Neighbours recap 24th-28th May

by

MON

Donna is thrown in gaol because stealing a patient’s file from a hosptial is apparently a lock-uppable offence. After an initial interrogation, the cops then hold Donna for further questioning, then decide to conduct a raid on her home to look for evidence. I can only assume that in the laws of Erinsborough, petty theft carries the death penalty.  Donna protests that she didn’t steal any file and that ‘it was Naomi who framed her’. Ringo replies ‘that sounds ridiculous!’ Yes writers, I couldn’t have put it better myself.

To prove that Naomi is setting up Donna, Ringo and fake Declan break into her house. In her room they discover a shrine to Ringo. Is this actually aberrant behaviour for a teenage girl?
Meanwhile, it seemed like only yesterday that i was guiding justin bieber through his adventures on miracle world.

Dr Doug tells Libby that he had to report Donna to the cops because he ‘plays by the book’, and i’t could put his job in jeopardy’ if he didnt.  I expect the ‘book’ he’s referring to is the Kama Sutra, as he then violates hospital policy and common decency by fucking Libby in his office.

Barging in a few minutes later with some urgent paperwork, Karl witnesses the proceedings and is rather aroused by the sight of his daughter getting nailed by his younger and more virile superior.

Ringo puts out a restraining order on Naomi. I’m not quite sure why Fake Declan or someone didn’t just say to him: “Just roll with it, she’s hot and she’s all, like, brainwashed and shit- you can make her your slave!” Which would be totally great advice.

Donna, now out of gaol, explains to Ringo that it was the ring he bought her that brought her comfort in her cell, as she played with it during the long, hard night. This is reminscent of the way Andrew brought her comfort by playing with her ring all through the night during the many instances she cheated on Ringo. I mention this as it looks like a Donna/Ringo is imminent.

TUE

Naomi is in a car accident. It occurs after she waited patiently at a crossing for the lights to change, before calmly, and with practiced ease, stepping out onto the road. And yet i’m convinced the accident will be misattributed to her anguish over Ringo.

And…. it is.

Naomi wakes up and starts whining to Ringo about the negative impact he’s had on her life. Surveying herself lying in a hospital bed, she comments that she’d “never done anything like this before in my life!”, which can only mean ‘exercise due caution in crossing a road’

WED

Naomi’s careful road crossing has sent Ringo into a spiral of self doubt. He’s now no longer sure that he’s got what it takes to be a paramedic. To emphasise his defeated attitude, the writers show him emerging disheveled from his house, like a washed up loser. It’s a remarkably swift transition from model citizen to shirtless hobo.

Poor, washed out Ringo was forced to pawn his jacket zipper for booze money

Zeke points out  Ringo to Karl and Susan, who look on, obviously concerned by his appearance.

Evidently, the rest of Ramsay st dress up in their Sunday best to retrieve their newspapers from their lawns in the morning.

Donna seeks the help of the blokes club to revitalise Ringo’s enthusiasm for being a paramedic. To aid in this endeavour, she requests that Zeke bring his man-love-equin

THU

The rule of adding glasses to make an ‘instant nerd’ seems to apply inversely, as John Q Poindexter’s application of contact lenses gives him all the summer-pulling coolness he needs

And then some, as Plotsy J Extra shows up to invite him to a cool party

Plotsy’s party seems to be the event of the millenium though, as Tash goes into a fit at not having been invited to his lame party, which, i might add, came complete with invitations.

And lollybags?

Meanwhile, the position of erinsborough high basketball captain is presumably second only to prime minister, as the former nerd is rapidly elevated to king of the kids. Naturally, people in such positions of power are prone to drawing detractors, as a jealous rumour is circulated that Poindexter bribed ‘the school’ to make him basketball captain- a situation so far fetched i almost didn’t bother with a sarcastic chortle.  Maybe the writers are using this situation to make a political statement about the plight of Zimbabwe and the horrendous humanitarian concerns that have arisen as a result of Robert Mugabe’s corrupt regime. Or maybe they’re just fucking morons.

FRI

Fake Declan and Kate’s relationship heats up, and in a moment of passion, he blurts out that he wants to stuff his balls in her mouth like she was a carnival clown. To his disappointment, Kate misses the innuendo and takes him literally.

Griffo offends Harry’s honour by calling him “Cheater McCheaterson”

Harry soon has his revenge, however, as he announces to the school via PA that the basketball captaincy was legitimate and that Griffo was wrong to question the moral standing of Poindexter. Chastened, Griffo reacts dramatically to this news, suggesting that by providing him with fraudulent information, Tash ‘made him look like an idiot’. Poor, sweet Griffington. He pleaded with his high school classmates that lies make baby Jesus cry, and yet they persist in spreading mean rumours about people. When will people learn, he sobs that evening, his pillow soaked with the bitter tears of his public shaming.

Despite being the former coolest and hottest girl at erinsborough high by a country mile, Tash is now a social reject for having made up such a hurtful rumour about some random loser. Her fall from grace is so profound, spectators gather to stare onwards as she endures her punishment of wiping clean blackboards, each of their muffled guffaws a sledgehammer blow to her wounded pride.

If only her guilty conscience would wipe clean as readily as these chalkboards, she ponders dejectedly.

Reading between the lines, it became clear to me that the writers, subjected to a vicious routine of insults, wedgies and rear admirals throughout the course of their own schooling, have dreamt up these celluloid fantasies as a coping mechanism, a hollow attempt to convince themselves that maybe, somewhere there’s a place where goodness, honesty and abstinance are the traits which determine high school popularity. The scenes they construct are precise mirror reversals of their own humiliating experiences- it was a writer, therefore, who was made to clean blackboards- not with a sponge, but with their own bared buttcheeks, while the attractive cool kid, Natasha (her name was almost certainly actually Natasha), along with with teachers, the janitor and selected guests all pointed and laughed.

Lyn suggests that unless Steph and Toadie’s wedding is a gala extravaganza, then ‘people’ are going to ‘ask questions’ about the veracity of their relationship. What, then, of Al Bundy? He hated his wife, and no one doubted their relationship

So, then, to Lyn’s suggestion, Toadie should have responded with an emphatic “Uh, no Peg’. And then flushed a toilet.

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