Archive for August, 2011

Neighbours Recap 8th-12th August

August 23, 2011


So, today is the day of the auction, and the first 10 minutes or so, that is to say- half, of the episode is spent following Sonya as she anxiously paces back and forth and makes calls to toadfish that are frequent and many. And that’s even before the auction itself, which is as long as it is pointless and inconsequential- i mean, it’s not as though the community gardens will ever appear in any meaningful storylines again. After trying our patience far beyond what could be considered reasonable, the writers then mock us by having Lucas say the following during the auction:

"man, they really drag this out!"

Sonya wins the auction. Jade congratulates her and suggests she get some food and drinks to have a ‘celly-bray-sheown’. That’s how she actually pronounced it. That’s gay even by Renesonse’s dual-masturbatory standards.

Sonya is not up for celebrating though, as she reveals to Jade that she may be pregnant. To try to get Jade to empathise, she asks how she would feel if she were pregnant. “Hey!” Jade spits back, “I take precautions- extra precautions!”

Extra precautions?

“So it’ll never be me”, she finishes. Expect Jade to get pregnant imminently.

With the script demanding Michael to be upset for some reason, he cranks his acting up to maximum

Unbelievably, Michael is able to maintain this high standard of stagecraft as he lectures Kate on his ‘tough love’ approach to parenting. Kate disagrees with his methods, prompting Michael to sarcastically remark- “oh yeah, ‘cos you’ve got so much experience with troubled teens’. And he’s right- she doesn’t have any experience with troubled teens. Well, there was that time that Harry broke into the Kennedy’s, and the time he vandalised Steph’s driveway, and the time he tried to illegally purchase alcohol. Also, she’s a teacher at a high school. But yeah, apart from those things, and probably some others that i’ve forgotten, she has no experience.

Of course, Kate does not defend herself by mentioning any of these things, instead only muttering, feebly- “well, there’s sophie…”, because, as we’ve seen time and again, within the neighbours universe, ramsay st residents simply cease to exist once they leave the street, irrespective of whether they happen to be best friends, cousins, mothers or lovers of other people still living on the street.


Sophie has a guitar tutorial with Johnny Minstrel, and it appears as though she has a crush on him

because it's been *at least* 6 months since Sophie last had an inappropriate crush on an older boy

Anyway, Callum heads over to Sophie’s and announces that there’s a huge package waiting for her outside

"no, it's not me, though I am a giant dick"

The package turns out to be an electric guitar, purchased by a mysterious stranger. Sophie claims that Kate will ‘go ballistic’ when she finds out, and emphasises the need for a cover story to explain it. The question of why Kate would care is of course never addressed, it just seems that the writers wanted to throw in some cheap, contrived drama.

Speaking of contrived drama, let’s take a look at the way Sonya’s potential pregnancy is handled.

Sonya calls Jade to come around while she takes the test. This scene need not exist at all, so i'm chalking it up as 'filler'

Sonya takes the test. She's pregnant. I guess this is kind of momentous

Or is she? A second test is negative. Filler

Sonya and Toadie talk about the possibility of Sonya being pregnant. Though i don't give a shit about this, some people may, so this scene is ok. They decide to go see a doctor immediately

That is, until Callum comes home, 'for lunch' he says. They postpone the trip to the hospital until after lunch

Sonya and Toadie wait to see a doctor

Sonya and Toadie wait for the results of the test

The phone rings!

It's Kyle

Sonya calls the hospital instead of waiting any longer- and just as we were starting to have fun!

The test is negative

And there you have it- this bullcrap consumed the bulk of the episode and is a sorry indication of the present state of the programme- where events of actual significance are substituted for excruciatingly overdrawn storylines involving things that almost happen, like Karl and Susan almost going to Peru, or Jade almost telling Kyle how she feels. Or Dolan almost being about to die. Note, also, that none of the events i just described would be interesting if they actually occured.

To get a different perspective on the state of neighbours at the moment, i sought the opinion of conservative political commentator, cable news host and closet neighbours fan Bill O’Reilly. Say, Bill, what do you think of neighbours at the moment?


Either there’s a storyline about a virus going around the street or the residents of ramsay st are just as sick of the show as i am:

or perhaps they're just sick from all the tripe they've been made to swallow?

At Harold’s, Kate learns of Tash’s desire for plastic surgery and tries to talk her out of it. Speaking of cosmetic enhancements, there’s a couple of small things that¬† Kate should get fixed- procedures she should keep abreast of, if you know what i mean..

I'm talking about her little goblin hands. Gross!

Anyway, what is this storyline about? As near as i can tell, it’s a reaction by tash to being ignored by the main man in her life, leaving her feeling ugly and turning to surgery to make herself more attractive, so that she might win back his affections- just another chapter in the sick sexual conundrum that is Michael and Tash’s relationship.

To help finance her nose job, Tash steals a few of Michael’s old records and sells them to a pawn broker, who pays the absurd amount of $175 for the 6 or so records.

"sure, CD sales are in massive decline and music stores are closing down left, right and centre, but i'd be happy to pay exorbitant amounts for your obsolete technology!

“Better than nothing!”, sneers Tash as she snatches the cash, not having any idea how differently the situation would have turned out had she dealt with a real pawn broker

"I'll give you a buck. Buck-fifty if you show me your tits"

Michael then finds out about the sale of his records and flies into a frothing frenzy, screaming that ‘those were the last things that your mother gave me!’

"And they were pick-up gold! Remember how i used them to nail Rebecca?"


Michael is furious with Tash and reveals his plan to send her to Colonel Oats’ Military Academy, in Alaska, which sounds like an excellent adventure, but Tash is less enthusiastic. The whole scene plays out exactly like a tearful breakup, with Michael even saying that they ‘need some time apart’

"It's not you, it's me"

Michael then heads to Charlie’s, where he runs afoul of Lucas and questions him on the property brochures he was seen reading earlier. Lucas replies that he’s abandoned that idea, with the line “it’s just not for me,” as though the concept of home ownership was a very specific ambition that only appeals to a certain minority niche of society

"Nah, it's the squatter's life for me"


Paul calls Andrew and tells him that he’ll be home early. Unfortunately for Andrew, the house is still full of smelly backpackers! Of course, this can only mean one thing: wacky cleaning montage!

But is there jaunty music? You bet- the jauntiest!

Over at the Kennedy’s, in a moment long anticipated, Susan reveals to Karl that she doesn’t love him anymore and is leaving him for Jim Dolan, a superior man. Karl is devastated, but Jim Dolan takes pity on him and permits him to remain in the house, where he’s to be retained as their servant.

As Karl settles into a life of undignified servitude, he prepares a gourmet lunch for the man who has cuckolded him

I expect his testicles are on that antipasto platter