Neighbours recap 5th-10th July 2010

by

MON

First, a prelude to this post. Network ten, the same tv station that broadcasts neighbours, also airs the horrible sitcom ‘modern family’. This being the case, the deem it appropriate to intersperse every 5 minutes of their online content with the same fucking ad for modern family, including right at the beginning, even before the opening credits. This makes me angry, so if any of my entries seem more rage filled than usual, it’s likely the fault of that terrible show. Or neighbours’ poor scriptwriting.

Andrew describes the family’s fiscal situation to a bemused Fake Declan. Realising he’s not getting through to him, Andrew attempts to better elucidate  by employing a metaphor involving the mechanics of a heterosexual 69, though it appears  Declan understands such matters even less.

If my dad goes down, your mum goes down too

Zeke, furious that the pizza man delivered him a ham & pineapple instead of the jalapeno and pepperoni variety that gives him the ring-stinging sensation that he so sorely craves, angrily tosses the contents of his overnight bag at the confused pizzaboy.

"Take That!" He squeals, pleased with the manner in which he was able to dismiss the pizza man and mention his favourite band in the same utterance

Pirate net is losing audience.  To revitalise the flagging station, Paul calls a staff meeting.

Look at these fucking hipsters

These hipsters don’t even live in Ramsay st. According to them, they  “live in the moment”

Paul announces that he has hired a new dj by the name of Paddy O’Sullivan.

Zeke is mortified at Paddy’s wearing of a Hawaiian shirt without so much as a trace of irony. “Stuff that right-wing meathead!” shouts one indignant hipster. The staff then go on strike. Luckily, the staff prove to have been unnecessary the entire time as  Paul,Rebecca, Andrew and Donna, none of whom have radio experience, band together and easily resume broadcasting.

TUE

Armed with proof that Paul has been embezzling from Lassiters, Diana Marshall sets up a video call to the hotel owner, who is surprisingly not a man named Paul Robinson but rather a lady called Rosemary Daniels, who the writers are keen to have us believe is situated in a plush New York office.  They achieve this by having her sit in a cheap office setting in front of a green screen, onto which a typical New York tableau is poorly projected.

It turns out what Diana really wants, however, is Paul. Post intercourse, Diana reveals that noithing has changed and that she’s still determined to destroy him. Paul is left alone in the room, contemplating his lapse in judgement, and also how such a shit and cheaply furnished suite could be representative of a ‘five star international hotel’

The bowl of fruit is a nice touch though.

WED

I must say, i do like that Paul has cheated on Rebecca, it’s something the Paul of yesteryear would have done. Dan, meanwhile, has had a motorcycle accident that has crushed his testicles and left him without the ability to have children.

Dan, sans testicles, is probably still less emasculated than when he was quietly accepting Libby’s abuse and wild accusations. Libby, however, believing her job of reducing Dan to a horrible shell of a shadow of a man is not yet completed, continues to demean and ridicule him as he recovers in hospital, by sending him gifts of fruit

and nuts

THU

Donna starts ‘freaking out’ because her life is good and she doesn’t have any dramas, a situation she is not accustomed to. Perhaps she should cheat on Ringo again, just to spice things up a little.

It transpires that Ringo applied for the U.S green card lottery when down and out in Sydney, in order to get away from it all and start afresh. However, back in Erinsborough and with a career planned out, this is clearly no longer a relevant concern of his. When a letter arrives in the mail informing him of his successful application, part of me wonders why he entered his erinsborough address on the application form as the destination for return correspondence, when at that stage he clearly had no desire to return, however, I don’t have too much time to ponder, as Zeke pops up and begins to insist that Ringo move to the U.S. Because, like, if the chance ever came up to move to America you’d just have to take it, cos it’s like, sooooo awesome.

Zeke is, of course, naturally biased, his favourable views on the U.S. fashioned from the hit tv musical Glee and a certain uncle, Sam, who used to creep into his bedroom at night.

Sam still sends Zeke christmas cards

Donna has stars in her eyes and dreams of what life might be like in New York.  ‘Yay! New York!’ she bleats, probably. Perhaps instead of new york, they should catch a 10 minute bus to melbourne, they might find life better there.

FRI

Donna’s random new dad opposes her marriage for some reason. I mean, he doesn’t really know Donna, or Ringo, but I guess he’s seen some sitcoms in his time and feel that, as a dad, it’s something he should be opposed to.

Kate is failing as the new dance troupe manager, surprisingly struggling to find people willing to pay for a troupe of bad dancers of moderate attractiveness and maximum prudishness- unwilling, as they are, to debase themselves by baring their flat chests for dollars.

It seems Andrew also opposes the marriage. It can’t be that he still likes her, can it? Because that would make no sense, even taking into account the neighbours writers’ loose understanding of how the world works and what and what doesn’t make sense.

Libby takes pity on them and hired Kate’s dancers to revitalise Ben’s waning interest in his ballet lessons. Callum rightly points out that dancing is lame just as Candace arrives, demanding to know “Who thinks dance is lame!?” “I’ll show you how lame dancing is!” she sassily asserts. She then proceeds to make good on her threat, with a procession of uncoordinated flailings that would not look out of place at grandma’s calisthenics.

In order to make Candace look cooler by comparison, the writers have Kate stand around like a common garden retard, replete with black school shoes, too-short pants and the  hunched and slanted torso of a textbook mongoloid.

Candace is now firmly behind Kate’s leadership, after ‘one of her besties’ pointed out how much money there is to be made for dance troupes performing at kids’ birthday parties. Is her bestie Paul Robinson? Because this sounds like one of his business ideas.


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