Neighbours Recap 19-23 July



Donna plans her wedding. It is every bit as boring as you might imagine. Paul, however, is in good spirits, having an mp3 file of Steph blurting out to Dan that the baby is his. Paul gleefully details to Toadie the potential fallout of this revelation: “Well, there’s Libby, the Kennedy’s, the…” before he’s interrupted by Toadie. See how the writers ensured Paul was stopped mid-sentence, providing the impression that the news would have impacts beyond Libby and her immediate family? Crafty.

Donna wants a particular wedding dress, but alas, it’s already been sold. Cue hijinks as Donna sneakily takes measurements of the garment, intending to steal the design. To buy Donna some time, Lucas, posing as Kate’s father, flirts with the sales assistant. “Things didn’t work out with my last marriage, but that’s not to say I wouldn’t try again” he greasily comments, with a wink. Is this why he’s considered smooth and charming? Telling random women he intends to marry them?

For extra comedy, the saleswoman almost catches Donna, but she appears to have eluded her, not by walking out of the nearby door, or by hiding the incriminating tape measure behind her back, but by ensconcing herself within the folds of a wedding dress.

Unfortunately, anyone with a rudimentary understanding of the nature of time and the laws of human movement would appreciate that so doing would take immeasurably longer.

In other news, fake Declan is the worst actor that has ever graced Neighbours. Considering this is neighbours, that’s no small achievement.


Toadie remains committed to bringing down Paul Robinson, though i’m not sure the writers have ever furnished us with a reason as to why he wants to do this.

Maybe he had money on England for a win?

Rebecca has a great brainwave on how to ‘reinvigorate Piratenet’- do an expensive outside broadcast at the local highschool, in order to canvass student opinion on the state of public schooling and the new substitute teachers tits.

In a bid to become a fully fledged guide dog, Rocky is submitted to a series of tests and he triumphs, presumably via a knockout blow to apollo creed. Callum is strangely ecstatic at the news.

Yay! Some old, blind bastard gets to steal my cherished pet!

Libby sees Sonia touch Toadie’s hand and yells at her. I’ve just realised how genuinely unlikable Libby is. She’s annoying, argumentative, stubborn, ignorant, hypocritical, boring and ugly. Precisely what are her redeeming qualities?

Paul wants to sell Piratenet but Rebecca objects. She furiously reminds him how successful she is- how once she had nothing, but now she runs two businesses! At least, i think that’s what she said- her sentence was garbled by the doppler effect, shouting it, as she was, while speeding by on Paul Robinson’s gravy train.


Hooters is presenting a radio programme

All of a sudden, Tits, I mean, Tash, walks in. It seems Tash wants to keep abreast of her career, so she milks the opportunity to give herself a plug on the funbags, I mean, radio, I mean, I want to grab her tits with my hands, if you know what i mean.

Later on in the braodcast, Rebecca announces her intention to sell the station, because audience figures are sagging.

Later in the episode, tash busts this out

I’m prepared to call this the greatest episode of neighbours of all time. Other stuff may have happened in the episode,  but I can’t be sure.


Fake Declan needs to convince Rebecca to sell Piratenet so that she isn’t embroiled with Paul’s embezzlement trial, or something. To thicken the plot to a slurry-like viscosity however, the writers have Zeke and his gaggle of hipsters stage a protest, because, being hipsters, they have no appreciation of hard work or finances and don’t understand why a person would want to sell a failing business for cash money.

Of course, it’s Piratenet’s failure that makes it attractive to hipsters. If it were popular, why, that’d make it mainstream.

Zeke actually expresses concerns over such an event. “Oh God” he wails, “what if one of those golden oldie stations bought it, Piratenet as whe know it would be over!”

Wtf! This isn't Indie Faux-Retro, this is retro!

While Libby struggles with the new ‘activeboard’ blackboard replacements, ugly redheaded extra’s crush on Andrew goes cruelly unacknowledged.

Libby inadvertently pulls up an email that she’d written to Doug, the contents of which are a madwoman’s frenzied ravings against the principal. Naturally, it’s at this point that the principal walks in.

To lend additional stickyness to this situation, Principal accidentally writes an incriminating message on the activeboard screen in permanent marker. And his performance review/activeboard trial is in one hour! And erinsborough high only has one classroom!


It’s discovered that Toadie’s office door is, in fact, an interdimensional nexus, through which visitors from a parallel universe may enter earth. Diana and Toadie are elected by an international commission to be the welcoming committee for these alien arrivals.

After years of scrutinizing our habits, aliens determined that toadie likes pizza


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