Neighbours recap 1st-5th March 2010



In the coffee shop, Zeke and Karl squabble over Mia. Libby comes in and sits down next to them, visibly exasperated. This prompts Karl to ask if she’s ok. She replies, “i’m supervising detention this avo, what do you think?!”

What i think, Libby, is that as I recall, school detention supervision consisted of sitting at a desk at the front of the classroom, reading a book while kids wrote lines or some shit for an hour. Her tone, though, by which i mean the tone the writers have foisted upon the situation, is that this will be a detention to remember

Oh, good Lord. I was just joking, but it appears that this is actually the direction the writers are going to take. And by ‘direction’, I mean ‘straight-up copy’.

Look, there’s the sports guy

The mysterious, alternative chick

And of course, the rebel, so rebellious he doesn’t even wear his school uniform to detention

Libby, meanwhile, is a shameful imitation of principal ‘dick’ vernon.

She demands that they write 2000 words on an influential woman. How they’re expected to determine this quota without the use of a computer’s word count function is never adequately explained. In setting the essay, Libby tries to teach the kids a lesson in morality.

A neighbours writer. The ironing is delicious

Yep, that’s right, the writers are the ones who could use a lesson in morality.

For fuck's sake, they even put them in the same seating configuration!

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand what a homage is, and under different circumstances I might be prepared to accept this episode as such, however, years of enduring the derivative, cliched scriptwriting of neighbours has forced me to conclude that they are simply lazy and untalented, and that at least one of them recently watched the breakfast club.

In storyline ‘B’, Zeke brings Mia and Karl on air to chat about parents who disapprove of their kids’ relationships. Karl calls Mia a criminal and advises Mia to leave Zeke alone.

Zeke decides to become a politician. I’ll refer you to my post dated December 8th for a look into how his political career will turn out.

Back to storyline ‘A’ and my worst fears are realised as the kids band together to write their essay on Libby. They do this after they realise the detention fell on the same day as her wedding anniversary to Dan, who Harry explains ‘left her’. Actually, that wasn’t what happened, as I recall, Dan was fighting to save the relationship while Libby wouldn’t have a bar of it, preferring to make out with Lucas instead.

Anyway, this is a horribly saccharine ending which manages to sidestep the fact that Libby had essentially been called a role model for abusing her position of power to take out her own external frustrations on a bunch of helpless kids, acting, as she did, like a bitch to them during their detention.


There’s something about Harry that I really don’t like. He looks like a bitch, but i don’t think it’s that. There’s also his strange lack of personality, but i’m not sure that’s it either. What i do know is that he could be cut out of the show tomorrow and no one would notice.

Harry meets Summer in the coffee shop and they talk about guilty pleasures. Harry grudgingly reveals that he listens to Craig David, while Summer is partial to ‘Barbie girl’ by Aqua. Seeing as how the writers pitch this show to the very same pop-teen demographic, they craftily choose artists who are no longer in the mainstream instead of choosing a more relevant and current pop outfit and risk offending a segment of their core audience. 

So, Harry is a giant pussy. He clearly likes Summer but rather than tell Andrew this he is actively helping him fuck her. I’m confident this will lead to Harry getting with Summer, at which point a jealous Andrew will reveal to Summer that “Harry was just spying on you for me”. Summer will be shocked by the revelation but will eventually forgive Harry, and at the end of the day their lives will have been made richer for the experience. I’m sure this will happen, because it’s a cliched situation.

It turns out that Karl’s mistrust of Zeke’s anemic girlfriend Mia is well placed, for you see, Mia has cut a deal with the local cops to go undercover and lead them to the ringleader of her animal protection racket. It seems as though she’s setting up Zeke for this. Like a last-place getter at the special olympics, this storyline is shamefully retarded.

Honestly, there are moments when I’m forced to seriously reassess whether I need to stop watching this show altogether.


Yeah ok, who am i kidding? I’ll stick with this show until its bitter, implausible end.

Searching for validation that she is dating Declan, Kate goes onto facebook to check his relationship status. What an age we live in. Meanwhile, why is this even a storyline? I think it’s a way for the writers to once more reveal their misogyny as Harry’s most admired woman, and the person appointed legal steward over two minors, is reduced to a bawling wreck over her inability to determine her relationship status with Declan.

Anyway, Kate and Declan eventually make out at uni, while a congregated gawking rabble applaud for some reason.

Pure drivel.

Toadie asks Lucas the question we’ve all been wondering: “Why don’t you just get on your bike and leave?” Which, of course, is perfectly valid. Lucas’ response, “because i’m here to stay,” is an insult to us all. It’d be like finding out that the conclusion of lost is that they’re all on the island ‘just because’.

Which is actually looking increasingly likely.


Lucas concludes that Toadie  and Steph’s relationship must be a sham because Toadie is jealous about the time that Lucas and Sonia have been spending together. Presumably if Toadie hooked up with Elle, Lucas would be cool with it, because that’s how his logic works.

Lucas tells Libby about Toadie’s jealousy with regard to himself and Sonia. Shocked, she assumes her best puzzled face and exclaims ‘why is Toadie jealous?!’

Puzzled face

What the fuck!? Like Lucas, her reasoning suggests that Dan could hook up with anyone without it bothering her. Oh wait, no, that’s kind of the whole reason this storyline exists in the first place. Fuck this storyline is retarded. Powerfully retarded.

At the episode’s conclusion, Steph tries to sit down on a couch, but gets it all wrong.


Steph watches Kate and Donna dance at Charlie’s to  whichever Australian band is in a desperate financial situation, which for some reason triggers a sepia-toned lesbian fantasy involving herself and Libby.

Donna’s confidence is low after Summer ragged on her for getting ‘played’ by Andrew. To make her feel better, Kate tells her not to worry about Summer, because she’s ‘just a kid’. A kid that’s the same age as Andrew. That should make her feel better.

Donna then gets slammed by her lecturer at uni for her air-headed lack of sympathy toward feminist ideals.

Two minutes later, the same lecturer goes weak-kneed at the mention of fashion and starts hysterically gossiping with Donna about clothes. This actually happened. Do they writers even watch this shit before it goes to air?

Donna’s shrugalero manufacturer quits on the delivery or something. This means she need to make a bunch of shrugaleros. So she enlists a bunch of ramsay st residents to help out and doesn’t pay them.

Well, it works for Nike

Donna is still feeling low about Uni. Declan’s advice to her is to ‘man up’

Apparently, the same advice he gave to his girlfriends


One Response to “Neighbours recap 1st-5th March 2010”

  1. Simon T Says:

    I love ‘congregated gawping rabble” – so true. Maybe Australians do spontaneously applaud all the time? They did to Connor’s mediocre tin-whistle playing, back in the day.

    Steph’s sofa fail was immense.

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