Archive for March, 2011

Neighbours recap 21st-25th March

March 31, 2011


So, I’ve been away for a couple of weeks, enjoying the beach and the last of the nice weather, the sunshine as warming as the respite from this show’s nonsense. It turns out, however, that it was quite the busy period for neighbours, with the departure of both Zeke and fakelan. And under normal circumstances no less! I’m greatly disappointed that the writers didn’t engineer Zeke’s demise via any of the elaborate death sequences I had imagined. And yet it’s also rather appropriate that Zeke left not with ceremony, but rather with a pathetic whimper. Farewell Zeke, you were a constant source of amusement and ridicule. In your honour, I have penned a haiku, which I trust you’ll enjoy while sipping your latte, in hell.

See Zeke, bevested

A sissy, sham of a man

A recapping goldmine

Fakelan, on the other hand, I couldn’t care less about. I mean, he wasn’t even a real character anyway. Without fakelan and Zeke, my primary fodder for recapping, I even considered throwing in the towel on recaps altogether. Let’s just say, thank God for Lucas.


Jade goes for another jog.

This is because she is the sporty one. Honestly, Cardboard Callum had more depth.

At the hospital, tash goes for an ultrasound. Or so Michael and Andrew believe- summer, less so- she’s becomes suspicious of tash’s erractic, evasive behaviour, such as tash’s insistence at having the procedure done alone. At any rate, Tash emerges from the doctor’s office with a set of ultrasound photos. Her nostrils flared with suspicion, summer takes a photo of the ultrasound with her iphone

She then ‘analyses’ the photo on her computer and discovers a ‘new york hospital’ watermark in the corner of the photo. She speaks to tash’s doctor about this, who informs summer that the ultrasound is a fake, and that she’d received a ‘bulletin’ about a shadowy cabal of ultrasound forgers, for whom the ‘new york hospital’ watermark is something of a calling card. Putting aside the unlikelihood of an internet-based ultrasound forgery operation existing at all, let alone receiving sufficient noteriety to draw the worldwide attention of doctors, with ‘bulletins’ sent out to alert them to their criminal handiwork, why would the forgers bother putting a watermark on the ultrasound at all? Let alone one that has the symbol for ‘new york hospital’, which, the doctor informs summer, isn’t even a real hospital? Evidently, these hardcore counterfeiters are willing and able to produce fake ultrasounds, but draw the line at the copyright infringement of appropriating the logo on an actual hospital. I feel embarrassed for whichever writer squeezed out this greasy log of a storyline.

Elvis was working on a big neighbours storyline when he died

Elsewhere on ramsay st, Kate and Jade are determined to have some fun, so they head to Charlie’s, where they run afoul of a couple of dickheads

The one on the right regales them with a terrific tale about how he once “gatecrashed a party that turned out to be the 21st birthday of the local cop’s daughter!”

Andrew goes to the general store for a coke, when this catches his eye

the coffee shop, now with 90% more implausibility!

Moments later, Andrew heads to grease monkeys for a burger and french fries, and while there, picks up a pram

It came free with the burger!

At the episode’s conclusion, Summer reveals tash’s treachery.


Tash comes clean to summer and andrew. The acting is as ridiculous as Andrew’s feathered hair-helmet

Micheal is furious at tash, specifically, the way she pretended to love someone when she was actually just trying to exact revenge upon them. How could Michael care about someone who would do something like that?

Oh, right

Tash goes looking for Michael but can’t find him anywhere, which is surprising, given there are only about 3 locations in erinsborough.

Michael comments on tash’s behaviour:

“You deliberately set out to hurt people who had hurt you”

“it was selfish and cruel..”

“I just can’t get past that!”


Andrew gets revenge on Tash, Gen Y style!

Meanwhile, after spending the night in the back of his car like a filthy transient, Michael seeks Lucas’ counsel on his lifestyle choice

"now Michael, for special occasions, the liquid handwash from a truck stop bathroom makes an excellent shampoo"

Michael then flippantly remarks that he “feels like running away, to portugal,” then sighs and smiles wryly at the sheer unimaginable unfeasibility of that option. After all, he’s got his job to consider, and tash has a baby on the way, as well as a boyfriend, and all of her school friends.

Oh, wait..

Indeed, in the very next scene, tash complains to Susan, “I don’t have anyone!” followed by, “and dad doesn’t have anything! Not even a job!”

Unfortunately, what he does have is a contract that precludes his character to leave the show just yet, irrespective of how much sense it would make in this situation. Fortunately, making sense is not a primary consideration for the scriptwriters.

Anyway, over at erinsborough high, Macca antagonises Summer. “First Zeke the geek, now Robbo!”  “What a skank!” he proffers, when perhaps he should have said, “what is it with you and homos?”

In the coffee shop, Michael hits rock bottom.

Lucas says that he "looks shabby". Lucas.

Fortunately, his luck soon changes, as Susan convinces the school comptroller to reinstate him, leaving me wondering what, precisely, was the point of the whole ‘michael getting fired’ storyline?


In an awkward, half-assed effort to create a new plotline, Callum listens to the rap music, specifically. a song called field of dreams by an aussie hip hop  group called bliss n eso. Humorously, the word ‘fuck’ is plainly audible no less than twice in the background. At any rate, proving that listening to rap music is the first step toward delinquency, Callum destroys a coffee table, then fashions from the wreckage a shiv, ready to ‘pop a bitch’ like one of his rap idols.

Later on, with a newfound sense of identity born of his appreciation for negro musical culture, Callum heads to the general store to “pick up some chocolate

Hey baby, you come here often?

Later, at the flea market to buy a gift for his bitch, Callum finds a toy monkey that seems to hold some significance to him


Like a deranged sex predator, Turdfish sneaks into Callum’s bedroom in the dead of night.

Callum urinates in sheer terror, while his terrified shrieks wake the neighbours.

The nexy day, as callum dozes off in class, he has a vivid flashback to a time when, as a small child, a woman whose face is conveniently just out of shot prises the toy monket from his grasp. “Don’t take it!” callum mutters under his breath, though it’s unclear if he’d referring to the toy being taken, or his innocence during the first instance of toadie’s midnight visitations.

In a bizarre sequence, sophie attempts to extract callum’s memory via hypnosis. Lying on the couch, a patently non-hypnotised Callum- insofar that he continually sits upright, awake and makes sarcastic comments- is nonetheless able to completely recall the particulars of the dream

The dream confirms the toy monkey as the key to his mother’s identity. It also means that, to callum, the stuffed chimp is more familiar and recognisable than his own mother’s face.