Neighbours recap 27th September – 1st October



Rebecca leaves the hospital in tears. Fake declan chases her in a panic and insists that they ‘have no time, they have to get away from Paul!’ This is an odd role reversal, given the circumstances. I mean, if anyone should be terrified and panicked, it’s Paul, not his would-be assassins.

This continues as they get home, as Fakelan hastily organises his belongings.

he remembered to pack some fudge

The writers almost give us an indication of his motivations, as fakelan screeches they ‘can’t stay’ because ‘if we do, that’s it‘. What ‘that’ or ‘it’ is, is never explained.

Anyway, he insists they have to find a new place to live ‘up north’, though they can’t use money because otherwise Paul will be able to trace them through the bank. Noticing Rebecca’s bemused expression in the face of this impossible situation, fake declan attempts to elucidate, the only way he knows how: with a camp musical number!

” With Paul awake he’ll be after me

So come along Rebecca, we need to flee

Let’s start over! Under the sea!”

Donna announces her intention to cook dinner. Jaunty music and the Kennedy’s horrified faces tell me that this will be a dinner to remember!

Uh Oh Spaghettios!

So again we have Donna presented as a thick, clumsy retard. This will continue until such point she chooses to leave the show, where her character will no doubt find inexplicable success in new york or somewhere as a brilliant fashion designer and businesswoman.

Why can’t the writers just have characters who are stupid and without any discernable talent? The world is full of them. But no, instead we have former bimbo Tash turn out to be a maths whiz, Donna is a gifted designer, and Ben is William-Fucking-Shakespeare. It’s just not believable and it’s rather patronising. You’d think that crafting a character void of wit or talent would come pretty easily for these hack writers too.

Fake declan explains to Kate that he pushed Paul. Kate responds with a look of apathy, with a hint of mild puzzlement.

reflecting the attitude of the viewers, i guess

Rebecca, after considering letting her son take the rap, eventually tells Kate the truth, which is then shown for us via blue-hued flashback. It proceeds thusly:

Rebecca approaches Paul on the mezzanine and tells him that she ‘knows’ that he slept with Diana. Rather than deny this, as is his wont, and knowing that she has no proof, he instead mumbles about needing to explain. He then pleads, like a woman, for a little bit, until Rebecca snaps and pushes him with the force of a thousand wookies.

Kate condemns Rebecca for letting Diana face the music, and Rebecca’s excuse is that she ‘tried to help her’ by ‘sending anonymous emails to the police and to the press.’ The press? Oh right, part time community columnist Susan Kennedy. Did Rebecca actually expect that Diana would be exonerated on the strength of an anonymous email to the police?

evidence schmevidence, fake123@hotmail says here that you're innocent, so i guess you're free to go

Later on, at the Kennedy’s, Donna presents the meal with a flourish. They all rave about it, while in the kitchen Donna confides to Ringo that she actually purchased takeaway and disguised it as her own cooking.

will superintendant chalme...umm, Susan Kennedy, perceive the ruse?


Paul threatens to tell the police that fake declan pushed him if Rebecca confesses, because he wants her to stay with him. Maybe Paul thinks chicks dig being blackmailed

Flowers, chocolates, pictures of you selling crack to kids, check.

The winner of the UK ‘be on neighbours’ comp and her mum show up at charlie’s, and the mum asks principal on a date. The chick who won the comp looks vaguely familiar.


At Woody’s hovel, Woody announces that he’s having a party and needs to get supplies. He takes off, on his bike.

where's he planning to store the cases of beer? Up his arse?

Toadfish takes Sonya and Callum on a trip to Sydney. Callum is having a great time in my hometown. In fact, he rates it two thumbs up!

there seems to be something different about callum... I think it's a new shirt

Callum, all tuckered out from the trip from erinsborough, then takes a nap. Toadie lovingly carries him as he slumbers.

Like milk squeezed from Lyn Scully’s decrepit breasts, however, the trip soon sours, as Sonya runs into her hunky ex boyfriend. Naturally, this is very awkward for Toadie, but Callum finds the humour in the situation. In fact, he thinks it’s gangbusters!


Everyone on ramsay st deduces that Steph is suffering from depression because she’s taken a holiday to catch up with her old buddies.

Studies show that being happy is the first sign of depression

In a display of manhood, Toadie challenges Sonya’s ex to a karaoke sing-off. Eli looks to have the lead, until Toadie takes Callum on stage for a duet.

Unfortunately, Callum’s flat performance betrays his lack of enthusiasm. Luckily, the cruise ship yokels appear to enjoy it. Especially this guy:


Libby has come to Steph’s motel to try to talk to her.

Steph stands with her back turned as Libby speaks for hours of her innermost fears and frustrations, and just as a tearful reconciliation appears imminent, Steph turns around to reveal… imposter!

Wily Steph has eluded her ramsay st pursuers once more with a crafty ruse, thanks largely to the efforts of music legend ‘rockin Rod’ Stewart.

Ringo doesn’t get a one-month anniversary present for noted feminist Donna Freedman. Outraged, Donna storms over to Kate’s, plops her fat ass down on her couch and oinks “well that’s it, the honeymoon’s over!” then squeals, “Where’s the chocolate!”

Luckily for her, Ringo didn’t actually forget! What a sneaky sausage! Trouble may yet be afoot though, as Ringo heads to Harold’s to collect some chocolate cupcakes he ordered a few days ago. You see, with all the commotion, Lyn hasn’t been up to baking and hasn’t made them. Instead, she suggets he go to a rival baker, whose business card she just happens to have on her.

The problems is, this baker is a “two hour round trip away” on “the other side of town”.
I am going to put it out there- this is the most ridiculous, absurd statement every written into a neighbours script. For this sentence to make sense, then as far as the writers are concerned, one of the following statements is true
A:Erinsborough, or the town in which it’s located, is a sprawling megalopolis that requires a full hour’s driving time to traverse, and that’s on the assumption that point A, ramsay st, and point B, cupcake shop, are at opposite ends of the township’s perimeter, which they almost certainly wouldn’t be. Oh, and there are two cupcake shops in this megalopolis.
B: Erinsborough is in the middle of a vast, Mad Max-esque wasteland, in which murderers and roaming rape gangs are many, but cupcake shops are few.
C: In Australia, cupcakes are a foreign, exotic phenomena thought to be consumed only by the King of Sweden himself, and largely a curiosity to a public unused to anything beyond meat pies and vegemite.


D: The writers think you are a moron.
D is probably most likely, though I’ve repeated this assertion so often it’s basically my catchphrase now.
Anyway, with Ringo off on his road trip, Zeke takes Donna to Harold’s, where theres a note from ringo waiting for her.

Donna somehow manages to misunderstand this basic instruction. “I think it’s a clue!” she exclaims. Yes, donna, it’s a clue, in much the same way that ‘caution: wet paint’ is a clue, and ‘slippery when wet’ is a fiendish riddle.

It seems that Ringo has left other ‘clues’ around the house, giving her things to do while he’s indisposed.

Evidently, Lyn failing to deliver cupcakes was a part of his plan. Cunning.

Ringo & friends leave the cupcake store:

Lyn clearly called it a bakery, so I’m confused why they’re seen leaving a shop patently marked ‘fish & chips’. I guess with bakeries being as scarce as they are, they writers had to have a fish & chip store stand in instead and hoped you wouldn’t notice.

At any rate, it turns out that Donna is not the only one craving cupcakes, as Steph suddenly gets a bit peckish during her chat with libby. “Oh, Lib, I could kill for a cupcake” she remarks. She then makes good on this threat as she mows down Ringo, like he was nothing

gimme them cupcakes!

Steph then snatches some of the cupcakes and speeds away, leaving ringo to die in the street

As Ringo’s cardiovascular system shuts down and his neurological functioning ceases communication with his lower intestine, Ringo evacuates his bowels with  a rude ‘plopshhh’, ruining Kate’s appetite for whipped chocolate frosting.


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