Neighbours 29th August- September 2nd



Jim Dolan is on his deathbed, and sad music tells me that i’m supposed to care, but i’m finding it pretty hard to do so. Susan, it appears, is the only person who does care, and even then, her reasons are inexplicable.
Karl takes Susan outside to have a private chat about the state of their marriage, and while they’re talking, Dolan carks it. Back inside, she’s informed of his passing by Rhys, and her reaction, oddly, is not one of anguish or bereavement, but rather- bitter resentment and disappointment, like a child informed that there will be no christmas this year. I assume her connection to Dolan was founded upon some kind of sick death fetish, her waning menopausal libido only able to be stimulated by the stink of fresh cadavers. It’d certainly make more sense.


Titillated by Dolan’s corpse, Susan becomes drunk on her sense of arousal, and in a bid to maintain the buzz, she wheels Dolan’s carcass outside for a series of madcap, weekend at Bernies-style adventures


"You'll have to excuse my friend- he's dead tired"

Not everyone is as thrilled by Dolan’s passing, however, as Rhys is, surprisingly, haunted by the memory of Dolan’s death


"Dealing with sick patients is the toughest part of my job..."

I guess this is just another instance of the writers trying to milk out a situation for all that it’s worth

Pictured: A neighbours writer at a scriptwriting seminar

To take his mind off the daily realities of his profession, Rhys hits the gym, but finds no respite from grey-hued flashbacks of Dolan’s final moments. Kyle then challenges him to some sort of physical showdown. When Kyle wins, he takes the hand of his sweaty adversary and demands, as the victor, that the greasy, defeated opponent take him out for drinks

"You can call me Leonidas, 'cos i'm about to go ancient greek on your ass"

If this all sounds a bit gay, it’s because it totally is.

Over tea, Susan drafts Jim’s death notice for the paper, presumably for the benefit of all the people who cared enough about him to visit him in hospital. She then chats with Mal, and mentions that her connection to Jim may have arisen out of guilt over her failure to save Alex, and “all the other people I couldn’t help, like Ringo, and my unborn baby”

"and Bridget, and Marco, and, shit, why not- Todd Landers"


Continuing their policy of mining sitcom clichés, Toadie invites his boss around to dinner, a la I Love Lucy, Bewitched, the Brady Bunch and every other sitcom from an era the writers hope you’re unfamiliar with. Impressing upon Callum and Sonya the importance of it and how ‘nothing can go wrong’, i look forward to wacky mishaps! Luckily, I don’t have to wait long, as two seconds later..

Oh no, the power's out!

and the boss is early!

They then decide to have a bbq, and things become awkward once the boss starts razzing on vegetarians, because vegetarian jokes are so funny.

"Lettuce enjoy our meal." Haw!

Over at the coffee shop, Noah impresses Kate with a drawing of her

"Oh thankyou!" she blurts. "I like how your 2D depiction really captures the flatness of my chest and personality"

Noah then looks longingly at Kate, thus swelling the ranks of the unlikely parade of attractive suitors that have been drawn to her in recent momths.


In the most egregious instance of time wasting since Mourinho’s 2003 uefa cup victory over Celtic, Tash packs her bags to go overseas. Of course, we know that she won’t be going anywhere, because that would be completely discordant with the neighbours policy of  only having storylines in which things almost happen. Naturally, 12 seconds into this pointless charade-

"Unpack your things, i've cancelled your place"

So there it is. It’d be churlish of me to suggest that this whole storyline has been a pointless waste of time, especially in lieu of the revelations that emerged in the course of the storyline, like the fact that Michael’s ex wife once bought him some records, and that Tash and Michael’s relationship makes far more sense when framed within the context of feuding lovers.

"Honey, let's never fight again"

At the garage, some of the crappy equipment craps out while Lucas attempts to teach a class of erinsborough high students. Lucas then bemoans the fact that he will require the owner’s permission to buy a replacement. Chris expresses shock that Lucas is not, as he’d assumed, the owner of the garage. “So who is?” enquires Chris. “Some chick in New York,” comes Lucas’ reply.

"Yeah, just some chick. I think i might have been engaged to her at some point"

Lucas then learns that Elle is preparing to sell the garage. He demands that Paul let him talk to her, but Paul dismisses him, remarking that she’s “working on some really big story- some trial in the Hague’. I like how the writers- forced to imagine an important assignment for an actual writer- someone who, unlike themselves, does not splurt out soap opera slop into the toilet that is television – put their heads together and conjure a scenario apparently inspired by a half-remembered news report about Slobidan Milosevic from a decade ago.

Kate teaches a class at erinsborough high, and refers to Noah as introverted, just as she permits him to perform a play in front of the entire class instead of submitting a written report- because that’s what introverted people like to do.

And it turns out that he's no better at acting at acting than he is at acting

Outside Lassiters, Lucas approaches Paul and announces his intention to purchase the garage from his daughter. Paul, however, expresses his concerns that Lucas lacks the mettle to own a business. “You see Lucas,” he begins. “There are two types of people- owners and employees- and when you own a place, you can’t just nick off when things start getting a bit rough.”

"You know, just like Lyn wouldn't abandon the coffee shop when times got tough, or Rebecca the bar, or Elle the garage"


After Paul’s chiding, Lucas is having second thoughts about buying the garage. “Not everyone needs to own stuff” he remarks to Toadie, as though owning possessions was a lofty ambition reserved for aristocratic types.

Sonya holds a gala event to mark the opening of her nursery, and cunningly swindles Lucas out of his inheritance by convincing him to trade it for a bag of magic beans.

At school, meanwhile, Tash is continually distracted by the sound of water in her ears. It’s every bit as stupid as it sounds. Chris improbably deduces that the water may not be related to her pool mishap the other day and ‘might be a memory- perhaps of the ocean- perhaps during one of the trips to the beach with her dad when she was a kid- and maybe the sound of the water is a vestige of a traumatic incident that may have occurred during one of these trips’. Bear in mind, these flashbacks are presented as a direct result of hitting her head in the pool, because, just as we witnessed during Callum’s search for his real mother, the writers seem to genuinely believe that cranial trauma can trigger repressed/hidden memories, the medical basis for this assumption coming, most likely, from a bugs bunny cartoon.


One Response to “Neighbours 29th August- September 2nd”

  1. Katy Says:

    Excellent work as always!

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