MON
As Callum and Sophie embark on a quest to find Callum’s mum, Kate, Summer and Lyn attempt to clean the man shed before abandoning hope and heading to the coffee shop for a gossip and to flick through their calendar
- In an eye-catching ensemble, Susan parades her tasty appetisers, leaving me hungry for more
"And here's where grandma bought popcorn once"
And yet he doesn’t remember his own mother’s face.
Anyway, in a shock cameo, Queen Elizabeth II makes a visit to her commonwealth constituency, and while in Australia, visits Charlie’s Bar for a much needed whistle-wetter.
You can get it taking a bow, or feeding a cow. Matter of fact, i've got it now
Never found wanting with the common touch, Queen Elizabeth next decides to slum it with Lucas and Michael in the men’s shed.
She might be all woman, but she still pounds a tinnie like a champ
I wish we Australians had a leader who liked to party
ahhh, the good old days
Back at the warehouse, Callum does what I would have done right from the word go- start looting the place. He has his eye on a skill tester, but unfortunately it’s on a high shelf, beyond his reach. He then slips off a ladder from what looked to have been the first rung, and is pinned beneath some shit, knocking him out, somehow.
TUE
Callum’s nasty spill has left him unconscious. Paramedics arrive and take him to the hospital.
Over at the Erinsborough gym, Tash quizzes Chris over whom he finds more attractive: the ‘blonde guy from glee’ or Jake Gyllenhaal. Naturally, he picks Jake as having the hotter buns. Tash comments to Chris that he has to find love soon, lest he wind up as a ’30 year old trying to pick up’, which would make him a ‘total desperado’.
Take that, 30+ year old single viewers of neighbours, you pathetic fucking losers!
After all, before Lucas hit 30, he was a lusty adonis. But don’t just take my word for it:
ooh la la
Tash then drags Chris to an aerobics class, where he’s hit on by the instructor, who eye-fucks the shit out of him before propositioning him with a choice pick up line
Are you a galactic postman? 'Cos I have a package for Uranus
At the hospital, Karl reveals that Callum is in need of a blood transfusion, despite not having been bleeding. And as predicted by a prescient Art of Neighbours member months ago -or perhaps just someone inured to this show’s bullshit- Sonya avails herself as a volunteer.
Take my blood, i'm a perfect match!
Anyway, i’m going to reiterate how awful this ‘Sonya is Callum’s mum’ storyline is. As a viewer, it’s genuinely insulting to know that the neighbours producers consider the show’s fans to have such shallow investment in the show’s characters and to be so lacking in intelligent analysis that such a revelation would be readily accepted. I feel like i’m Fred Savage to the writers’ Wayne Arnold
Suck it, butthead!
At any rate, the writers’ retconning of Sonya’s history sets a dangerous precedent. Knowing how fond the writers are of repetition, I can only imagine the crap they’ll be pulling on us in the years to come
"I'm Kate's long-lost brother!"
"I'm declan napier!"
Back at the hospital, Callum awakens from having been knocked out, and rather than being seriously brain damaged, as would be the case in real life, the bang to his head appears to have, if anything, boosted his mental faculties, as Callum is for the first time able to clearly recall the identitiy of his mother
It seems the writers believe that a human brain, much like a malfunctioning appliance, can be remedied via a sharp whack
Fonzie: jukebox repairman/brain surgeon
Anyway, Sonya reveals to Toadie that she is in fact, Callum’s mother. Toadie reacts thusly: What the fuuucckkkk?
don't worry toadie, we thought the same thing
WED
Libby has returned from her extended trip to see Ben, who, as we all recall, was a timid, milk-fed nursling. With Ben having been subjected to the bullying that was the inevitable consequence of being wrenched from his mother’s protective bosom, Libby has been away performing a mother’s duty, delivering unto Ben creamy comfort by the teat-ful
Uh Oh, looks like he's teething
Sonya meets Toadie in the coffee shop and tells him the entire nonsensical truth- that she always knew she was Callum’s mother, something that the writers would like us to believe they had planned from the start, as opposed to an absurd contrivance they concocted a few months ago in a desperate bid to boost sagging ratings. Anyway, Toadie doesn’t like her story any more than do I and orders her out of his house.
"get out of my house"
If this is anything like the time Toadie kicked out Jade, they’ll be high-fiving by tomorrow
THU
For some reason, the producers show us the exterior of Harold’s store with an artsy high-angled shot that highlights all too clearly its lack of a third dimension
I mean, look at it. It’s been clear for a while now that the writers of neighbours think that you’re a gullible moron, and also, it appears, lacking in depth perception.
Kyle, or ‘Special K’ as he’s excellently taken to calling himself, shows us precisely what he thinks of the crappy sets
Libby, not having fucked a teenager in a while, propositions him for sex. Appalled, Kyle shows Libby precisely what he thinks of her proposal
At the hospital, Lucas presents Toadie with a bag, marked ‘Charlies’, filled with ‘stuff for Callum, in case he gets bored’
First of all, when did bars start providing branded calico bags for purchases? Secondly, what might he have purchased? Some beer nuts? Condoms from the mensroom vending machine?
Elsewhere in erinsborough, Brennan has become upset by recent developments that threaten his role as the show’s resident shirtless hunk
hey usurper, keep that shirt on!
Unfortunately, Kyle does not heed his warning, and strips off again
This time, Brennan is not so forgiving and arrests him for ‘indecent exposure’- for having his shirt off. That’s right- Brennan, aka ‘detective underpants’, arrested someone for having their shirt off.
FRI
With telephones mostly still a curiosity to the ramsay st residents, Andrew’s business partner Tomas visits him at home to ask how many dance tickets he’s sold, then leaves. Ominous music is played in the background during this scene though, so i guess he’s up to something.
Brennan, meanwhile, addresses some Erinsborough High students on ‘responsible partying’
“Now, i’m not here to sit on it.” he begins, bizarrely; I mean, he can preach to the students all he likes, but Fonzie’s the one he has to convince
Desperate to earn some extra money, Kyle starts working at Harold’s. Michael strides in and comments “the apron’s a good look on you”
its the same line he uses on prospective wives
Over at Andrew’s, Tomas reveals that at the forthcoming dance party he will have to pay the security staff to ‘look the other way’. I guess this is the reason for the suspicious music- i presume he’s referring to plans to introduce new, higher potency energy-drinks at the dance.
Recap - Neighbours 