Neighbours recap 13-17th September



With Toadie out of the picture, away visiting steph, callum siezes the opportunity to make advances on Sonya. He appeals to her inherent love of dogs by suggesting that she could, perhaps, ‘tame his raging mongrel’, which he explains, ‘might be rabid’ such is its propensity to ‘froth at the mouth’. She soon succumbs to his charms.

Mere days after giving birth, and with the prop department pillow back in the costumery, Steph has bounced back to her pre-baby figure, complete with taut, rippled abdomen.

While a disgusting folk ballad plays in the background, we’re then ‘treated’ to scenes of steph and toadie bonding with the new baby. We see the inside of the nursery that was intended for the baby. There is a mural of a family tree, which happens to include Summer,

though, not, strangely, Boyd. I guess Scully family connections are decided arbitrarily.

With Steph on her way to Dan’s to give up the baby, Toadie is in a frenzied race against time to stop her before she gets there. Knowing that Toadie will be in hot pursuit, however, Steph pulls a move straight out of wacky races:

Anyway, wouldn’t conferring legal stewardship of a child involve a lawyer and weeks of paperwork and procedure? This madcap, benny-hill paced chase sequence suggests that Steph could just give the baby away like it was a voucher for a two-for-one steak dinner.

To this end, Steph arrives at the eunuch’s place to proffer her kid. Dan, sans testicles, has a more sensitive, erudite appearance, with pastel tones chosen to highlight his contoured, feminine features.

"A baby!? For me!?" He squeaks, in chipmunk falsetto

Is it not irresponsible for Steph to give the baby to Dan? As I understand it, he’s presently living with a friend. What could he offer a child? He doesn’t have a house, he doesn’t even have balls!

As Toadie sprints to Dan’s we are shown a glimpse of his motivations, a technique executed with as much subtlety as a cartoon thought bubble in a looney tunes special.


With a bizarre cake metaphor, Tash likens crafty Kyle to a zucchini cake. I’m almost tempted to call Kyle ‘zucchini cake’ hereafter. If only ‘crafty kyle’ weren’t so perfect..

Andrew, Tash and Summer go to Charlie’s for orange juice and lemonade. Why do the writers insist on making these teens go to Charlie’s for their beverages? Honestly, what group of teens would go somewhere in order to hang out over chilled, non alcoholic refreshments?

Oh, right

Further evidence the writers are horribly out of touch, I suppose.

Well, Summer gets dumped by  Kyle, but her pride won’t accept it, so she tells everyone that it was she who did the dumping. She makes Kyle go along with it. This lays the groundwork for some of the best scenes in recent memory: Kyle approaches the teens, delivering not just their drinks, but an empassioned spiel about how Tash had broken his heart. Later, he catches up with Tash, who is walking with Summer and Andrew outside lassiters. He presents her with a slice of zucchini cake ‘to remember him by’. Tash then pulls him aside and asks him why he smells of onions. “For the tears!” comes his response, chortling as he does so.

Crafty Kyle, you’ve outdone yourself. Not everyone is convinced by the sham, however. Summer, notably, smells a rat.


Because they have nothing better to do, Lucas, Kate and Sophie idly gossip about Steph’s decision to give up her baby. Kate begins proceedings: “I still can’t  believe Steph would just give up her baby like that!” she bleats “I mean, I’ve seen Declan with India, and he would never..”

From my recap dated July 28, 2009: “Steve and Miranda want to move to Oakie and take India with them. Declan agrees to this.”

It’s sad that I have a better knowledge of recent neighbours history than the people tasked with writing this garbage

I have decided that Lucas’ sideburns work in much the same fashion as the doomsday clock, their growing length symbolic of humanity’s nearness to apocalypse.

On current evidence, I’d recommend you say your final goodbyes.

Later on, Toadie goes to see Lucas and tells  him that Steph is very upset and needs a friendly shoulder. Lucas’ eyes light up. He races over to Steph’s, eager to capitalise while her tears are still fresh. Like a competitor in the sleazeball olympics, Lucas vaults her couch

I've got no time for conventional seating procedures!

Like a sexual predator, Lucas then lays one on her, taking full advantage of her emotional vulnerability.

Libby walks in, catching them in the act.


Callum catches wind of Steph’s misdeeds and is outraged. He siezes her by her shoulders and attempts to shake sense into her.

Lucas!? What the fuck!!

At the general store, while Susan and Lyn make up over coffee, the would-be murderer busies themself sending nuisance emails to Susan. “I have proof i did it!” suggests one message. I think this is the writers’ attempt to add some cat-and-mouse intrigue, as the pusher faces off against the might of investigative sleuth Susan Kennedy. If the assailant was looking for an adversary, however, they’d have to be disappointed, with Susan more interesting in getting to the bottom of her coffee cup while gossiping with “Lynnie” than looking into the case.

Lucas, a grown man, apologises to Kate for ‘bringing a girl home’ and makes her promise not to tell Lou. Pathetic, penniless weasels who live in share houses with children seem to be hot property on ramsay st, with Lucas appearing to have his pick of the ladies.

Steph potters about the nursery. Concerned, Lyn approaches her, but she’s hastily dismissed. “It’s ok mum,” Steph assures her. “I’m not going to fall apart”

Seconds later..

like a chinese motorcycle

Susan takes the emails to the police. They inform her that there have been ‘over 300′ prank emails and tip offs, an astonishing figure given Paul knows, what, eleven people?


Lou buggers off to Queensland, and just as he was starting to bust Lucas’ chops. How disappointing.

Paul’s woken up. Does he remember who pushed him?
Does he shit!

He does, however, use whatever little strength he has to croak out three words, cryptic clues that give us a fascinating insight into his condition: “Falling”, “arguing”, “pushed”. Paul then farts loudly and falls asleep.


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