Neighbours recap 12th-16th April

by

Hey all, sorry for the lateness of this recap, I’ve been a bit preoccupied with the launch of masterchef- it turns out I’m one of the top 50 contestants- try to guess which one, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised

MON

Some of Ramsay st’s fancier residents have set up a ‘blokes’ club’

The dialogue which led to their clinking of glasses (a gesture known as ‘cheers’ when done with an alcoholic beverage) was Zeke pronouncing that “it is with great pride that I declare the first blokes cub officially open!’ They appear to have celebrated this landmark occasion with glasses of soft drink and a cupcake with pink sprinkles for Zeke, while Kate, in the background, carefully oversees the proceedings to ensure things don’t get too rambunctious. Blokes Club. Jesus, even at a ladies high tea they have champagne.

Lucas who will henceforth be known as rattus, or Rattus. P. Rat for more formal occasions, joins the ‘guys’ to dicsuss plans. Lucas says there are four ‘secret ingredients’ to any uccessful blokes club- stereo, fridge, couch and a tv. He seems oblivious that he has just described a girls night in.

Donna’s first day as a barmaid isn’t going so well, even after she gave the bar owner head

with wit like that, I should be writing for two and a half men.

Anyway, it’s less than a day into the blokes club and Declan has already bitched out, sneaking off to go and see Kate. He then leaves her by saying that he ‘has to go get some nuts for the boys’. Perhaps he should get himself some while he’s at it.

Declan, planning to bail early from the bloke’s club official inauguration for a secret rendezvous with Kate, arrives at the venue with cologne and hair product. The ‘blokes’ descend upon him, with Zeke hasty to chastise him for his use of hair product

He does this with his own bouffant hairdo standing proudly to attention, much like his penis at being confronted with a perfumed Declan, who represents an arousing melange of his repressed homosexuality and the girls he claims to like.

The bar manager then stalks Donna, a brand new employee, to Charlie’s, checking out her references, he claims, though not with a phone call but with a far creepier personal visit. He then sits her down and plies Donna and her girlfriend with drinks.

In real life, all of this man’s actions leading to this moment would have been driven by a single motivation: fucking her arse.

TUE

Zeke and Donna pretend to be going out, in order for him to maintain his closeted charade for a while longer

Andrew sucks up to Libby and buys her an apple. She’s fucked her students for less.

Remember?

Andrew shows up to soccer practice and his stunt legs perform some fancy tricks.

Donna is all geared up to confront her father to tell him she’s his daughter, but fate intervenes- she catches him making time with some floozie

I am so sick of this hackneyed shit! This must be the tenth time in the last two weeks that a person has been on the brink of revealing a secret, only to have their resolve evaporate in the face of some ridiculous circumstance.

Lynn is back, with a ridiculous new davy jones hairdo

WED
‘Crafty Kyle’ runs afoul of Andrew working in the coffee shop. Kyle says to him “I didn’t figure you for a waiter, I thought you’d be more into party planning.” His emphasis on the words ‘party planning’ and raise of tonal pitch suggest to me that this was a joke, though I’m unable to determine how.

Steph enquires as to whether Lucas has been using her new filing system. His response that he has been a casual user of it, at best, causes her consternation. She asserts her authority, saying it would make her life easier if he did what she asked, and he replies ‘because it’s all about you isn’t it!’ – as though her managerial directive for him to utilise a filing system was a metaphor for her longing for Lucas’ affections. Hell, in the world of the neighbours writers, maybe it is.

Andrew encourages Kyle to hit on his stepmother. His penchant for filming sexual escapades appears to be taking a sick new turn.

THU

Well, the cat is out of the bag. Through a series of hilarious calamities, Lucas discovers that Steph is pregnant, or as the neighbours producers have written on the website, ‘up the duff’, and proceeds to tell all of erinsborough.

To deal with the heartache, Lucas dons his motorcycle helmet, which shows he means business, and tries to steal some cheese.

He is, however,  too slow for the trap and as such is unsuccessful in his attempt, with a sore neck his only reward

Summer is all excited about Steph being pregnant and gushes excitedly how this means she’ll ‘be getting a new brother or sister’, though I’m not sure how that works. Have the writers retconned Summer’s history so that she’s now Steph’s daughter, instead of being the child of one of Steph’s ex’s from many years previous?

Libby, meanwhile, is upset that Steph didn’t tell her that she was pregant earlier. Steph explains that she wanted to wait for the right time and place to break the news, knowing how much she wanted to have a baby herself with Dan. She should have simply explained that after Susan’s failed attempt at surrogacy, she decided to be a true friend and simply take matters into her own hands. And by ‘matters’, she means ‘Dan’s weiner. Problem solved.

FRI

Nick calls Donna’s phone repeatedly and then insists on meeting her at Charlies. Apparently this is the normal behaviour of a bar owner towards a casual employee who quit after a day.

Proving that her love life is motivated by things as fickle as what she feels like for dinner, Libby announces that she’s hungry and is going out to grab some Indian.

She then flirts with this man for a while, declaring that nothing satisfies her more than a big load of hot, dark chocolate. She then backs up her claim with a demonstration of her ability to please him physically by dislocating her jaw like a boa constrictor devouring a wildebeest.

They then run into one another again in the erinsborough high hallway, but this time Libby’s disturbing mating rituals are interrupted by Ben, cruelling her chances with a dancing display so fancy, no straight man could bear to witness it.

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One Response to “Neighbours recap 12th-16th April”

  1. hotdogwehaveaweiner Says:

    “I’ve been a bit preoccupied with the launch of masterchef- it turns out I’m one of the top 50 contestants- try to guess which one”

    Are you the Lyn Scully lookalike, Jackie Neill?

    http://www.masterchef.com.au/top-50-contestants.htm?photoid=5441.htm

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