Neighbours recap 26th-30th April



Ringo searches in vain for his dignity, missing since his fancy revamp upon his arrival back on the show

Donna feels bad that Ringo took umbrage to her cheating on him. Forlorn, she believes that competing in a 3-legged race would solve her troubles. She is, however, short of a partner. Somehow, superdad knows this and shows up to save the day

Donna unfortunately takes a tumble and needs Ringo to put a bandaid on her knee. Superdad seizes the opportunity to stare, without subtlety, at her tits.

Zeke and Karl have a heart to heart chat. Oh, wait..

So, Zingo and Naomi are going out. She is, naturally, a psychopath, because the writers feel this show needs additional drama. To show that she is insane, they have her check her new boyfriend Ringo out on facebook- truly the mark of a madman. They even play creepy music while she does it, lest we, the viewers, misunderstand her actions as being entirely normal.

Andrew is convinced that Donna’s new dad is dodgy because he used a debit card to settle his bill at Charlie’s. He turns out to be a conman, because, apparently, as far as the writers are concerned, a couple of months is considered sufficient time for us to have forgotten that Donna’s last ‘relative’ also turned out to be a conman.


Karl still doesn’t know that Libby is dating his meanie of a boss, Dr Doug. Would this mean inevitable slapstick scenes of Karl just missing seeing Libby in Doug’s presence? Surely not, that’d be way too hackneyed.

Oh yeah, that’s right, this is neighbours.

In an emotional scene, during whicch the temper trap’s ‘fader’ is being played for some reason, Donna gets the DNA results and finds out that her father is…. dream dad!

Things quickly turn sour, however, when Donna discovers that he has ulterior motives, and the man who was dubbed ‘Saint Nick’ during his AFL days turns out to live up to his moniker and has a present for Donna in his sack.

Yep, testicles.


To determine presidency of the bloke’s club, the guys watch one another work out in the gym, then play board games while Karl quotes love poetry.

From what I understand, also how UN leadership is determined

In order to disrupt the bloke’s club and have Zingo all to herself, his stalker steals the blokes club fusebox and throws it into a lake. Ratburns (ratman + sideburns)  is outraged

Remember how I predicted, some weeks ago,  that Steph’s ultrasound DVD was going to be ‘discovered’, because the writers are goddamn hacks?

I’m not angry, just very disappointed.

Seeing the DVD, the pieces suddenly come together for Lyn, via a series of flashbacks that reveal Steph’s duplicity. With sepia being the hack scriptwriters tone of choice for such scenarios, the writers flex their creativity with a contemplative blue.


Now Lyn knows, she grills Steph about her pregnancy dates. Steph tells her that all that means is that Toadie and her had sex while she was still with Sonia. This is apparently a major disaster and they spring into action to stop Lyn from telling anyone. Amazingly, Lyn is here the voice of commonsense and advises Steph and Toadie to just tell everyone ‘the truth’, because ‘Sonia is out of the picture’, and no one gives a shit about her anyway. Toadie replies ‘no Lyn, it’s done’ in order to maintain this stupid fucking storyline that has been maintained months too long anyway.

So what if Steph fucked Dan? Libby made out with Lucas at the same time, and probably would have humped if not for Lucas’ inability to source a condom for his rodent-sized phallus.

Lucas repays the hospitality extended by Paul for letting him stay at his home by collecting his bags at the door, like the servile, undignified creature that he is.

You’ll also notice his trademark leather jacket appears to have been stolen from the costume department wardrobe (sir, I am in your debt) – a disaster, considering the characters are so poorly fleshed out and two dimensional the writers feel its necessary to have their clothes perform the bulk of characterisation in lieu of actual, quality scriptwriting (See- Mia’s hippie ensemble, Summer’s ‘edgy’ outfits, Zeke’s vest). Because Lucas is a ‘cool bike dude’, he has, of late, been wearing a t-shirt which reads ‘bike week racing club’, and looks for all the world like a K Mart special.

Surprisingly, Paul then tells Lucas of Elle’s adventures in NY. Unsurprisingly, Lucas does not then regale him with the story of how it was due to his heartache or their breakup that led him rebounding into the arms of Steph, thus undermining the validity of his and Steph’s relationship and voiding the whole stupid storyline- no, he says ‘I’m glad she’s doing well’, and scurries away.

Lyn then nags, and nags, and nags, until Steph breaks down and screams at Lyn that ‘the baby is Dan’s!’


Andrew is driven by some bizarre homosexual oedipus complex and is attempting to break up Paul and Rebecca’s relationship so that he can be with Paul, and, evidently, Kyle with Rebecca.

Kate is a teacher now, with Libby mentoring her on how to deal with students. Odd choice of role model, considering fucking her students was how Libby dealt with troublemakers. After that happened, how was Libby even allowed to continue to teach, and at the same school no less? And maybe the writers don’t remember their school years, but stories and rumours, especially those of a sexual nature, tend to linger within and about the consciousness of the school for many years, long after the original students involved in the incident have since left (see: Knox ‘apple chapel’, Trinity ‘anaconda’). In this climate, Libby wouldn’t be able to show her face in Erinsborough high without a randy teen thrusting his junk into it, reminding her as he does so that ‘that’s how she likes it’.

Rebecca has a plan for a piratenet promotion, which, according to her calculations, would cost ‘hundreds of thousands’ of dollars. A promotion. For piratenet. A community radio station in a small suburb on the outskirts of melbourne. Do the writers really expect us to swallow this tripe?

A less discerning neighbours consumer

Because he acted up in class, Kate decides to deal with Harry the Kate Ramsay way.

Its the same as the Libby Kennedy method, but with smaller breasts


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