Neighbours recap 2nd-6th May

by

MON

Sick of being continually interrupted while sitting in the living room, Summer leaves her house in a huff. “I’m off to find somewhere quiet to study!” she squawks.

The coffee shop! Surely she won't run into anyone she knows there!

Naturally, half a second later, she’s roused from her work by Andrew, of course, because the writers must think that viewers still give a shit about them and their will-they-or-won’t-they romance.

Inside the coffee shop, Toadie comments on Callum’s ability to keep secrets. “It’ll come in handy when he’s older” says Lucas. “Chicks dig that!”. “Wow” scoffs Toadie, “No wonder you’re single”

no, this is why he's single.

Seeing summer struggling with her essay, Kyle attempts to help by hiring the film version of the novel she’s studying. “How is a film going to capture the complexities of a 400 page text!” sneers summer obnoxiously. “Is it going to tell me if i should take a marxist or a freudian approach to its themes?” Now, I may be wrong, but it’s my understanding that karl marx and sigmund freud had few shared or directly opposing philosophies,  so I guess the writers simply picked out the names of two old-timey smart guys. I’m pretty sure the sum total of the neighbours writers’ knowledge of historical figures comes from a staff viewing of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

"Party on, dudes!!"

Or perhaps the writers thought marxism refers to the vaudeville comedy of the Marx brothers

Much more likely

Kyle, Charlie in tow, runs out of the house, desperate to find the dastard who stole the sleeves of his shirt, and the rest of his jeans

TUE

Sonya and Jade have a fight regarding Sonya’s decision to promise Callum that she’d never gamble again, which, despite not having gambled once since arriving on the street, is apprently imprudent. They really are milking the red, chafed teat of this storyline for all it’s worth aren’t they? And you want to know the best part of it all? This

Yes, it seems as though the writers are every bit as stupid, lazy and untalented as I’d imagined them to be. There was a moment, a couple of weeks ago, during a classic scene involving Karl and Susan, where i considered giving the writers a degree of credit, but in retrospect I now realise that they probably based that scene around a snippet of conversation one of them overheard while catching the bus to work. It makes me wonder whether Toadie received a writer’s credit on these episodes and whether the writers are even necessary at all? Perhaps all future episodes could just be based off the offscreen comedy stylings of Toadfish Rebecchi.

Lucas, the kind soul that he is, offers support to the advancement of lesbian interests by swelling their ranks with a run through the park that leaves him burping for air, his wife beater clinging to his sweaty breasts and paunch.

Elsewhere, anxious to dispel the notion that he isn’t a douchebag, Mark “the situation” Brennan whips off his shirt on the flimsiest of pretexts.

"this shirt's chafing me!"

Nevertheless, his pick-up maneouverings from the Jimbo Jones school of impressing women are successful, with Jade finding his charms irresistable

"Now my pants are chafing me!"

WED

While Brennan and Jade debate whether to tell Kate they kissed, Libby continues to work on her life goals

I like “marry man with no emotional baggage”. Because it wasn’t Libby, it was the men who were wrong, all of them:

Remember Doug? I wonder whatever happened to him. Oh, that’s right, Libby had a hysterical overreaction to the fact Doug was doing his job in a professional manner by keeping Steph’s pregnancy confidential. Oh, and then there was Dan, who Libby ditched after not being able to get over the fact that Dan wasn’t able to hear Susan calling for help after falling because he was wearing headphones. These two men, it’s worth mentioning, were among the most level-headed, stable and pragmatic characters ever introduced to neighbours. But in Libby’s mind, they’re the ones with problems. Sounds like the reasoning of a disturbed mind

At Charlie’s, a fundraising quiz is underway. Jade, Brennan, Kyle and Kate, or ‘team awesome’ as they’ve decided to call themselves, forming a group. It’s smooth sailing until Lucas, the ‘quizmaster’, asks the question “in which tv show did someone make out with their best friend’s boyfriend?”

OMG! Totes awkward!

Naturally, this prompts Kate ‘butter-wouldn’t melt-in-my-ass’ Ramsay to climb on her high horse to berate this character for their fictional misdeed. Jade, guilty and defensive, argues bitterly with Kate, while brennan looks on nervously. This is neighbours at its most obvious and dull-witted. Anyway, the answer to the quiz question is ‘The Secret Life of Us’. I’d have guessed Melrose Place, or perhaps any of the 1000 other television programmes in which this storyline has occurred. As the scene ends, ‘run the heart’ by Sleigh Bells is heard. Those motherfuckers, I actually like that band, and now it’s been tarnished; sullied with the same slop-brush the writers use to so ill-define their characters.

Back at the bar, team aweesome debate earnestly over whether the product of a donkey and a horse breeding is a mule or a zebra. Naturally, with idiocy of this caliber among them, they do not win the quiz. Instead, a team of fuckwits with shit on their heads do

They're called 'Russell's team'

Really? Russell’s team? I guess toadie was unavailable to provide creative direction.

At erinsborough high, the board of directors vote to allow a free dress code among its student body

I guess the wardrobe dpt misplaced their dry-cleaning coupon

THU

One person affected by the school dress code change is Sophie. Having lived her life surprisingly oblivious to the way females dress until this point, she takes one look at the cool kids..

Pictured: The cool kids

..and realises that she’s been spending her life dressing like a truck-driving lesbian.

In an effort to fit in, she seeks the help of nerd girl, who herself underwent a remarkable transition from geek to glamour. Nerd girl tells Sophie that such a transformation doesn’t happen overnight: It takes two nights

Day 1: Wear hair down. Day 2: Remove glasses

perhaps the only aspect of this scenario that the writers didn’t pull from any number of teen movies is that the writers decided to call nerd girl Lisa Divine, which is actually based on the real life experience of one of the writers

"hey lisa, i like your new wig"

So when Sophie makes her appearance looking like a cheap hooker, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise

Director: "No no sophie! More disappointment and self-hatred! ahh, yes, that's perfect, just as i remember"

FRI

Dr Karl invites Toadie around for afternoon tea and to sing the praises of his new carb-free diet, which is interesting advice coming from a doctor.

Anyway, back at Erinsborough high, Tash is feeling threatened by Lisa’s social ascendency and so challenges her to a mathematics competition in order to prove once and for all which one is cooler

well, i have been out of high school for a few years now, maybe that's how it works these days

Having been beaten by Tash in the maths challenge, Lisa is further humiliated when she’s dumped by Andrew, who is now embarassed to be seen with her after her public shaming

"what kind of loser doesn't win a maths competition!"

Anyway, with the producers of neighbours as fond of recycling clothes as they are of storylines, they have sophie dress up in summer’s old clothes

and schoolhouse extra rocks a snappy ensemble that includes lisa’s old glasses and zeke’s vest

The episode ends on an exciting note, however, that left me feeling an unfamiliar sense of satisfaction at the end of a neighbours episode: Toadie finds himself in a quandry, and seeks the wisdom of a neighbours favourite to come to his aid. That’s right ladies and gents, harold is coming back!

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2 Responses to “Neighbours recap 2nd-6th May”

  1. iz Says:

    LOL loving the recaps. They are hilarious, in some ways it is a shame that Zeke is gone – the recaps involving him are just too good. 🙂

  2. Schtykler Says:

    funny stuff AND I’m a neighbours fan

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