Ellen and ask to to dinner and to warn him about troublemakers like ‘Macca’ and ‘Griffo’. The makeup dpt, meanwhile, still seems to be stuck on using the gloss polish on Kate’s face.

Better switch to matte..

Toadie speaks to Steph and says that Lucas is doing ok after being ‘rejected by the woman he  loves.’ As he said this I realised it could ONLY be a reference to Elle calling off the engagement. But no, he was talking about Steph’s rejection of Lucas. Did Elle actually exist or was she a figment of my imagination?

In the rehab centre, a cripple pranks Lucas into hitting on the physio by telling him that she ‘loves a flirt’. Lucas then busts out his ‘A’ material- when she asks him ‘what do we have here?’ he replies ‘you have yourself a Lucas Fitzgerald’, summoning his best sleazeface to accompany his dialogue

However, the physio nurse turns out to be evil.

Physio nurse says that Lucas can ‘hide behind his cheesy pick up lines, but that won’t get him walking again.’ Au contraire, nurse, as Lucas then manages to hoist himself up using nothing other than the sheer force of his own douchebaggery.

Lucas quickly discovers that the rest of the  cripples dislike the phsyio, aka nurse Ratched. Lucas (jack nicholson), then hatches a plan to foil nurse ratchet by taking the cripples to the pub to watch the tennis. The game is ruined, however, when a giant native american hoists the television and hurls it through the window in order to make good his escape. Lucas is then lobotomised.

TUES

Paul describes Declan as being his ‘right hand man’. This must have happened during the summer break, when the writers decide to shoehorn all sorts of bullshit into the storylines, hoping that we won’t realise.

Donna chats happily with Susan in the coffee shop, apparently unconcerned that the guy she fucked on the sly at schoolies has arrived in ramsay st to threaten her relationship with a person she claims to love.  Oh, and he’s living in her house.

Lucas reiterates that he loves Steph. Steph replies, ‘No you don’t, you’re just on the rebound from Elle.’ But of course she doesn’t say that, because that would have made sense. Instead she makes out with him, causing me to throw my recapping pen at the television in a fit of rage.

WEDS

The chick Zeke hooked up with at schoolies, Mia, has stalked him to ramsay st. This is after she bailed on him despite his pathetic pleading. She tries to plant a kiss on him and Zeke, horrified, clamps his mouth shut and resorts to imagining hollywood hunks in a bid to distract him from the harrowing experience.

Mia is a vegan. This troubles Zeke because he loves meat.

Hot dogs are his favourite

Mia is an eco warrior and has sabotaged a cosmetics lab. This troubles Zeke as he thinks mascara really makes his eyes pop.

On a previous raid on a animal testing facility, Mia and her hippie cadre inadvertently cure police chief Clancy Wiggum of his asthma.

THU

Steph has come to her senses and bailed on Lucas, and Ramsay st. She does this because she is pregant. I assume Dan is the father. I guess the writers thought that enough time has elapsed for them to be able to bring out the old ‘I’m pregnant to my boyfriend’s brother’ storyline (Stingray & Dylan). Ah yes, that old chestnut.

In lieu of the writers’ penchant for recycling storylines, i recall that the last person who cared about animals was Kerry Bishop. She met her maker at the hands of ruthless duck hunters

That dog found it hilarious

Therefore, i’m expecting a similar fate to befall Mia.

Or maybe it'll be a motorbike accident?

Lou excellently ruins twilight for Sophie and Harry with his constant commentary through their DVD viewing. Gems include ‘how come he isn’t turning into dust? It was good enough for Christopher Lee’ and ‘too much smooching- why doesn’t he go straight for the jugular?’ I now insist that Lou become a film critic.

Lou is torn because his daughter, Lolly, has suffered a horse riding accident and is in hospital. He wants to visit her but is worried about leaving the ramsay kids with an impending DHS appointment. Calling them to explain his situation is strangely never considered as an option.

FRI

Haha.. ok, sitting in the coffee shop, Susan takes my advice and suggests to Lou that he call the DHS and explain the situation, assuring him they’d understand. Lou brushes this off with ‘oh no they wouldn’t’, then changes the topic and leaves.  I think i’m going to take a leaf out of the neighbours book start making decisions based on whichever option is the most retarded and convoluted.

Why did they make Ellen’s character to be 16? He looks 18, he IS 18, the people he hangs out with on ramsay st are 18. I’m sure there’s a reason beyond the whole ‘grossssss… Donna is 18 and he’s, like, 16- hello?’* But i don’t know what that is yet.

* How i assume young people talk these days.

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