Neighbours recap 30th August – September 3rd

by

MON

Amazingly, Paul has survived his three metre plummet, and so the ‘who pushed P.R’ storyline has begun in earnest. I suspect it was colonel mustard, in the kitchen with the candlestick, but, of course, because Paul saw his assailant before he was pushed, he will wake from his coma with amnesia, because it’s been at least a year since he last had amnesia.

Rebecca is grieving. We know this because she isn’t wearing makeup

Andrew comforts fake Declan.

he comforts him slowly at first, then with gathering momentum

They are soon interrupted, however, and fake declan has to clumsily conceal his erection

TUE

The police question Rebecca. She’s currently the prime suspect because of her outrage at Paul’s infidelity, which she was made aware of by Diana. Quite why she believed Diana’s accusation right off the bat is not adequately explained, in lieu of the fact that Diana had previously explained that she’d endeavour to ruin paul no matter what, rendering any such allegation immediately dubious. Remember how Diana was upset when paul sabotaged the video evidence of their sex? That was because she knew that without proof, no one would believe her, because, you know, she’d previously explained that she’d endeavour to ruin paul no matter what.

Ringo and Donna are on their honeymoon. I remember the last time they took a holiday together and she wound up fucking a stranger.

The kindly hotelier informs them that there is a ghost in the hotel. How spooky!

Kate is really upset about paul for some reason. Does she even know Paul?

Ringo, jealous at the attention the ghost has been getting from Donna, challenges it to a footrace, and sets off at a prance.

he won the race, but lost his dignity

With Paul’s condition deteriorating, Dr Doug recommends a medically induced coma.

What!? I didn't book myself in for a storyline lengthening!

Later on, KD Lang performs an impromptu concert on ramsay st

The ghost turns out to be old man Withers from the amusement park. And he’d have gotten away with it too, if not for those meddling kids!

WED

Summer, still getting over being dumped by a gay man, seems to be attracted to Andrew. Here’s a tip Summer: if you’re looking for reassurance after that awkward incident, don’t make moves on the gayest looking guy in erinsborough.

alright then.. second gayest

erm…

third gayest?

At any rate, Andrew’s not interested in a relationship, though he does suggest that she be his friend, with benefits.

fringe benefits?

Ben got picked to give a speech at school, about what it means to be Australian. Ben, with his shuttering monotone, is probably the last person anyone would pick to talk about, or do, anything. Anyway, he reveals that he won’t be giving the speech after all, because his teacher thinks that he cheated. On a speech. About what it means to be Australian. What, did he copy the answers from somewhere?

Umm miss, is the answer, umm, vegemite?

Ben’s teacher shows Libby an example of his writing. After ‘perusing’  the work for approximately 1.2 seconds Libby blurts out, excitedly- “this is great! the language, the imagery!”

presumably, Ben's 'imagery'

“look!” Libby continues “He’s written this part from the galah’s point of view! That’s really clever!”

positively shakespearean

THU

Andrew gets interviewed by the cops. I guess toadie was unavailable to be his legal representative; instead the local mechanic sits in on the proceedings

Now, i’m no legal eagle, but i don’t think the police would allow random friends to be present during interrogations.

Anyway, he’s in this situation because Summer dobbed Andrew in to the cops. He’s angry, she makes this face a lot.

I guess it’s her signature face.

It turns out that Ben, who up until this point has been presented as borderline retarded, is in fact a child genius.

Turns out, he's a regular Einstein

“Wow!” exclaims Susan, reading his work , “Ben really is talented!”

“That’s what I’ve been saying all along!” replies Libby.

Since. Fucking. When. If they wanted to get rid of him, why not just have him get run over by an ice cream truck as he gleefully ran out onto the street, pocket money in hand, to purchase a sugar dandy? It’d be some cheap drama, plus it’d be totally awesome.

The ‘West Waratah Star’ reports Paul’s attack with the headline ‘media mogul Paul Robinson in shock fall’

I’m sorry, but owning a community newspaper does not a mogul make. I write on this blog, which probably gets more readers than the erinsborough news, so i guess i’m Rupert fucking Murdoch.

Libby realises that she’s being selfish by not letting Ben go to a special school. He claims he’s really keen to leave, which is total horseshit: the kid is the most over-mothered, ill-adjusted piece of shit i’ve ever seen. He’s probably still breastfed.

The west waratah star seems to have found out that Tash gave them a false statement. Rather than print an apology, as is normal procedure in these incidences, saying they should confirm the allegations of their sources before putting their testamony to print, they instead run with the juicy headline “Teen lies to protect ex”

I can just imagine the editor of the west waratah star sitting behind his plastic fisher price desk, hot wheels hotrod shoved up his ass, “A teenager lied!” he’d squeal, “Hot crackers, what a scoop!”

Anyway, why would any newspaper dedicate so many column inches, front page no less, to events that concern the editor of their rival publication. You’d think that would only make their readers more inclined to buy the erinsborough news. Under normal circumstances, this would be a moot point, since such community newspapers are free, but i’ve noticed that the makers of this show inserted a cover price on their prop newspaper.

You’ll notice the cover price is the same as melbourne’s largest daily newspaper, an erudite publication with dozens of incredibly talented journalists, editors and researchers, not some two-bit rag with headlines like ‘scullywag’. I don’t think the writers of this show have any comprehension of how the world works.

FRI

Back from their honeymoon, Donna and Ringo need a place to live. Seems like the sort of thing that they should have sorted out before they got married. Anyway, Donna is going to move into Ringo’s room in the Kennedy house. I wonder, if i knock on the kennedy’s door, would they let me live with them?

Steph has the baby. Summer gets very excited, though even she is at a loss to fathom precisely why this should be the case. “He’s my step, half-brother…i think..” she mutters, confusedly.

Summer and Tash, feeling  bad for Andrew, help him to find his father’s attacker by producing an excel document that details everyone on ramsay st and their convoluted motives for wanting paul dead.

Tash has even gone as far as to make a graph

Tash explains that the graph ‘calculates the probability’ of the attacker, ‘using calculus’.

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