Neighbours 7th – 11th June 2010



Fake Declan and Paul have a fight. Kate suggests fake Declan apologise. He replies “I can’t apologise to that man, look at what he’s done to me!”

Truly, Paul’s most diabolical effort yet.

Paul sabotages a building site. Donna shows up, improbably. Scaffolding falls on her and knocks her out, the foundations of the building as flimsy at the steph/toadie storyline.


Because the neighbours producers couldn’t entice the actor who played toadie’s brother to come back to the show, they run a scene where toadie has an angry conversation with his brother on his mobile. It turns out that Stonefish will be in gaol for the wedding and can’t make it. I don’t know why they didnt just replace the actor who played Stonefish with some random. I mean, the writers are usually ok with replacing a character once they’ve been off screen, such as Summer’s triumphant return as a hot new person, or the time that Declan left the house to go and buy a litre of milk from Harold’s and came back looking like this:

The milk had cost Declan not the usual $2.50, but his dignity

With Stonefish out, Toadie needs to find a best man. Callum offers but Toadie’s unwilling to give him the role, presumably because he’s worried that with the excellent Callum in charge the party might get out of hand.

An artist's rendition of Callum in 40 years

What this storyline does point out is that Toadie doesn’t have a single male friend. How sad.

Anyway, Paul later approaches Toadie and requests that he shut down the investigation into the scaffolding collapse, as though Toadie were in a position to be able to meet such a request. Susan, meanwhile, wants to investigate it further in an article for the newspaper. She’s even dreamed up the title “Scaffolding collapse, who did it!?”

She even gesticulates enthusiastically with her hand in a manner approximating a banner in order to lend weight to her assertion that it is, as she puts it, “the perfect headline”.


Not willing to let such an excellent headline go to waste, Susan confronts Paul and insists that it really is a great story. Paul disagrees,  telling Susan that that sort of story doesnt sell papers, before producing a copy of the Erinsborough news with a flourish and contending, “this type does”:

Given previous headlines that this rag has produced, including their pulitzer-winning expose of Lyn’s true moral character (a piece, you may recall, entitled “Scully-wag”), I’m forced to conclude that this story is literally concerned with a local councillor’s fondness for iced vo-vos.

Lyn castigates Toadie for working for Paul. As she puts it, “I’ve been there, remember?”

I do remember that she was engaged to him, maybe she considers meeting his bizarre bedroom requests to be work.

“You sign on, and before you know it, you’re doing terrible things” she continues. Ok, so she was talking about their sexual congress.

Zeke, meanwhile, is keen to win Ringo’s affections and suggests he accompany him to an all-male performance of high school musical. Ringo sarcastically responds “Yeah, I like nothing more than a bunch of pansies”.

Misunderstanding him , Zeke then surprises Ringo with a bunch of pansies.

Donna’s dad, keen to have Donna all to himself as his dungeon-bound sex slave, undermines Ringo’s contribution to Donna’s rescue in an efficient display of cock-blockery.

Lucas  and Steph have both applied for t he role of Erinsborough high mechanics teacher, the writers keen for us to believe that mechanics is in fact a normal part of a school’s curriculum and that this isn’t just a ridiculous contrivance to create tension (sexual, no doubt) between Steph and Rattus.

In an argument with Donna’s ‘dad’ outside her hospital room, Ringo blurts out that he loves Donna. They talk about it, and Donna, having cuckolded Ringo, then salts the wound by spurning his attempts at a reconciliation, leaving Ringo bereft of dignity and leaving him with no choice but to kill himself.

To make the prinicpal, or perhaps themselves, appear intelligent, the writers hit the thesaurus, then have him call Lucas and Steph into his office where he wows them by using words like ‘kinesthetic’ and ‘pedagogy’, delivered all the while with shit-eating smugness.


During Toadie’s bucks party, the principal and fake Declan wrestle vigourously. Zeke watches enthusiastically, hoping their rough-housing will give way to more intimate relations

At one point Zeke gets so carried away he momentarily drops his guard on his closeted charade and shouts “Yeah! That’s it, take him from behind!”

I did not make this up.


Harry announces that he’s leaving Sydney to become a basketball pro. Andrew sagely points out that Harry can scarcely cut it in Erinsborough, let alone in a huge city.

This rattles Harry and he has second thoughts about leaving. “What if I leave you guys to go there and then everything goes pear shaped?” he laments. Presumably, the answer is that he’d then come home, n0 big deal, right? His obvious distress, however, suggests that he believes a darker fate would lie in wait. He seems aware of the way the tide is turning and perhaps he’s worried, justifiably, that if he were to leave ramsay st, even for a second, there’s a better than average chance that he’d be replaced upon his return by someone who looks like this

Somehow knowing where Sonya lives, Steph races over to her house to tell her that Toadie loves her and that the wedding’s a sham.

With Lyn in charge of catering for the wedding, Steph sensibly commisions a wedding dress fashioned from toilet paper

Libby then blathers on about how happy she is that Steph has finally, finally found the man who makes her happy. She seems to have forgotten that Steph and toadie were engaged years ago, for realsies.

Sonya deduces that the baby is Dan’s. She is outraged, despite not, as far as i’m aware, ever having met Dan.

Next week it appears as though this whole sorry debacle will come to its overdue conclusion.


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