Neighbours recap 22nd-26th November 2010

by

MON

Steph’s court case is in full swing, and Sam endeavours to spice up proceedings by asking Libby if Steph slept with her husband. The judge must be bored, because she allows this line of questioning to continue, rather than declaring it irrelevant to the case.

Sam isn’t through antagonising Libby yet though. “Steph Scully conceived a child as a result of this liaison,” she continues, “and did she tell you the father was Dan Fitzgerald? And did she, or did she not, try to cover it up with a sham marriage to her lawyer, Jared Rebecchi?” Libby, naturally, answers in the affirmative, and having heard enough, the judge slams down her gavel and rules that, as a retard, Steph’s actions cannot be judged by typical standards.

Triumphant, Steph races back to Ramsay St on her chopper.

Wheeeee

Back to reality, unfortunately, and I wonder if anyone is at any point going to direct the court’s attention to the fact that Sam has a personal vendetta against both Libby and Steph, Steph having had Dan’s baby, and Libby having started a relationship with Dan while he was still  married to her. Thus far it has gone unaddressed.

Hang on.. Dan Fitzgerald.. Sam Fitzgerald...must just be a coincidence

Back at Erinsborough high, the theft of the school social money has threatened the cancellation of the social itself.  This also has some far reaching repercussions: apparently this missed opportunity to provide music for a school dance has put the entire future of Andrew’s new company, Andrew Robinson Entertainment, in jeopardy.

“Just forget the whole business idea” he sighs.

but surely Andrew Robinson Entertainment is 'too big to fail?'

Anyway, i’m sure i’m not alone in thinking how strange it is that the school social was suddenly cancelled after weeks of build up. Did the neighbours finance department suddenly realise they’d exhausted their cheap K-mart suit & tinsel budget for the year? And I suppose it’d be a nightmare for the producers to organise all of those extras, especially as Griffo’s prima donna rider demands get increasingly outrageous.

47 packets of tim tams, with the tams removed? What the Fuck is that!!?

Back in court, Sam asks Libby whether she would have let Ben ride with Steph that day. Libby says no, before qualifying her statement by commenting that an unsealed country road is unsafe for any child on a motorbike and wouldn’t advise it under any circumstances, but Sam instead screeches “I put it to you that your hesitation speaks volumes!” Maybe she was just stunned by an intelligent, reasoned response. I certainly was.

Anyway, Sam continues to screech and screech at Libby like an unsatisfied wife, until Libby cracks and blurts out “I did try and stop her from riding her bike!” , making a dramatic face as she does so.

To be fair, she has only been a professional actress for 18 years

Tash’s plan to steal the social money, setting off a chain reaction of improbable events that culminate in her displacing Summer as Andrews business consultant appears to have come off without a hitch, and she sits with him in the coffee shop to plan his next gig. Tash suggests that his next gig be aimed at the school seniors. “Yes.” he concurs. “More disposable income” he adds, sagely. As a person who organises music for events, i’m not sure why their disposable income is of concern to him. Does he think that people pay DJ’s to play music? or maybe..

Good news Tash, I just got off the phone to the booking agent. They're sending me their top dj. Some guy called Wurlitzer..

Back to the courthouse, and the jury has returned with a verdict. Guilty! Now that this saga is concluded, I see it for what it is. The writers have cleverly crafted a cautionary tale, brilliant in its simplicity. I guess the moral of the story is ‘don’t sleep with a guy who is married to your best friend, especially if that guy has a bipolar lawyer as an ex wife. And when you get pregnant, don’t get married to your friend in a bid to convince a few people that the baby doesn’t belong to that guy you slept with. And when you give birth, don’t give the baby to its father, as it will make the bipolar ex determined to put you in gaol for running over that guy who was buying cupcakes in the middle of nowhere for some reason.’

TUE

In a hilariously pathetic attempt to tug at the viewer’s heartstrings, Charlie runs up to Steph with a picture he’s drawn. “Look mummy, it’s you and me at the park!” he says joyously

I hope by 'park' he means 'exercise yard'

So anyway, you know the adage ‘a picture says a thousand words’? Well never has that been more true than in this instance:

Allow me to elaborate. This picture, you see, stands as evidence, if any were needed, that the writers are stupid, lazy and untalented. I think this is perhaps the eighth time in the last year that a male character has gone to the gym to punch a boxing bag in a moment of stress. It seems that the writers simply do not know how to show a man endure a difficult situation without pummeling a piece of gym equipment. I mean, they could at least have Lucas have hit another character on ramsay st. Fake declan, for instance.

Oh come on, his face is right there

Having learned of Steph’s fate, Lucas is distressed and encourages her to run away with him. Unsurprisingly, Steph does not treat this suggestion with the contempt it deserves and rather gives it serious consideration, to the point of packing her suitcase in readiness.

In the coffee shop, Donna asks Toadie if there’s anything she can do to help. Toadie tells her that it’d actually be hugely beneficial if she could write a victim impact statement.

Shouldn't Ringo have written the impact statement?

Or even Zeke? I’m pretty sure his bowels are impacted.

Steph meets with Lucas and tells him that she loves him but won’t run away with him. Lucas is distraught, and his womanly sobbing is music to my ears.

sweet music

WED

Because Lucas is a romantic at heart, he convinces Steph to spend her last night as a free citizen inside his rat hovel, where they cuddle on his flea market couch and bathe in the glow of a garbage fire inside of a rusted metal drum

'thanks Lucas' says Steph. 'you really know how to make a girl feel special'

The next day, Steph gets sentenced to 6 years in the slammer. The faces are absolutely priceless.

“Noooooooooo” wails Lyn, like a ghoul from the deep.

Upset about Steph, Summer seeks comfort in the arms of Andrew, but is shocked to see that Tash has beaten her to it

THU

The cop comes into the bar where he runs into the girls gossipping about the seasons hottest shoes, or something.

Donna asks him to join them, but he suggests that they need time together and goes to the bar to order a lemon squash. So his plan, we’re to take it, was to go to the bar on his day off, order a children’s drink and sip it, by himself, at the bar. I’m not sure people do that in real life.

or maybe he was in the middle of an ongoing undercover investigation into this guy's haircut

Fake declan suggests to the other ladies that they should go over to Paul’s to watch DVDs. At Paul’s, Donna suggests School of Rock. “Really?!” exclaims Paul, the only one to be outraged at this ridiculous suggestion.

“But it’s a classic!” enthuses Kate

"It's a classic!"

Well I suppose it did win Clark Gable an oscar for his role as the crusty dean who hated 'rocking out'

Summer is still upset that Andrew picked Tash instead of her

I can't believe he picked a good time floozie over my pious nagging!

Anyway, perhaps it’s just me, but it totally seems like the cop is just a jerk, who, for whatever reason, is seen as a charming romantic by Kate and Donna. In the middle of their movie viewing he texts Kate. “Enjoy your dvds” he writes. His blunt matter of factness is somehow then misinterpreted by Kate and Donna as being akin to a Shakespearean sonnet as they go gaga over the message

Maybe i’m reading too much into it. Maybe he’s just a really busy guy with too much going on to compose a meaningful message.

he's certainly too busy to do up his top button

The principal then corners Rebecca and reveals his proficiency at grass cuttery as he sleazes onto Rebecca. “I’m married!” she protests.

“You’re not happy” he insists” Unless you’re with me”

FRI

To his disappointment, however, Principals chances of coveting his neighbour’s wife are cruelled by a timely phone call, from Paul, naturally.

Stressed out and frustrated over the situation with Rebecca, Principal needs to let off some steam.

damn you writers, you rat-fucking arseholes

Still at the gym, Kate follows the cop into the men’s changeroom, where he confronts her, grinning like a douche

Flustered, Kate breathlessly apologises. “I’m sorry, I was looking for the chestroom… I mean, the restroom!” That actually happened.

Later on, at charlie’s, Kate spots the cop eating lunch. He stops eating and presents his douchegrin for a full 30 seconds.

Such is the mesmerising power of his douchery, it sends Kate into a hypnotic state and she has a vivid orange dream sequence where she strides over to him and awkwardly asserts:

"You and me, right here, right now"

which is a bit strange and incongruously forward for a girl who thought her long term boyfriend sleeping in the spare bedroom of her house was ‘too much, too soon’.

Because he won’t fuck off, the cop then  comes into the coffee shop and asks for ‘the usual’

Kate then asks him to dinner. He agrees, aloofly, then starts to walk out. “Wait!” she calls out after him, “Don’t you want your coffee?”

“No” he replies,with extra smugness. “I got what I came for”.

One flat white coming up!

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