Neighbours recap 30th May- 3rd June

by

MON

In order to repay Harold for putting his life on hold to help him with his girlfriend troubles, Toadie assists with the wedding plans by spending four seconds scrawling a wedding ‘to do list’ on a notepad

“it’s an awfully long list!” remarks Harold, as he peruses the awfully short list. Clearly none of the writers understand what a wedding involves, though considering the inherent shame in what they do for a living, that’s perhaps unsurprising.

At the cafe, Kyle, Jade and underpants discuss who gets the biggest room. Jade demands it, insisting that she’s not prepared to ‘share a bathroom with Kyle!’

just her vagina

Following advice from Paul to seek more of a work/life balance, Kate organises a bbq with Kyle, Jade and Brennan, however, tension abounds with lingering animosity between Kyle and Brennan, reaching its dramatic zenith with an argument about sausage preferences and whether to buy juice and/or soft drink. I can’t wait for more hilarious sharehouse shenanigans.

TUE

At Lyn’s old house, sharehouse shenanigans continue. A division of duties sees Jade toil in the garden, while Kyle is made responsible for the preparation of meals.

Kyle’s slacking off during the day suggests an impending madcap kitchen disaster, but lo and behold, everyone loves his gourmet feast!

Anyway, who the fuck are all these people? Jade, Kyle and Brennan- not one of them is even a proper character, they’re all just random blow-ins who, without reason, much less deservedness, have weaselled into positions as cast regulars when our backs were turned. I wholly expect Macca and Lisa Devine to appear in next week’s intro,  living at the Kennedy’s. At any rate, Jade becomes suspicious of Kyle’s cooking when she finds a freezer stocked with prepared meals, all neatly labelled with handwriting she immediately recognises as not belonging to Kyle. After all, she’s known him for at least a week

Brennan  then interrogates Kyle, and the jig is up when he’s asked to spell one of the dishes that he supposedly made and labelled himself, the classic spaghetti bolognese.  “B-O-L….” he stammers, before admitting defeat. Being unable to spell bolognese, he clearly can’t have prepared the meals himself, nor written the labels

wait, 'bolognaise'? And the point of this storyline was to catch him out not knowing how to spell the dish? Honestly, can this show's writers go five minutes without embarassing themselves?

Anyway, should Kyle’s deceitfulness have come as a surprise? Didn’t they see Zeke’s flyers back in 2009?

At Charlie’s, Harold’s bucks night is celebrated by standing around, drinking juice and playing darts with Harold’s fiancee. Callum rightly points out what a shitty bucks it is.

'this party sucks!'

Fortunately, things spice up as Troy makes his entrance and offers to buy a round of drinks. Harold accompanies him to the bar and tells him that he’s bad news and should leave erinsborough. Troy then shows his appreciation for the wisdom from this fat piece of shit by putting Harold in a vulcan death grip, like fucking spock! Oh, how i laughed.

WED

Harold’s embarrassment is complete when it becomes apparent that he’s soiled himself out of fear, provoking the disgust of Toadfish and the ire of Lou.

Lou: You ffffucking cunt!

With Lou having form in trying to wrest the objects of Harold’s desire from him, most notably in the case of Madge, Lou makes sexually suggestive comments regarding Harold’s fiancee, complete with lewd physical demonstrations, in front of both Harold and a visibly concerned Toadie

Tash and Summer attempt to persuade Chris to put a stop to the bullying he’s been receiving from the basketball team, but he stubbornly refuses to get involved. “I just want to play basketball! None of the rest of it matters!” he asserts. Incidentally, his basketball ability appears to gave skyrocketed since coming out, suggesting that  there is potentially a link between being gay and improved basketball performance

oh, i see

Seeking to improve his standing with his teammates, tash approaches Millsy and tells him to lay off Chris. However, when Chris finds out about Tash’s intervening, he becomes furious and cancels a planned chick-flick  session with Tash. Beseeching him to change his mind, Tash attempts to tempt him with chocolate. “It’s your favourite!” she cheers, “Butt-munch!”

Also noteworthy is the half-arsed design flaws of this fake confection. Note, if you will, the way in which the product name is formatted to run across the width of the product, which no maufacturer would ever do, as the product is designed to stand upright on supermarket shelves

What’s more, despite the product being clearly marked ‘caramel’, its wafer-thinness precludes the presence of any such filling

At any rate, Tash’s munching- big, small or otherwise- is interrupted by a text from Michael indicating that he’ll be home late. Emboldened by this development, Tash heads to Charlie’s and makes small talk with an extra with a terrible lisp and immediately befriends this person.


The extra then invites Tash to sit with her friends and leaves to go to the bathroom, leaving her id on the bar for Tash to steal, which appeats to have been Tash’s preposterous plan in the first place.

THU

Tash sneaks home after what seems to have been a big night out- partying, it seems, with a guy called Ivan, or Eyebrows von Caterpillars

Meanwhile, Paul tracks down Susan and voices his concern that the paper is losing its edge. ‘It feels like we haven’t had a real story for ages!’ he laments, perhaps longing for the glory days of the ‘Scullywag’ piece, when hard-hitting journalism was the order of the day.

Tash sneaks out of home to go to a part with Ivan, where it transpires that he’s a real smoothie as he wooes her with his words- which i will now reproduce verbatim

Ivan: So, glad you ditched work?

Tash: Yeah

Ivan: yeah

Then this happens

"yeah"

Finally, the writers’ shame knows no bounds, as they appear to be attemptiong to drive a wedge between Karl and Susan for some cheap drama. If they ruin the relationship of the two remaining good characters left on neighbours, i don’t know if i can be held responsible for my actions.

FRI

In the clearest warning yet that his kind is not welcome on ramsay st, a brick is thrown through Lucas’ window

sometimes this blog just writes itself

Paul, still sniffing around for a good story for the paper, questions Toadie about Brennan’s suspicious dealings. Toadie informs Paul that he hasn’t heard anything and advises him to exercise caution. “After all, this is your neice’s ex-boyfriend you’re talking about”

and that's a bond stronger than steel

Tash’s new boyfriend hooks her up with an absurdly fake-looking fake id, which, if i know neighbours, will be the start of a slippery slope of irresponsibility that will lead to a tragedy, likely just in time for the christmas break

Who's making these terrible props?


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