Neighbours recap 24th-28th January 2011

by

PRELUDE

As much as I enjoy making fun of neighbours (so,so much), and while I realise that the show being shit is what makes it so enjoyable, unless the show improves, I’m worried that there won’t be a show to make fun of at all.

SUSAN BOWER

While I could offer reams of reasons as to how neighbours has suffered during her tenure- what with the awful characterisations, terrible, drawn-out plotlines, Lucas – these are all subjective reasons, representative only of my own opinions. Less subjective is concrete, incontrovertible evidence

Exhibit A- Neighbours ratings since Susan Bower's appointment

Upon joining neighbours, Susan Bower promised to increase ratings to a million people per episode. I’ll tell you what isn’t a million people? The 224,000 people who tuned into last friday’s episode, also known as ‘the lowest ratings neighbours has ever had. Ever.’ Susan Bower, please leave a comment if you want a high-res copy of the graph above, so you can stick it to your wall as a reminder of your failure.

FIRE SUSAN BOWER

I am formally declaring my interest in the role of Neighbours executive producer. I think this blog can stand as my resume.

Sure, I know nothing of producing a successful drama series, but hey, neither does bower, and at least i know a shit storyline when i smell one. Anyway, to the recap..
MON

Bereft of ideas on how to force Donna to move to NY, Zeke and Kate seek Lucas’ counsel. He mentions her ‘grouse scrapbook’ or some such slackerism, which gives Kate pause. “We need that scrapbook!” she announces.

“why?” comes Zeke’s response

“Well I don’t know yet, but I have a feeling the answer is in that book!” replies Kate

Poor neighbours writers..it appears their creativity has started to wane. Rather than take their usual approach to plot resolutions – via the most unlikely and convoluted set of circumstances, which might have seen, for instance, the scrapbook tumble from the backpack of a skydiving Lou Carpenter as he deployed his parachute, the scrapbook landing neatly onto a table in front of Kate, its pages flipped open to more easily provide storyline-advancing inspiration for Kate- but instead we have Kate experience an arbitrary hunch in the manner of a cartoon Scooby Doo heroine.

Anyway, back at the coffee shop, and John.D.Rockefeller, a.k.a. Lucas, pays for his breakfast of coffee and toast with a crisp $50 note.

"so rich am I, I go to cafes for toast- a meal which, even in lieu of my limited capabilities, I could easily make at home for a fraction of the expense"

With his forays into internet courtship failing to reap dividends, Zeke turns to a more old-school method of attracting a suitor

In the animal kingdom, they call this 'presenting''

Luckily for Zeke, it appears to have done the trick

"he was this big!"

With Kate having stolen Donna’s scrapbook with a plan that involved smooshing chocolate cake into her tits, she has concocted a plan to get Donn a to move to NY, although, she laments, “it’s going to take some cash.” Luckily, Lucas is still flush with cash and comes to the rescue. His box-storing business must be a real goldmine.

Elsewhere on Ramsay St, Rebecca is keen for some afternoon delight, and to this end, heads over to Michael’s. He answers the door looking like the worst of Mills & Boon covers.

Note, if you can stomach it, his shirt, casually unbuttoned to reveal his chest, waxed to a high sheen

Not just for his surfboard, Michael has found another use for his sex wax. Sex.

Kate’s plan for Donna, it turns out, is to parade Donna’s designs in front of her at Charlie’s Bar. First, Kate makes her appearance. I’m not sure if what she’s wearing is representative of high-end fashion, but at least the waxwork on the right looks impressed

Karl then makes his entrance, accompanied by the sort of derisive laughter his attire warrants

Uproarious laughter at the outfit's ridiculousness is sure to lift Donna's spirits!

Fakelan and Susan then cap off the proceedings, with Susan’s bronzed battlesuit unable to distract from Fakelan’s greased plumage and gigantic collars

TUE

I’m confused. The episode begins with Rebecca preparing a sumptuous, romantic meal for Paul

This is no doubt part of her weaselly agenda to rid herself of Paul. So having attempted to kill him, she now intends to emasculate and humiliate him, and destroy him pyschologically- and all because he, what, cheated on her in an attempt to save his business and keep her in the manner to which she’d become accustomed? And Rebecca’s supposed to be the character we sympathise with? At worst she’s a psychopath, and at best she’s become the personification of the cheating, lying, manipulative facets of Paul’s character that she so despises.

Donna, meanwhile, learns that Andrew is in love with Summer, because of the way he looked at her- apparently the same way Andrew used to look at Donna when he loved her, in the arse.

The episode ends with Andrew telling Tash that he loves her, for, well, no reason, really.

WED

Still photos do not do justice to this episode’s opening scenes. On television, or ‘jigglevision’, it’s a far more attractive proposition.

Andrew still has poo on his face; a perplexing mystery that defies explanation. Perhaps bored cast members take turns to lurk offsceen and launch turds into his grinning gob as he attempts to deliver his lines

Jigglevision turns out to not be all it’s cracked up to be, as fakelan makes his fabulous entrance in a vivacious new ensemble

Look out for fakelan as the gay sidekick in the forthcoming stage production of Billy Zane's 'Phantom'

With Donna having left her packing to the last minute, the responsibility falls to Zeke and fakelan, but at least they have a great time doing it

Kate surprises Donna with a shitty bracelet, with charms representative of each of her friends. For instance, there is a pair of ballet shoes to represent Kate, and a microphone for Zeke. “And I’m the mobile phone!” chips in fakelan

Really? A mobile phone? That’s the best object the writers could imagine to represent fakelan’s character? How about a closet?

And with that, Donna’s taxi departs, and she’s gone from the show forever.

On Ramsay st, no one ever drives their closest friends to the airport

THU

Toadie says, of Jade, to Sonya, “Just because she wears lycra most of the time doesn’t meake her an expert on parenting.” Could someone please explain this one to me?Do one of the writers happen to own a parenting book authored by ‘let’s get physical’-era Olivia Newton John?

'How to Cartwheel Your Way to a Happy, Well-Adjusted Child'

The costume department now appear to be mocking Kate, dressing her in formless, loose-hanging garments that highlight only too cruelly her lack of breasts. Kate attempts to direct attention away from this sorry situation by waggling what appears to be a dildo in Sophie’s face.

After playing Guitar Hero, Callum taunts Sophie and insists she call him “fingers” Jones, which is decidedly creepy given the event it foreshadows.

Anyway, over at the house of trouser, Jade pokes around in Toadie and Sonya’s business and finds Sonya’s criminal record, which she’s elected to keep, in a manila folder no less. Perhaps for the happy memories? Anyway, just like those wilful chimps Bangers & Mash live at no.3 Tree St, Sonya’s address during her criminal adolescence is’ Balaclava.’

not "stick-em-up avenue"?

Back to Sophie’s, and it transpires that she’s in the throes of the red menace. That would explain her distress and anxiousness to speak with Kate.

though i'm not sure why. Kate certainly doesn't appear to have hit puberty

At the end of the episode, Toadie kicks Jade out of his house, though because this is about the eighth time this has happened, i’m disinclined to believe she’s going anywhere.

FRI

Of course, within 2 minutes of the episode beginning, Toadie and Jade (or Jay Jay, as Sonya obnoxiously refers to her) sit and enjoy breakfast, laughing and chatting like old friends.

Another minute, and they’re high fiving like a couple of stoked teenagers

That’s it neighbours, i’m never believing anything done or said on this show ever again.

Later on, out on the street, Lou does his best to describe Lucas’ financial situation to Callum. “You see mate,” he begins, “Lucas is what we call ‘asset rich, cash poor'”

well sure, if by 'asset' he means 'not' and by 'cash' he means 'dirt'

Brennan warns Lucas about conducting illegal activities as a means to make easy money. I don’t know why Lucas doesn’t just follow the time-honoured mechanics tradition of stealing money from women?

"Flat tyre? Ooh, big job, that"

Anyway, Lucas buys a new bike and the remainder of the episode is concerned with people coming up to him asking him how he got the money. Lucas tells Sonya that he didn’t pay a deposit for the bike, or some shit, then she discovers that he lied. “If you lied about this,” she shrieks, “you could lie about anything!”

Why, he could even lie about being the birth mother to his boyfriend's adopted son..presumably

Sonya also has a fat ass.

she keeps it in the yard

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