Neighbours recap 11th-16th July



Having been searching for him anxiously, Chris’ dad tracks down Chris at the garage and confronts him angrily


Griggorah? What the hell is that? Oh right, Pappas, he’s supposed to be greek. It’s good to see that the casting director considered that when casting James Mason to play the role; it makes at least as much sense as the patently asian Gemma Pranita playing the role of anglo saxon Jade Mitchell.

For the love of Ghandi indeed

Chris’ dad expressly forbids him from becoming a mechanic, or ‘grease monkey’.

"Christos!" he says, "The only thing I want dripping grease all over my carpet is my lunchtime souvlakis!".

George Pappas then seeks out Michael and requests that he talk to Lucas regarding Chris’ ‘unpaid unemployment’. Complying with these wishes, Michael heads to the garage and demands that he ‘pay Chris or cut him loose’- as though Chris performing unpaid work in the garage made Lucas guilty of some kind of impropriety. Bear in mind that unpaid work, or an internship, is the basis of an entire storyline of another character in the show right now. I wonder if the writers are aware of this fundamental contradiction.

Anyway, it soon becomes evident that George’s anger at his son has less to do with Lucas and more to do with Chris’ lifestyle choices- anger which i’m sure won’t be relieved by Chris posting flirty homosexual innuendo all over the internet

ooh yeah, i bet it brings all the boys to the yard


Lucas gets an unannounced visit to the garage from his father’s lawyer, and at least one of the writers of neighbours seems to be ignorant of the distinction between ‘lawyer’ and ‘secret agent’, and has decided to furnish his dialogue with such gems as: “giving up’s not in my job description” and “Lucas, I don’t make mistakes“. Anyway, it seems that the urn of his father’s dirt was just the appetiser, as James Bond  presents unto Lucas his ‘real inheritance’- a large sum of money that his dad had evidently secreted for unspecified reasons.

Lucas, accustomed to being paid only in bagels, is puzzled by the gesture

Michael talks to Tash and reveals his anger and disappointment at her behaviour and how he’s at a loss as to how to deal with her. His speech seemed to be remarkably similar to that time a few months ago, after Tash’s fake pregnancy, when Michael revealed his anger and disappointment at her behaviour and how he’s at a loss as to how to deal with her.

It's about time their two hardest working writers got some credit

Summer is upset that Paul edited her story on the community gardens to portray them as an unnecessary taxpayer expense. Sonya is also upset, because the negative press could cause the community garden program to be shut down. Sonya complains about this to Lucas, who responds thusly:

"Yeah, umm... that sucks?"

Listen writers, when not even the characters within the show give a fuck about its storylines, thats when you know you have a problem. Luckily, we, the viewers, have other, more interesting storylines to sink our teeth into. Like, um, Susan’s friendship with Jim Dolan

Dolan: "Ahem. Well, it's, umm, good coffee today." Susan: "ooh yes, tell me more"

Honestly, i can’t remember neighbours ever being this fucking boring.

Sigh, anyway, Summer and Andrew sneak into Paul’s office to change Summer’s article back, or something, and Andrew becomes so aroused by the thrill of their trespass that he attempts to force Summer to please him sexually

Over at the gym, the writers feel they need to show Lucas’ frustration, so of course they bring old faithful out of retirement.

what is this, like the 20th time this has happened?

This fucking thing has seen more screen time than half the cast.

It's also a better actor

Watching the spectacle from afar, Karl approaches and enquires: “Working out some frustrations?” He actually said that. You see, the writers, concerned that their subtle visual cues might go over the heads of us morons, have the show’s resident medical professional deliver his expert diagnosis.

Anyway, while in Paul’s office it seems Summer found the time to post her article online and rushes to show Sonya

'Sure, it'll get me fired, but a scoop of this magnitude is worth it!'

She then claims that the article will be found by anyone who searches for the garden online, a claim which defeats common sense and is also untrue

So I just realised that, at a loss as to how to develop Summer’s character when she was recast and reintroduced to ramsay st, the writers simply dug up old copies of scripts and made her a reincarnation of ‘teenage libby’. Why? Because fuck loyal long-term viewers of this show, that’s why. Let’s look at the similarities. An opinionated girl who makes a stand on “any and every issue?” Check. Aspiring journalist? Check. Dating a bad boy? Check.  Shit, she’s even living at the kennedy’s- probably in Libby’s old bedroom.

Over beers at Charlie’s, Karl enthuses about his trip and asks Lucas if he ever feels compelled to travel. “Yeah, i still get itchy feet” he remarks

Karl: You know, I can prescribe a cream for that

Lucas’ tinea problem notwithstanding, this entire scene is another example of the meaningless filler I mentioned in my last recap- a desperate effort to spread the thin gruel that is neighbours to its required 21 minutes.


In a piratenet special, Summer prepares to condemn the practices of erinsborough news and Paul Robinson- at least until she receives a phone call from Andrew, who asks her not to. “I’m sorry Andrew, I don’t edit the way some people do!” she responds, forcefully, leaving Andrew no option but to try a more persuasive line of reasoning

"Please.... for me?"

“Surely,” I hear you say, “principled, iron-willed Summer won’t sacrifice her integrity, ideals and professionalism for the sake of acquiescing to her man’s demands?” Well, dear viewer, i’m afraid you just don’t know neighbours

"And we've had a change of programmiung over the break, so the new topic centres on the local skate park. Is it safe for kids?"

Fuck this show. Are there no depths to its misogyny?

Evidently not. In the very next scene, Lucas takes Chris to the pub, and feeling generous, he produces, with a magician’s flourish, a $100 bill to buy a round of drinks for the people at the bar.  With gold-digging claws aglisten at this display of vast wealth, a woman throws herself at Lucas

Because what would it take for a sane, attractive woman to throw herself at Lucas?

$100, apparently


Proving the adage that a fool and his money are soon parted, Lucas begins gambling again, and Sonya, via Chris, learns of his transgression and attempts to help- explaining to toadie that it was likely his father’s death that triggered the relapse, before empathising thusly: “Why, when I found out about mark brennan…’

"I mean, sure, I didn't know the guy, but... wait, what was my point again?"

Over at the house of fuckface, and Kyle is proudly showcasing his new 3D TV, which he says belongs to Honga. Unfortunately, the neighbours producers, too cheap, stupid or lazy to shell out for an actual 3D TV, or even glasses, which look like this-

– instead have Kyle wear a ridiculous set of 1980s red and blue cellophane spectacles, like a bully from back to the future

Ah, Biff Tannen. He sure hated manure

Kyle then explains to Jade that Honga is moving in, and starts carrying his personal effects into the house. Honga himself is conspicuous in his absence, which Kyle claims is due to a bout of ‘pinkeye’, or, in laymen’s terms, ‘casting director’s indolence’, although, having said that, I like the air of mystery surrounding Honga. In my mind I picture him like this, and I don’t want to be disabused of that belief:

"Get yer tits out!" would be his catchphrase.

Desperate to have someone other than Honga move in, Jade declares that she will be able to find someone more suitable within 24 hours, and as fate – or shoddy, predictable scriptwriting- would have it, her next gym client fits the bill perfectly!

Jade: "No way, you're looking for a place to live!? That works out perfectly, because i'm looking for a doppleganger!"


One Response to “Neighbours recap 11th-16th July”

  1. Rayya The Vet Says:

    so where am I to find solace from the rat race? what the hell does that mean!! haha

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