Neighbours Recap 26th – 30th July 2010



Lyn is dishing up some breakfast and her hair looks particularly ridiculous.

She sits down and without a hint of irony comments that Steph looks terrible.  Steph really wants to tell Libby the big secret because she knows Paul will tell her at some point, but Lyn reasons with her by saying “you don’t want the last six months to be for nothing”.  Six months of this terribly convoluted storyline and I’m certain that it will all be for nothing.  Even when Libby finds out, who cares?

Ok, so fake-Declan is doing his darndest to convince Rebecca to sell out of PirateNet.  Apparently if Rebecca sells out she won’t be accountable for the embezzlement.  This is pretty confusing, especially when this legal advice came from Toady.  So if Rebecca, the owner of PirateNet, is not accountable because she sells out then who the fuck is?  These writers clearly have a very limited concept of law.  In particular the Corporations Act.

What do you mean I'm going to jail? I don't own FAI anymore!

Oh, you don't? My apologies, Mr Adler

So Rebecca was almost convinced to sell the company, or wind it up which is the most likely outcome, but the dickhead that is Zeke decided to start a rally to get sponsors.  They even have a telethon type thing inside Charlie’s.  This is a direct quote:

"You'll double it if Ringo Brown takes his shirt off"

That was completely unprompted by anything at all and had no context except to point out that Lucas is now gay. 

Apparently Erinsborough Hospital has even donated a significant sum to PirateNet.  The same Erinsborough Hospital that can hardly afford two doctors.  A hospital donating money to a commercial radio station.  I can’t even begin to imagine the logic of the writers on this one. 

Toady is going to give that fake American bird the information she needs to bring down Paul.  I thought she already had that information when Ellen gave her the accounts.  Surely that’s all she needs.  Anyway, Paul intercepts the transaction and decides he can no longer trust Toady.  Paul plays the tape recording of Steph and Dan’s conversation on PirateNet and they even managed to get Dan’s voice on the recording, which is more impressive than usual.

Even Libby was impressed


The editors have found the voice over/repeat funtion and they’re clearly happy to use it. Apparently this is going through Libby’s head:

 “It’s your’s, Dan (your’s,Dan your’s Dan your’s Dan).  You’re the father (father father father).”

Libby walks out of Charlie’s following the revelation that her ex-husband is the improbable father of her best friend’s unborn baby.  As she walks through Lassiter’s the editing is reminicent of an action movie, where the star walks along and people jump out and he shots his Smith & Wesson.  Lyn runs out.

Shoot the town wench!

  A butch lesbian walks in the background with some ballons in her hands.

Probably not relevant to the plot

Libby cries and the Kennedy’s are all supportive.  Apparently Libby making out with Lucas, which is bestiality I might add, was just an innocent thing that happens and the viewer is meant to be sympathetic towards Libby.  Unfortunately no one cares about Libby.  All the viewer wants at this stage is for this shit-filled storyline to be swept under the rug and forgotten like Ringo’s anorexia or fear of water.

Lyn and Steph discuss the etiquette of how long she should wait until she can talk to Libby again and apologise.  Unfortunately there is no Seinfeldesque resolution to that question.

Oh, right.  We’re also supposed to care about Lucas.  And now Callum is in the drama because he can’t trust his Daddy anymore.  Don’t fucking ruin Callum in this, you arsehole-writers.

Apparently the writers have completely changed history and Steph was the reason Dan left.  Libby lists the stuff Steph has done to her, crashing the motorbike, wanting Drew and finally doing the one thing that could hurt her the most – having Dan’s baby.  Steph and Dan slept together after Libby and Dan were separated.  Libby didn’t seem to care when she and Dan broke up.  At least the language gets a bit peppermint when Libby calls Steph a “cheap tramp”.

Rebecca decides to kick Paul out of their house so he moves into Lassiter’s.  I’m still confused by this Dianne bird.  Why does she want to bring Paul down?  Isn’t she Paul’s boss?  If so, why would she care about one of her subordinates? 

The episode ends with a fancy new splitscreen function.

Welcome to digital TV


Apparently this revelation is the talk of the town and everyone knows about it.  The junior bully puts a jacket under his jumper so it looks like he is preggers.

Callum calls Jnr bully a girl then bashes him.

Summer breaks up the fight and says some jazz about Jnr Bully.  Libby overhears and has some stern words to Summer.  But these stern words could be misconstrued as Libby breaking down.  Obviously Michael is lurking in the background with his best judgemental face. 

Fucking hack writing

Donna, worried that her friends might end up like Steph and Libby, arranges a truth forum thing with Ringo, Kate and fake-Declan.  Fake-Declan takes it too far and basically comes out of the closet.  This puts his and Kate’s relationship in trouble.

Why is Lucas at the school?  Does this mean the garage is closed because they don’t have any employees?

Dr Doug appears.

But only so he can be abused by Libby for his involvement in the Steph saga.  Apparently Dr Doug knew all along and didn’t tell Libby for confidentiality reasons.  Seems reasonable but it gives Libby a reason to break up with Dr Doug, opening a hole for Michael (Dan 2.0 perhaps?).  And by my reckoning I think we may’ve got through every possible side story except Sonya in this fuckbag of a storyline.  Unfortunately we won’t be granted such clemency from the writers.


Libby demonstrates her decline through interpretive dance

There’s more lameness, with Toady talking to Lucas about Steph and Toady’s lies.  Lucas enquires as to whether or not Toady and Steph sealed the deal and Toady says “no”.  I was sure there was an entire storyline about those two being comfortable enough to be intimate with each other.  These writers seriously cannot string three scenes together without fucking up.

That Guy appears again and mentions that he is working as a life guard to help his parents cover the cost of playing basketball.  Whatever the fuck that means.  Perhaps they did buy the captaincy after all.  They’re planning on some kind of pool party.  It doesn’t go particularly well because some teens ruin stuff or something.  Whatever, Ellen causes That Guy to lose his job.  At least that’s a positive.


Lou returns to ram another aspect of this taxingly boring storyline down our throats until we vomit it back up, pass out and forget it ever happened.  Lou tries to act as mediator between the Kennedy’s and Scully’s.  Even Ugmo the plot device gets in on the act wanting to go and play with Callum.

Plotty O'Awkward-Moment

Ok writers, we get it.  Steph and Libby’s lives were intertwined in many and varied ways.  You don’t have to point out each and every individual way this storyline impacts every character on the show.  It’s simply not that interesting and rather frustrating really.

Ellen doesn’t have any friends and since he caused That Guy to lose his job he seems to have negative friends on facebook.  He tells That Guy that he intends to get him his job back, but Summer tells him to fuck off.  That Guy could be the least dimensional character in the show’s history.

That Guy

He ends up getting him a job at the gym.

We can look forward to more of the Steph vs Libby crap next week.


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