Neighbours recap 25th-29th July


God bless twitter – while mining the resource that is gemma pranita for recap gold, i noticed she retweeted something by Rene Zandveld, who turns out to be a writer for neighbours. We have a name!

Rene likes to go by the username ‘Renesonse’, which I assume is supposed to read ‘Renaissance’, which is a horrible username, much less when it’s misspelled beyond recognition. But then, spelling isn’t really his primary responsibility, i mean, he’s only a ‘tv writer and script ediror’. Wait, what?

Anyway, i will follow his twitter feed with glee, i’m sure we will find some excellent material

are we the peanuts?


While Karl jogs enthusiastically in preparation for his trip to Peru and Susan peruses a map of South America, the viewer is left to marvel at the way that such obvious foreshadowing can only mean that the Kennedy’s aren’t going anywhere

better replace that with a map of West Waratah Susan, cos that's as far as you're going

Over at number 26, to bring themselves closer to one another,  the new housemates decide to play a game of charades with the theme of former ramsay st residents, and Kyle proves to be a crafty competitor

I've got it- Mark Brennan!

Jade comes home and starts moaning how she continually has to tidy up after Kyle,as though he were a grubby, insolent toddler. She then helps him with a maths problem, where he’s attempting to subtract 10% from a  figure. ‘Well,’ Jade helpfully explains, ‘you take figure A and divide it by 100, then multiply it by 10 to get figure B. You then subtract figure B from figure A’.

Or just multiply A by 0.9, einstein

Theirs is a strange relationship indeed, with her attraction to Kyle seemingly based on some sick desire to infantilise and coddle him, as though he were a child.


Jade resolves to tell Kyle how she feels, and asks him to join her that night for a special dinner that she is going to cook for him, much like a mother might do for her child. However, being that this is neighbours, I’ll bet a fucking house that she will start to tell him before being interrupted, probably by the wacky new housemate.

Anyway, while walking with Chris, Tash receives a text, calling her a prawn. This puzzles tash, because she doesn’t know what  being called a prawn means. And nor too, it seems, do the writers

Gross! I hope they sell paper bags at Harold's!

Jade and Kyle enjoy a lovely dinner, and afterwards she sits Kyle down and begins a speech about how she thinks ‘they’re already great friends and how she’s been thinking that……3..2..1..’

'Yoohoo! Dessert is here!'

Fucking neighbours. I’ve seen less predictable outcomes from Harlem Globetrotter contests. Summer, Andrew and Tash hang out at Andrew’s place until he announces, sadly, that Paul will be home soon. Tash, however, is keen to test the limits of the freedom that Michael has granted her, and suggests they move the party to her house, where they can get rowdy without fear of reprisal

This is how kids party these days? Where's the coke and the dead hooker?

Tash then heads to Charlie’s, where she approaches a group of dickheads, who berate her for being a prawn. “You keep the body,” the main one explains loudly,

"and you chuck away the head!" they sing, in unison

So lets get this straight. In Neighbours, Tash is considered a prawn, while Lucas –Lucas–  is catch of the day.

Maybe it’s an ironic statement, in which case i expect Kate to be hereforth referred to as ‘Jugs’


Sonya meets Lucas at the community gardens and cries to him about how, despite her solid business plan and steady job, the bank wouldn’t lend to her- after all, banks don’t lend to just anyone. To cheer her up, Toadie buys her a plant- you know- because the writers have evidently decided that Sonya is not, nor ever has been, a guide dog trainer, but rather, a horticulturalist. Toadie’s gesture, however, is unfortunately unappreciated. “It’s an indoor plant!” she explains, “it won’t survive in the sunlight!”


A new kid has arrived in Erinsborough and is introduced by Michael to the class as ‘Noah Parkin’

"Take that fucking thing off your head" is not, surprisingly, his next sentence

At home, to deal with the anguish of continually being referred to as a prawn, tash treats herself to a block of chocolate, which in this show is like the female equivalent of the punching bag

I'm not sure how her digestive system will cope with this radical departure from her largely krill-based diet

At the garage, Christos, or as other characters refer to him, Christopher, pokes his nose into Lucas’ business and finds that he has 700k in his bank account. Determining that Lucas is not altogether happy with his windfall, Christos helpfully suggests that he give all his money away,

"you know, like Oprah would!" he proclaims

“It’d be just like the time GM gave away all those cars and Oprah took all the credit for it!” he continues

Lucas’ idea of needy people differs from that of wider society, however, as he presents Sonya with a cheque for 700k so that she can fulfil her days old lifelong dream of running a nursery.


Mal appears onscreen for four seconds, as he debates with Susan over who should do his laundry.

Phew, for a moment there i thought that the producers had brought Mal back only to realise they hadn't gotten around to creating anything for him to do

Seriously, what is going on?

"so you're going to be doing Mal's lines, right?". Person two: "What me? I thought you were!"

Laugh if you will, but i’m willing to bet cash money that the sorry scene depicted above is almost exactly what happened in real life.

Anyway, the new kid appears to be quite the songstress

Phase 1 in his musical career is complete: ‘star’ in neighbours to launch music career, a la Sam Clarke. I forget what phase 2 is, but phase 3 is working the fryer at mcdonalds for minimum wage.

Anyway, i’m not sure what kind of crap the writers are trying to pull, but Toadie heads over to the Kennedy’s to get advice regarding Lucas’ offer to Sonya, and Karl  advises against it, from behind the pulpit, or kitchen bench, or whatever, claiming that it could lead to ‘an unholy disaster’, while Susan disagrees, attesting that ‘sometimes you just need a bit of faith‘. The action then moves to Soyna, robed up like Saint Barbarus of Benevento

Sonya then turns around and sees the light. Or at least, a property listing

'seldom does an opportunity present itself'? I presume the text of this sign was 'inspired' by the fortune cookie that came with the writers' chicken chow mein

Lucas takes Chris out to lunch and innuendo abounds as Chris asks if it’s too early to talk about a raise. Lucas responds, sassily, ‘It’s never to early to talk about you getting the sack’

'ooh, i thought you'd never offer!' replies Chris

Andrew begs Paul for money to fund a trip to schoolies, but Paul refuses. Andrew likes schoolies. It’s where he goes to have sex with girls in relationships before making widows of them.


Desperate to score some cash, Andrew explores every moneymaking venture he can think of, but all are fruitless, until he happens across a couple of french backpackers, who are in need of cheap accomodation. ‘Oho!’ I hear you say, ‘As the son of the owner of lassiters, surely it would be easy for Andrew to acquire a room key, pocketing the backpackers’ money all for himself. You would, however, be wrong, because that scenario would have made sense. No, instead Andrew has them stay in the men’s shed, through a series of bullshit contrivances too absurd for me to detail.

Jade, Kate and Kyle then head to Charlies to play some pool, where Jade displays a profound ignorance of the workings of Erinsborough when she suggests that they make Charlie’s their ‘regular hangout spot’, as though an alternative existed. Also, it might just be me, but Jade looks slightly different

I think it's a new hairdo?

Needless to say, it’s a bit awkward between the three of them at Charlies, with the mood as frosted as gay bartender’s tips

Over at the men’s shed, one of the backpackers mentions a backpackers forum to Andrew, which gives him the idea of ‘finding a place for backpackers to stay, market it, and make a killing’, which sounds an excellent business proposition. Why, with erinsborough the buzzing international tourism hotspot that it is, i expect he’ll be a millionaire before the week’s out.

Anyway, with enough time remaining in the episode for the writers to hit us with one last hot carl of a plot development,  Kate comes clean to Kyle about having fucked Rhys. “Oh,” Kyle sighs, despondent, “are you two…?”, before Kate cuts him off with a brusque ‘No, no!’, with a look of complete disgust

"in a relationship? Gross! I merely sucked his balls!"


4 Responses to “Neighbours recap 25th-29th July”

  1. Shona Says:

    As much as I LOVE these posts… Why did no-one pick up on the ridiculous hat Sonya wore in Monday’s episode?? What WAS that?!

    • dinnerdog Says:

      haha, yes, i did notice the hat, but i intend to exhaust my supply of bad-hat related jokes on Noah, who has, up to this point, never been seen without it. I expect it’s covering the dick on his head

  2. Simon T Says:

    I counted down the entrance of Michelle, during that heart-to-heart scene. I was off by one second.

    • dinnerdog Says:

      yeah Simon, i’m not sure why the writers continue to pull this tired routine on us. They either delight in antagonising their viewers, or genuinely believe we find transparent plot-point stalling compelling.

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