Neighbours recap 10th-14th May



The writers appear to have only discovered the internet this year and in their excitement have gotten carried away and explored every single dramatic plotline that could possibly arise through a person’s use of the internet. Because the writers are, as I’ve proposed, doddering octogenarians, they are naturally suspicious and mistrustful of any new technology, especially one as new-fangled as the internets. This is why all the storylines involving the internet have been cautionary: moral warnings against its use: For instance, consider the following:

  • Donna getting conned after posting a ‘vlog’ looking for her brother
  • Donna’s life ruined after Andrew posts video of them on the internet
  • Paul accidentally transfers 100k into Lou’s account through internet banking fail
  • Kyle’s good reputation being smeared via a facebook campaign highlighting his craftiness
  • And most heinously, Zeke hosting a radio show on the internet.

That’s it kids, using the internet is like playing with a loaded gun- why, even your facebook bff is more than likely a conniving shyster ready to rob you of your savings.

Anyway, the writers now turn their attention to internet dating. Lyn has signed on, because, as she describes in horrid detail to a disgusted Summer, her “vag hasn’t been pounded in so long, a crust of dried mucus has formed over its surface”

Summer and Harry deduce that Lyn’s mystery internet date is none other than Lou Carpenter, and they hasten to intervene, knowing his osteoarthritic penis would crumble to dust should he attempt to thust it betwixt Lyn’s granite-hardened vulva.

In order to prevent this union, then, Harry and Summer dress as ninja terrorists and declare, with megaphones, that any resident caught dating would be executed.

No, not really, but that scenario would have actually been less convoluted and been easier for them to accomplish than what actually happened: they hire ‘fake dates’ in order to give Lou and Lyn the ‘dates from hell’, though from where, or how on such short notice they managed to achieve this is never explained, other than Summer muttering that she once hired the old man playing the role of Lyn’s date to act as her grandfather when she needed to get out of school once. I can only assume that at Summer’s old school, hours away from erinsborough, incidentally, parents were required to show up in person to explain why their child wasn’t at school.

The most galling aspect of this scenario, however, is that not two minutes ago, Harry and Summer announced they must prevent Lyn from meeting up with Lou because “it would totally turn her off dating forever”, presumably because of the embarassment of the awkward situation. Hmm. Surely they would just laugh it off, like two mature people who have been friends for years?

Anyway, to avoid this embarassing situation, Summer has decided to give Lyn, as she herself describes it, the “date from hell”. Because it’s far likelier that a nightmare date wouldn’t affect her desire to pursue romance in the future.

Fuck. My head is actually spinning with the retardedness of this episode. No shit, spinning. It feels just like this:

Just look at that storyline, it's laughing at me!

Anyway, despite only being able to hire the actors at literally the last second, they are able to coach them extensively in the qualities to exhibit which Lyn and Lou find most repellent.

To solve the problem of the principles daughter in the not-quite revealing photoshoot, Tash and Andrew put their heads together. Their dialogue goes as follows, verbatim:

Andrew: We need to be focused on the problem. The problem is the posters

Tash: Um, in case you hadn’t heard, my dad won’t let them go up

Andrew: The posters aren’t the problem, you are

Marvel at how he manages to contradict himself within four seconds! Classic. Andrew then has a lightbulb moment and exclaims “I’ve figured it out!’ Tash answers “this had better be good”, to which Andrew smugly responds, with a knowing glint in his eye “oh, it’s good!”

So what is his brilliant brainwave?

Photoshop some modesty on her. And by modesty, I mean it looks exactly like this picture I found while googling ‘1920s bathing costume’

Proof- the writers are 100

She is also wearing an eyepatch because.. oh right, piratenet. An extremely tenuous link to a product and some sex appeal is apprently all thats needed to make a successful advertising campaign

And to think the neighbours writers are on the fringe of the creative industry. At any rate, why wouldn’t Paul be the face of Piratenet? He has a wooden leg and everything


After kissing Summer, Harry is walking on sunshine

Andrew, meanwhile is angry, so angry he’s developed kind of facial retardation

If that punching bag looks familiar its because it’s the same one which Dan wailed on when he had personal problems. And Ringo. Oh, and Lucas too. Apparently someone’s bright idea of showing an aggrieved character dealing with his problems physically was deemed so brilliant they felt they had to use and reuse it time and again. The writers should be given an environmental award for their commitment to recycling.

I don’t know why Andrew doesn’t just take out his rage on Zeke- it’d be more satisfying for all parties (i’m assuming Zeke would relish the physical contact).

Harry walks up to Donna and fake Declan and squeals “Summer kissed me!” then makes this face:

That face says 1000 words, or rather, just one word, “gay”, repeated 1000 times. Over at the bloke’s club, meanwhile, Zeke announces that in order to become a real ‘club’, ‘tough guy’ matching outfits are required. The rest of the club aren’t so keen on his suggestion though:

Andrew shows up at Summer’s house to attempt to derail the budding romance between her and Harry. He comes equipped with two ‘VIP access’  tickets to a gig, which a ‘friend’ got for him. He then tells Summer that this same friend has also offered them a lift to the gig in his maserati. This fake friend, who I think is called Bob Sacamano, is apparently the coolest guy ever, yet has nothing better to do of an evening than chaperone children on their dates.

Summer tells him it’s Harry she wants to be with- saying that while she has fun with Andrew, she feels she can have D&M’s with and talk to Harry. This confuses Andrew, as he’s been discussing emotional troubles with his guests on his show for years.

To deal with the heartache, Andrew makes out with Tash, the principal’s daughter, at Charlie’s. I didn’t get a screenshot, but it looked just like this:

Lucas sees this and says, no shit – “make you feel better!? Not cool mate, not cool.” He keeps a straight face as he expresses his outrage. Did the writers really think think we wouldn’t remember that Lucas made out with Libby moments after getting dumped by Elle? Oh, and seconds after that, Steph? And he tried to put the moves on the rehab nurse. Oh yeah, and also toadie’s ex, Sonia, after getting dumped by Steph. The exact thing he’s just condemned Andrew for doing, then, is basically his own signature move.

Honestly, the writers could have used any other character to say that to Andrew- it’s like they’re just taking the piss out of us now.

Anyway, Summer finds out about Harry and Andrew’s bet, much as i predicted months ago.


The new principal introduces himself to the students with a speech. During this, Harry tries desperately to explain himself to Summer. With the camera focused on Harry’s fumbled apologies, the principal’s speech continues offscreen, and because he’s offscreen the writers don’t appear to have furnished him with lines for this scene, as he proceeds to utter the nonsenical gibberish of a lunatic, such as expressing his love of “chucking my board into the sandman and heading down to winkypop”. He finishes the speech by rambling the following advice to the students: “but I also believe in the importance of being here, and i’m making the most of the opportunity that you have so you can afford to take time out to hit the.. bitch”. And no, I didn’t mis-transcribe that.

In the coffee shop in the next scene, Toadie steals some of Ringo’s chips, saying as he does so that “someone elses chips always taste better when they’re someone elses”. I assume that scriptmaster2000, the neighbours script-generating computer, has malfunctioned

The real writing team

Ringo’s stalker/girlfriend Naomi almost drowns when her bikini is ‘caught in the spa’ and she’s pulled under. Ringo shows up to save the day. Karl calls bullshit, and is the only one to treat this ridiculous lie with the contempt it deserves. He warns Ringo, who dismisses his concerns.


Paul realises that in order to stay afloat financially he needs to ‘increase his profits’. To execute this brilliant strategem, he declares his intention to take over the school canteen at Erinsborough high, imagining it to be ‘a little goldmine’. Fuck me, no wonder he’s bankrupt.

not pictured: a person above the poverty line

Paul and Rebecca submit their proposal outlining their intention to win the canteen contract to the principal, who rejects it. Consoling him, Rebecca leans over and air kisses next to his cheek:

I guess Rebecca’s herpes have made her an insurance risk and can’t risk contaminating the other actors.

Paul threatens the other competing businesses in order to wrest control of the school tuckshop. Paul, realising he has hit rock bottom, takes his own life.

Ringo figures out that Naomi is a psycho- the revelation occuring via a series of blue-hued flashbacks- just like in the Lyn sequence two weeks ago!

Lazy, hack writing motherfuckers

Because the cool new principal is a cool surfer, the writers follow the established path of having props provide characterisation- in this instance, a surfboard hanging from his roof and a ‘cool’ wave patterned lampshade. Cheap and stupid, like I imagine Lucas’ real life girlfriends would be.

The new principal announces the ‘winner’ of the canteen contract, an event of sufficient magnitude to draw half of ramsay st for the occasion.

I hope turd sandwiches are part of the new tuckshop menu, so that the kids can swallow the same shit we, the viewers, have had to.


To raise money for the RSPCA, Rebecca organises a ‘walk your dog’ day, so that the ramsay st residents can each fork of $40 for the privilege of walking their dogs.

As Rebecca doesn’t have a dog, she has to walk her cat. Because the writers think cats are inherently funny, this situation is treated with much mirth by her fellow ramsay st residents.

Kate scores a dancing gig at some event. An MC, with Todd McKenney campness, announces the routine as ‘this aftenoon’s entertainment’.

The routine itself is horrible, and the decor so tacky as to send Zeke into paroxyms of panicked, limp wristed flailing. What the event actually is, is of course never explained. The writers appear to have come to the conclusion that the show’s viewers are indiscriminate, goggle-eyed morons who’ll happily lap up the shit they shovel in our faces without complaint, returning each and every subsequent evening so that we might pathetically proffer our bowl and beseech of them: “please sir, can I have some more?”

Karl’s bird goes missing and he thinks Rebecca’s cat has eaten it. If you are thinking- ‘Karl’s bird? What bird? What the fuck is this plotline?’ Then you’re not alone. And yet this dramatic saga goes on for a full five minutes.

Wait, make that 10 minutes; Karl has just called Toadie over to discuss the possibility of suing Rebecca for damages.  This episode really is just a loud, wet fart.


2 Responses to “Neighbours recap 10th-14th May”

  1. Simon T Says:

    Didn’t Summer go to boarding school? (That is, however, perhaps the least ridiculous part of this ‘storyline’)

  2. Neighbours recap 21-25th June 2010 « Recap – Neighbours Says:

    […] one of my previous posts, i wrote at length about how the writers are old and are fearful of the internet. I listed several […]

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