Neighbours recap 21-25th February



It’s the start of new week of neighbours, which means a new vest for Zeke

With its artfully frayed lapels and faux-retro finish, it might just be the worst thing i’ve ever seen. It should be put in a museum as a memorial to the precise moment that humanity jumped the shark. Frankly, I can’t wait to see the back of it

oh God, the back is shiny!

Meanwhile, at the police station, the Erinsborough police force appear to have devoted the full weight of their resources to busting the illegal street racing racket

look, they have little coloured map markers, like in the movies!

Anyway, it becomes apparent that detective underpants intends to smash this ring of hardened criminals by charging Garland with ‘unlawful assembly’, which wikipedia defines as when “two or more people assemble to do.. a lawful act in a boisterous or tumultuous manner”

With the police plan in place, Lucas shows up at the race where Garland intrduces him as ‘Rob, a mechanic from sydney’

A law created as a result of the landmark Wilson vs Menace decision


Hang on, that's brennan! With clothes on, his disguise is complete

He is able to go undercover because, despite being known to all of ramsay st, working at the police station every day and having given career talks to erinsborough high about policing, the public face of the local constabulary is unfamiliar to its criminal underbelly.


It’s charlie’s birthday, which means lots of this sort of thing and his halting, semi-retarded stammer:

Although he does tell Lyn that he hates her, which pretty much positions him as  being one Zeke and Lucas-insult away from being the best character in the show.

At Charlie’s birthday party, Lyn is unable to hire some manner of lizard performer, so the kids are instead treated to the enthusiastic musical stylings of K.K.Kennedy, though the kids don’t seem too impressed

Spoiled children don’t know a good thing when they see it- personally, i’d like to have karl kennedy perform at my funeral.

Detective underpants makes Lucas an offer: go to prison, or wear a wire in order to catch Garland saying something incriminating. In other words, become a rat

what do you mean 'become' a rat?

He also castigates Lucas for putting Kate and Sophie’s safety in jeopardy through his criminal ties. Lucas does not offer the following by way of rebuttal: “Say, didn’t you give up on pursuing a would-be murderer at large in erinsborough because it was limiting the time you were spending with your flat-chested girlfriend?”


Toadie applies to be a barrister in Melbourne, but feeling underqualified, asks Lucas to take some pictures to spice up his resume

Objection!? Overruled!

Later in the episode, this happens:

The revealing of Karl’s shockingly toned physique is one of the most upsetting things to have happened on Neighbours in recent memory. Having grown up with the show, i’d always viewed Karl as a kindly, slightly uncool, skivvy-wearing father figure- an ideal which was shattered completely and forever the second he slipped off his coat to parade his gym-sculpted, waxed physique. To put in in terms you might better understand, print out the below picture and show it to a five year old and take note of their confused, bitter tears.

By the looks of it, the rest of the cast feel similarly about Karl

Well, almost all of the cast..


Toadie gets upset that his milquetoast girlfriend doesn’t want to give birth to several of his children

Shouldn't you at least propose first, you creepy weirdo?

The whole episode is largely concerned with Toadie and Sonya’s contrasting opinions on having children, with Sonya particularly evasive. Maybe it’ll turn out that she’s had a second child- a brother for Callum:

The Mitchell family's chinese-ness only manifests in every other child

Meanwhile, in the park near lassiters, Rebecca comes clean to Michael, telling him that it was she who pushed Paul. His reaction is the only normal response any ramsay st resident has ever had to a piece of information

Fuck this noise, you crazy bitch!


Fresh-faced fakelan has a heart to heart with Rebecca, with his ridiculous hairstyle doing the bulk of the acting

Bieber at the front, party at the back

Rebecca is upset because she ‘came so close’ to getting Paul to sign an affadavit that would prohibit him from ever pressing charges. I’m not sure that such a thing exists.

Anyway, at the coffee shop, Michael asks Fakelan why Rebecca never went to the police. “She tried to!” assures Fakelan. She tried to? Oh, right, the anonymous text messages to Susan Kennedy, offering such evidence as “Diana didn’t do it”. Say, whatever happened to Diana Marshall? I assume she’s rotting in a cell somewhere

Damn yoouuuuu Rebecca!

Paul then surprises Rebecca with the news that he will sign the document, a ‘statement of no complaint’, which googling informs me is a statement that can be made by a victim who decides not to proceed with further police involvement. It also says, however, that because police have a duty to enforce criminal law, they can override the decision if they think its in the public interest to pursue an offender.

Key among the phrases from the document that is flashed onscreen is the following:

This document then, I am to take it, stands as evidence of the identity of Paul’s attacker- something you’d think people would be interested in, like perhaps the police. Furthermore,  the decision to ‘exonerate Rebecca’ is not Paul’s to make, but rather that of a jury, who may or may not take a dim view of a would-be murderer who subsequently engaged in a months-long campaign of manipulation and deceit to trick her victim into dropping the charges.

It’s hard to be too critical of the legal expertise of the writers though, when i’m pretty sure the sum total of their knowledge of law comes from having watched an episode of Judge Judy

'hey guys, is Baloney a fancy legal term?'


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