Neighbours recap 11th-14th January

by

MON

Summer and Andrew are making sweet romance with an affair so steamy, the street itself is soon engulfed

Karl, meanwhile, antagonises Lyn with a procession of bizarre non-sequitor insults

Say Lyn, is that your house on fire, or are you just a dirty old slut?

Summer and Andrew then head to the hospital, with the mutual complaint of having experienced a burning sensation in the course of their lovemaking.

"Hey, I had a bout of that once" announces Lucas, to no one's surprise

Concerned that she too may have contracted the malady, Tash checks herself into the hospital. Lucas waits until she’s sedated, then pounces.


TUE

As the episode begins, Zeke decides to do a good deed. “I’m going to make some food for the Scullys” he informs Donna. “I’m just trying to work out what sandwich filling to have.” he mutters, before continuing, on an unrelated tangent, “I’m thinking about salami”

Andrew and Summer have a discussion, in increasingly annoying husky voices, about the merits of telling Tash about their romance. I’m guessing they won’t, thus dragging out this storyline longer than is reasonable, until their affair is exposed in front of friends and family inside charlie’s bar via a multimedia recording, just like Steph and Dan, and Donna and Andrew before them- it’s basically Ramsay St tradition.

I have to commend the writers on their originality though- there’s inevitably harsh repercussions fronm teenage sex in the world of neighbours – in the past we’ve had unwanted pregnancies, alienation and ostracism from friends and family, or, in the case of todd landers, death – but a house burning down as a direct consequence of forbidden intercourse? That’s a new one.

Back at the hospital, Zeke delivers a tray of sandwiches, though, he apologises, they might be a little soggy

Donna sits at Andrew’s bedside and has a meaningful conversation about how much she loved Ringo. Andrew asks – “Ringo? That guy you cheated on? With me? Lots of times?” except of course he doesn’t, because Donna having fucked Andrew seems to have been erased from the consciousness of every Ramsay St resident. Donna, instead, continues to blather on. “Prue said he loved my jeux de vie” she muses

I think that's french for 'infidelity'

Anyway, to ensure the love triangle between Summer, Tash and Andrew can continue to fester for months to come, Lyn and Summer move into Tash’s house, much to the chagrin of Fringy McNostrils

It’s almost as though the writers are only able to come up with one storyline per quarter, and like a hobo down to his last coffee cup-ful of change, the writers are forced to stretch out their meagre resources by cutting corners. And just like the crafty hobo’s box of wine, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

WED

Detective Brennan hauls in Kate for questioning, and replays a video of her initial police interview

he does this because he believes that her playing with her locket when lying is rock-solid evidence of complicity in the paul robinson case, and not just something she does absent-mindedly during general banter

Forty-one seconds earlier, brennan chats to Kate about her trip to sydney

Kate takes umbrage to the accusation, and brennan insists that ‘he’s just doing his job.’  “It’s always about your job!” screams Kate, furiously.

pictured: 90% of their interactions thus far

Over at Michael’s house, and Joe Scully makes his triumphant return!

no wait, it’s just Lyn

I call it the 'scullet'

Andrew decided to tell Tash the truth about him and Summer. “Look Tash..” he begins, before he’s interrupted, of course, by Tash giving him a Christmas present.

He didn’t get her anything though, except for the gift of Love. Oh wait, no, he gave that to Summer. All night long. “It wasn’t much of a gift though” Summer says in sympathy to Tash. “It even came early”

Anyway, these events leave the viewer to marvel at the manner in which Andrew was able to cheat on his girlfriend, for whom he didn’t even buy a christmas present, and still come out smelling like a rose.

The Andrew Robinson Guide to being a dickhead/success with women : 1.Procure 1x girlfriend 2. Cheat on her on Christmas, or if possible, on her birthday 3. While cheating with floosie, burn down her house, or push her aged grandmother down some stairs, whichever is most convenient. 4. Bask in the glory of several women's affections

Meanwhile, the focus of the other love triangle (the hypotenuse?), Kate, is having troubles of her own, as Brennan’s workload becomes more than she can bear

With comedy of that calibre, i think we’re going to have to start charging people access to this site.

Anyway, the problem is that the ability to juggle both a minor assault case and a girlfriend appears to be outside of the capabilities of brennan. He stresses to Kate the importance of the case. “There’ll be other cases!” she comments. “Not like this!” argues brennan, “this is the one!” he says, almost keeping a straight face as he does so

Baby, once i crack the case of the jostled local businessman, we'll be on easy street - nothing but cocktails and Kokomos

THU

Rebecca visits Michael in hospital and caresses his hand lovingly, until she’s interrupted by Paul. She looks pissed off at this intrusion

this lousy husband is really cramping my style. I've half a mind to try to kill him again

Needing an escape from the stress of her relationship, Kate gets taken out for drinks by Jade.  At Charlie’s, Jade proposes that they play truth or dare.

Electing to be dared, Donna is made to subject Lucas to a public shaming, namely, a dakking. Not wanting to cause an international incident, however, Donna first questions Lucas as to whether he’s wearing underpants. Lucas, the sleazebag he is, misreads her intentions. “No way baby, I’m good to go” he answers

I'm sure Ringo would have wanted it this way

The girls then decide to flash the bartender, just as the cops walk in

"Is this a bust?" asks Kate. "Umm, no, i'm not sure that qualifies" replies the officer after a survey of her chest

FRI

Brennan is taking the flashing incident very seriously and takes the girls back to the station, and even insists on individual interviews. A police lineup is the logical next step in the prosecution

"That's Kate alright" claims the witness

Unfortunately for detective brennan, recent plot developments, namely, being made to choose between his job and his girlfriend, have made it necessary for him to demonstrate acting range beyond expressionless seriousness- a task at which he’s proven himself to be inadequate. You see, the problem with hiring an underpants model as a full time actor on a soap is that they offer very little in the way of skills necessary for the role. I imagine his resume would read as follows:

Skills Include:

  • Waxed chest
  • perma-tan
  • six-pack
  • confused face

With his failings as an actor now becoming increasingly difficult to ignore, the writers resort to making him stick to what he’s, well, capable of.

Brennan's acting tip #7: I use a ladies' remington to shave those problem areas

Having noted Andrew’s successful strategy of being a jerk to women, Lucas gives it a go on Sonia

"Hey, thunder thighs"

"That jumper tied around your waist? It only draws attention to your fat arse. Also, you have no tits"

Also at the gym, brennan enters with Kate, and with Sophie having hidden brennan’s clothes by way of a prank (?), he is forced to wear Lucas’ .

Note his consternation at his inability, despite being a detective, to solve the case of his missing unmentionables.

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