Neighbours recap 2-6 August 2010



Summer checks her facebook and is dismayed to see her friends yell slanderous, caps-lock insults at steph on her wall. And so the fallout of this saga has affected Summer, in the unlikeliest of fashions.

Andrea Coffey is sufficiently outraged by the legal and consenting behaviour of two strangers she’s never met to nominate Steph for the inaugural ‘skank of the year’ awards. Naturally, to get Summer’s opinion on this slander, I sent a facebook friend request. No response yet, but was amused to see that her fake what-the-hell-is-he-still-doing-on-this-show boyfriend Chris was deemed such a nonevent as to be airbrushed out of her prom photo profile pic.

At charlie’s, Karl & Susan discuss the best way to tell Ben that Steph is having Dan’s baby. A better topic of discussion might be ‘why tell him at all’? Or maybe they could tell him a bedtime story about the time that mummy had face-sex with uncle lucas, an event that was the catalyst for this entire bullshit storyline.

Milkshake bully approaches Summer to ask whether Steph would give him a ‘grease and oil change.’  Are the writers so devoid of wit they’d forgo options like ‘lube job’ , ‘fill her up’ or even ‘burn my rubber’  in favour of ‘grease and oil change’? What does that even mean? Is the grease and oil his ejaculate? I don’t know.

Dan’s missing testicles seem to have shown up on Chris, as he challenges the bully.

His belligerence may have a different motive, however. “Hey, do you want to wear that milkshake?” he tentatively requests.

Summer breaks down to steph, telling her that news of her affair is “all over the internet”

6.5 million results!? Wow, news travels fast!

Steph then goes for a checkup at the hospital and is subjected to random nurses pointing their accusing fingers at her

Look! It's that woman who had a one night stand once!

Some uni chicks invite chris and andrew to ‘drinks in the uni quadrangle’ later on

Naturally, Erinsborough is the only place in the entire fucking planet where ‘meeting up for drinks’ means ‘coffee’.

Louis should have listened when the barista said he'd had enough

Steph has a run in with Libby, which stresses her sufficiently to want to sit down on the floor.

Libby leaves her, an act which is apparently tantamount to murder. An ambulance is immediately summoned for Steph, presumably for forearm chafing from the couch’s coarse upholstery?


Steph is, of course, unhurt, despite this ominous closeup at the beginning of the scene

Ringo has a thought, which he opts to vocalise. ‘I knew things were bad, but to walk out on steph, that’s pretty…bad

sleeping with children bad?

After carefuly consideration as to how the steph/libby storyline could affect her personally, Donna decided to go with the fake wedding angle. “I just want our wedding to be real!” she bleats to no one in particular “not like those fakers fake wedding!” she adds, rectitudinously. Incidentally, how come ramsay st didn’t erupt in pious outrage when Donna cheated on Ringo? I mean, the parallels are eerily similar: a relationship in trouble, an attractive shoulder to cry on, the shocking revealing of their infidelity in front of friends and family inside of charlie’s bar over the bar loudspeakers, engineered by a scorned enemy.

At any rate, Donna got off scot free, leaving her available to go to a wedding workshop, where Donna and co run into a camp guy in a vest, that is, a camp guy in a vest who isn’t zeke. Susan is apparently acquainted with the guy though, as she strides up to him and greets him with an enthusiastic “oh, hello Marlin!”

I knew there was something fishy about him

Back at the hospital, Steph has kept herself busy by not wondering why she was kept overnight for having high blood pressure. The writers then pull the same shit on us, hoping we won’t experience deja vu

because this time, the sign is blue!

Showing they can do more than incorporate lazy visual cues, the writers then treat us to some dialogue between steph, lyn and toadie in which the three of them conspire to use the word ‘good’ seven times in 18 seconds. I counted.

Libby resolves to get back at Steph. “It’s time to take out the trash!” she exclaims

It transpires that Libby was disposing of a returned steph/toadie wedding present of a blender. I guess the appliance, like the show itself, failed to deliver its promise of ‘the perfect blend’

Still mad, Libby uses Susan’s computer to craft an article for the newspaper.

She writes this on the presumption that the erinsborough populace would find merit in an article concerning a petty feud between two strangers. Is this what the writers want the youth of this country watching this show to think that this is what newspapers do?

OMG sharon from school made out with brad! I totez read about it in the paper

Good work writers, your shit of a show is actually making people stupider.


The next morning, Paul arrives at the Kennedy’s to mention that he won’t be running Libby’s article. He says that the paper isn’t a forum for petty personal vendettas. Scullywag!

Libby makes another trip to the bin to throw out a bag full of pictures of herself with steph.

She then lays the bag across the lid of the bin to produce the effect of a bin stuffed to capacity, then turns to Karl and says “this bin’s getting pretty full!”

which of course only makes sense if you are able to forget what you saw half a second earlier.

Diana reveals to Paul that her motivation for being on Ramsay st was to take Paul’s job. I wonder if ever in the history of business a boss has sought so arduously to assume a subordinate’s position.


Callum is upset about the fake relationship. Pissed off, he chooses to take it out on Tash and goes on piratenet to call her out for being a moron and a whore. “Is tash short for trash?” he quips. Principal then tries to get him to apologise and he flatly refuses. He then says of Toadie “he’s not my dad, he’s just some random!”

I love that fat little shit


So with the writers set to turn Chris gay any second now,  I guess they figured they had better quickly wedge in a scene or two showing his attraction to men, given, you know, there’s never been so much as the slightest suggestion of his homosexuality at any point.

Oops! I didn't know you were in here!

In the best turn of events in recent neighbours history, Lou wants to buy back the old car yard he used to own.

‘Buying a used car is very much like making love to a small child’, he starts to tell Callum. Anticipating the horrible end to this conversation, Callum attempts to leave, but Lou will have none of it

First, you've got to check it's not too old..

All hopped up on coca cola, chris, andrew and the uni girls start a singalong to ‘when the river runs dry’ by hunters & collectors, a song which I used to enjoy.

Principal approaches them and berates them for their sheer unruliness. “Chris,” he comments despondently, “I thought you were better than this.” Unless he’s referring to the quality of his rendition, his comment really makes no sense in this context.

Chris’ homosexuality is out of control as he accosts crafty Kyle.

However, it is Chris that is the crafty one, his attack ostensibly a ploy orchestrated in order to have Andrew approach him from the rear. Anticipating the impending embrace from Andrew, Chris sticks his butt out just so..


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