Neighbours recap 1st-5th February



So, Donna is a whore. How is it that this Andrew, 16, is such a casanova anyway? He should be made to act more like a real 16 year old, getting random, inexplicable boners and then running away in squeaky-voiced shame.

Anyway, Donna must have a bit of extra cheese in her taco, because when Ellen leaves Donna’s room, his grin is chock full of cheese.

Griffo has put shaving cream in Ellen’s locker and stolen the memory stick containing evidence of Ellen and Donna’s canoodling. Anyway, Griffo stole said memory card so that he could..sigh..blackmail Ellen into telling Harry not to try out for the basketball team. The writers really are just flying by the seat of their pants aren’t they? I tried to google image something which would demonstrate, in picture form,this pant-seat flying but couldn’t find anything satisfactory.

Donna demands Ellen retreive the memory stick or she will ‘tell Paul that she’s a skank’. I imagine he’d be amused.


Griffo and his mates huddle around a laptop, viewing the footage of Ellen and Donna. Going by their slack-jawed guffaws, Griffo’s mates seem to find the spectacle of Ellen making out with a hot chick rather hilarious.

Guy Grossi is judging the cookoff between Rebecca and Lyn. Guy Grossi must have fallen on hard times. Or maybe celebrity chefs are often in the habit of attending meaningless events in bumfuck suburbia on their one day off each month.

Donna walks into the Kennedy’s house to tell Ringo of her misdeeds but chickens out when she realises she’s interrupted him in the process of wrapping her valentine’s present, and in so doing, the writers take the story and stretch it out to the point of absurdity.

This much

Lyn and Rebecca set up their cooking stations, with stoves, ovens and everything else required to cook anything noticably absent.

The writers must have watched mission impossible the other night, continuing the espionage action that landed Zeke in hot water with Donna and Ellen sneaking into Erinsborough high in order to pull up Griffo’s file, expecting to find dirt on him and not the contents of an actual school file- you know, records of detentions and maybe a report card or two. To make the scene more hackneyed, they even ensure the files are kept in an actual filing cabinet instead of a computer.

Of course, this is probably just because the show’s resident computer hacker, Zeke, is indisposed, and it would be an insult to our intelligence to show another character displaying such advanced computer skills.

In the cookoff, with 9  minutes remaining, neither Lyn nor Rebecca seem to have put a cake in the oven, indicating a lack of understanding of the fundamentals of cooking.

Griffo, insulted by Ellen, has the last laugh as he broadcasts footage of Ellen and Donna’s lesbian love.


Ringo, concerned that Ellen has a large penis, chases a fleeing Donna and demands ‘how long!?’ Ringo then decided to leave Erinsborough, rather than tar and feather Donna and send her out of town, hog-tied, in the back of a watermelon truck, which is how they dealt justice in the old days. I assume.

Oh fuck. Ben and Libby are back. Callum slights Ben, and Ben retaliates.

Ben appears to be versed in the ways of the old country

Ringo packs his things and leaves to go to Sydney


Donna stretches to cool down, most likely after one of her marathon sex bouts.

Lucas has sweaty, sleazy charm. He is Moe Syzlak.

Libby has a divorce party. Lucas is morally outraged at the notion of a divorce party, and yet we all remember how he celebrated the breakup of his engagement- in sweaty, greasy embrace with Libby. Or was it Steph? No wait, it was both.

In the best scene of the episode, Callum engages Sophie in an existential debate as to whether she became a nerd because she was ugly, or became ugly because she was a nerd.


Libby passes out because of her anxiety medication, which apparently has the unlikely side effect of making people pass out dead, mid-sentence.

Maybe Dianne Brimble was just anxious?

Kate has a dance audition. The judge is that guy from fast forward. This guy:

Except, for some reason, they made him put on a ridiculous cockey accent.

Kate meets Candice, ‘the bully’ of the dance troupe. Bullies seem to be the flavour of the month on Ramsay St. I bet she winds up dating Griffo.

Kate upstages Candice with this hackneyed routine:

The dance audition appears to be for the role of the alien in a stage production of spaceballs


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