Neighbours recap 29th March-2nd pril 2010



So, Donna’s mum’s diary has been burned. Burned like their bridges into serious dramatic scriptwriting that became the case when the writers started churning out this shit.

One thing which escaped the ‘inferno’ was a spell which Donna’s mum had written, presumably while at hogwarts, to break up the lecturer and his then girlfriend.

Donna's mum was the hogwarts town bicycle

So then, according to internet deviants, Donna’s father is Lucius Malfoy. Mystery solved.

Anyway, to gather more info, Donna, Summer and Zeke go to the university where her dad used to teach. It seems details of his current whereabouts are inside one of the university computers. Unfortunately, said computer is being guarded by a gargoyle.

It turns out she used to know Zeke and his dad. To thwart her, they come up with a plan which involved Zeke crying over his dead father so that she would abandon her post to console him.

Zeke, leveraging past tragedy for personal gain, like so many SYTYCD competitors before him

With the lady gone, Summer jumps onto the computer, furiously searching for the right piece of information that will lead them to Donna’s dad. When she finds a folder called ‘Nicholas McKay’, she exclaims “And Bingo was his name-O!”.

Which may well be the lamest piece of dialogue ever uttered on screen.

Not as far as the writers were concerned though. At their board room read-through they all thought it was gangbusters

Unfortunately, the kids joy is short lived as they get back to Zeke’s computer only to discover that the files have been encoded, in wingdings.

The writers do this in order to stretch out the storyline a little bit longer, and to force us to accept the preposterous notion that universities routinely ‘encode’ their staffs files in bizarre fonts.

So, for the third time in about as many weeks, some teens break in somewhere in order to steal some files. I wonder if the writers just copy and paste thir plot ideas from week to week.

Anyway, remember that scene from star wars where they’re stuck in the trash compactor and the walls are closing in on them?

Yeah? Well, apparently so too do the writers, as the teens are almost crushed mid-hijink by the gargoyle in the university library.

Because the kids would rather suffer an undignified, pointless death than alert the librarian to their presence, or even, you know, just move out of the way, they remain slent throughout the ordeal and need to be saved by the intervention of a timely phone call.

Anyway, Zeke discovers that Donna’s dad was let go by the university. He then proceeds to keep this a secret from Donna, presumably in order to spare her the shame of knowing that her philandering, child support-dodging deadbeat dad happened to have also lost his job at that particular university.

Also, why do they always make a person’s search for their ‘real’ father such a dramatic plotline? Donna says it’s the key to ‘finding out where she came from’, as though meeting her ‘dad’ would somehow lead to some gigantic existential revelation, instead of just being in the presence of one of what appears to have been a veritable procession of random strangers who happened to have fucked her mum some 18 years ago.


The episode starts with Donna standing next to a postbox, quoting some poetry. Zeke likes the impromptu performance and shows his appreciation with a shit-eating grin of epic proportions.

I almost stopped watching right there- honest to God. Happening, as it did, within a minute of the episode’s opening, I had no time to brace myself. It felt like my gut had been kicked in its nuts.

Lucas confronts Steph and complains about how Toadie ‘stole’ her from him. This bothers him because he owned her, fair and square. Perhaps he should have taken out insurance.

Zeke, in vest and matching coolots, chides Susan for her safe storage of dairy products in the fridge

He criticises her for this because “she knows how he likes his fresh cream to be served….


Once i was done vomiting, I noticed that Lucas has very nearly completed his metamorphosis into rat-man hybrid.

This would explain the mysterious cheese shortage on ramsay st


Karl and Sysan play golf. To make things more interesting, Susan suggests that should she win, she gets Karl’s glasses. In the event of Karl’s victory, he gets access to an alluring and mysterious ‘blue box’.

Apparently Sam Worthington made and won this same bet.

Because he is excellent, Callum pranks Toadie by replacing Steph’s dvd of her ultrasound with Kate’s copy of ‘an officer and a gentleman’. No points for guessing which movie Kate is suddenly going to want to watch.

If you guessed Porky's revenge, you're wrong

The blue box turns out to be full of sex toys and the like.

Because the prospect of Kate wanting to watch a particular movie only moments after its contents were switched wasn’t quite unlikely enough a scenario to force the viewers to accept, Toadie manages to reclaim the DVD and puts in where ‘no one will ever find it’- inside a copy of ‘poetry for secondary students’

The lingering camera shot of the book suggests the wriers aren’t done insulting our intelligence just yet. Expect there to be an Erinsborough high poetry assignment imminently.


Because having Declan sleep in the spare bedroom of her house is ‘too much, too soon’, Declan leaves to go back to stay at Paul’s.

Toadie, now out of a relationship, resorts to increasingly desperate and elaborate methods of achieving sexual satisfaction.

Here, he invites children to reach deep into his 'funnel of love'

Not one to shy away from a challenge, Callum obliges, leaving Kate with the responsibility of mopping Toadie’s alien seed from the coffee shop tile

Declan, spurred on by Zeke’s insistance that ‘In the navy’ he can ‘put his mind at ease’ as well as ‘sail the seven seas’, decides to join the armed forces.

Zeke knows about the navy, having once applied for the role of ‘Leathered flag-waver in chief’, but was disappointed to find that no such position existed.

TV had lied to him

Kate and Declan’s romantic lunch turns sour once the bill arrives, with Dec having managed to have seriously underestimated the cost of a meal in the restuarant of the hotel of which he’s a manager. Unrealistic meal prices notwithstanding, Declan decides that, naturally, the obvious way out of this sticky situation is to strip for money.

Customers at Lassiters hadn’t seen such outrageous managerial behaviour since the days of the previous Lassiters chairman, Carrot Top.


Using the oldest trick in the hack scriptwriters handbook, Kate cries while chopping onions.

Declan, or amino acid sulfoxides? You be the judge

She cries because Declan laughed at her attempt to instigate some ‘intimacy’. Donna explains that sometimes guys just aren’t up for it because they’re tired, or because they’re hungry. Of course, neither of these explanations are true of the heterosexual male.

To ensure that Andrew stays on Ramsay St, Summer and Harry need to make Andrew popular amongst the residents. To achieve this, they enlist the help of Lucas. Presumably only because he would appear favourable by way of comparison.

Andrew then enthusiastically peruses a copy of girlfriend, hoping to find some new ghd styling tips.

Steph asks Summer about her interest in Andrew and she loses it, crying out that ‘its not like I love him or anything’ before giving the camera a lingering shot of her face that suggests otherwise.

Or do I?

And yeah, the rest of the episode was primarily concerned with the contrived turbulence of Kate and Declan’s relationship. I assume you don’t give a shit, so I won’t bore you with the details. If only the writers had done the same.


2 Responses to “Neighbours recap 29th March-2nd pril 2010”

  1. Mich Says:

    God, i love Meighbours recaps. Fucking love this. Dont stop!

  2. maicie Says:

    i love neighbours whoooooooooooooooo

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