Neighbours Recap 25th-29th October 2011

by

MON

So Ringo is dead now. Zeke goes outside lassiters to mourn him and to wonder ‘why is the mortality rate amongst Ramsay St residents so alarmingly high? And amnesia? I think every motherfucker in ramsay st has had it at some point.’

Except, of course, he didn’t.

So, it seems the writers needed to write a death scene for Ringo, and the most plausible, reasonable situation that they could concoct was to have Ringo urgently require cupcakes from the middle of nowhere, only to have him run over by a distraught Steph, who was staying in a motel in the middle of nowhere for no good reason.

Here are six death storylines for Ringo which would have made more sense:

  • Ringo, keen to impress Donna on her birthday, buys a pair of extra tight jeans. He is later found dead in his bedroom, the jeans having compressed the blood flow from his femoral artery, sending a blood clot to his heart.
  • While ‘rocking out’ on his guitar, a too-enthusiastic high kick sends him flying off balance. He hits his head on his bedside table as he falls, causing brain trauma and death.
  • Realising that he has married the girl who, a year ago, cheated on him persistently and enthusiastically with a douchebag, and will, in all likelihood, cheat on him again, Ringo kills himself.
  • Ringo slips on a banana peel while walking on the footbridge over lassiters lake, and festooned as he is with accessories and jewellery, he inevitably sinks to the bottom.
  • Ringo wins front row tickets to Nickelback through a piratenet promotion, and his manorexia-weakened heart can’t cope with the shock and gives out.
  • After purchasing cupcakes from Lyn, Ringo is run over by Steph outside lassiters.

Fake declan and Zeke have a chat about Ringo.  Zeke reveals that, forget Ringo, he’s got problems of his own! A recent perusal of a menswear catalogue has left him with a stubborn boner that refuses to subside!

Hilariously, this gay back-and-forth between Zeke and Declan is a running theme of this episode.

Declan: Come on Zeke, how hard can it be?

Zeke: It’s pretty hard, Declan.

Later, as Zeke storms off: “Declan’s been ‘bating me all day”

Later still: Zeke: You think you know Ringo? I shared a bedroom with him!

Anyway, because the writers feel they haven’t completely plumbed the depths of food-related misadventure, Donna insists that they take a detour en-route to the funeral to buy some pies. I’m not kidding, this pie fiasco takes up a solid ten minutes as they embark on a quest to find a particular pie which Ringo said he liked once.

Donna eats each one, and apparently her palate is identical to Ringo’s, as it seems her plan is to choose whichever one she likes the most and declare it as having been Ringo’s favourite. Down to two left, she takes a bite of the one nearest. “Yuck, that’s disgusting!” she recoils in disgust. She then tries the next. “Mmm, it’s delicious! Why the bakery would produce disgusting pies is beyond me- you’d think they’d just stick to making the delicious variety.

This prompts a discussion of Ringo’s favourite foods and how he liked his toast cold. In a fascinating insight into Ringo’s character, Zeke remarks, wistfully, “he liked food that worked both hot and cold”

Donna’s plan, it seems, is to take the pie to the funeral with the intention of burying it with Ringo- maybe shoved into his gob as he lies dead in the casket. Pie in hand, they clamber into the car, but uh oh, they’re out of petrol!

Evidently, Donna’s shrill chirping during the journey to the pie shop drowned out the warning beeps that cars make when they’re running low on petrol. Also, Donna’s poor peripheral vision (wait, the writers did remember to do a storyline about that right?)  meant she did not see the numerous flashing icons on the dashboard indicating the low petrol.

TUE

It seems that the whole reason Ringo’s funeral is in the middle of nowhere was for the writers to engineer this little piece of drama. Honestly, sometimes watching this show feels like this:

Donna’s contempt for Ringo continues despite his demise. Late for her wedding and absent through incompetance for her husband’s funeral. What a cunt of a person.

Paul Robinson calls an erinsborough news staff meeting at Charlie’s, and while they gorge themselves on cheap buffet items, Paul announces his intention to take the paper in a new direction, moving away from the tabloid sensationalism of the past and towards feelgood stories, while still, he reassures them, tackling the ‘big issues’.

i still think their scullywag expose got robbed at the pulitzers

Have the writers read this blog and want to cut me off from a rich source of mockery? If so, well played sirs.

Kate consoles Donna, telling her she can farewell Ringo in her own way, that she needn’t be present at the funeral. “I’ve got my mother right here” she informs Donna

Kate's mother is a small pair of breasts?

Ringo’s friends say goodbye like the art school hipsters which they are:

Ringo, local hero, is remembered by a shitty pebble spelling-out of his name in the dirt outside a pie shop. Rebecca storms out of Paul’s house. Paul faints.

WED

Tash is keen to reunite the high school principal and the english chick, Ruby. To this end, she nabs Lucas’ phone and messages Ruby to meet Lucas at Charlie’s. Ruby brings her daughter. “We’re here to meet Lucas” she declares upon entering. Why Lucas would have her number, or why any woman would consent to meet Lucas in a bar is not addressed.  Anyway, Tash is congratulated on her masterstroke by Poppy and Summer as though the plan was something other than the oldest trick in the book.

Principal and Ruby have a date. Poppy is there for some reason. Is there a clause in Ruby’s contract that states that Poppy has to accompany her in ever scene that she is in? At any rate, during the date they have a fake fight and Ruby picks up a patently empty coffee cup and hurls its nonexistant contents at principal.


fake though the coffee may have been, principal reacts with real outrage. “That’s my best top!” he bellows

"I'm not supposed to get air on it!"

THU

Zeke, in his capacity as a teacher at Erinsborough high, walks into a classroom to drum up support for an organisational committee for the school dance. Wait, Zeke is a teacher there right? I mean, his presence at the school makes no real sense otherwise

Anyway, Sophie volunteers because it turns out that she has a crush on Zeke. Callum summarises my reaction to this development with this face:

While Elle Robinson may have been to busy to visit her father after he was lying near-dead, she still has found the time to catch up on the ramsay st gossip and meddle in the affairs of the residents, as she emails Lucas, telling him to fire Steph.

Elle’s concern is that Steph’s accident would negatively impact business at the garage, an attitude no doubt developed during her time at erinsborough news, where stories surrounding the mundane situations of ramsay st residents are frequently treated as though they are of interest to the wider community.

At Erinsborough high, Tash tells Sophie that the school dance is an opportunity to show the world who they are as a school. ‘The world?’ Who writes this stuff?

FRI

It’s halloween on ramsay st, and Andrew has come out of the closet

I vant to suck your balls!

The teens, and Charlie, set out to go trick or treating.

K.K.Kennedy can scarcely conceal his disappointment at the realisation that what he thought was a fellow Klansman was just Charlie in a ghost costume

Ringo’s maggot-bloated corpse may have been freshly buried, but Donna isn’t about to let something like that spoil her fun.

"It's time for this naughty pussy to get some cream" she sassily asserts

At the episode’s conclusion, Charlie goes missing.

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