Neighbours recap 19th-23rd September 2011

MON

Looking to throw a spectacular birthday bonanza for Sonya’s 30th,  Toadfish and Mal sit at Harold’s and discuss potential venues around Erinsborough that are sufficiently fancy to honour the occasion. With animosity with Paul precluding Lassiters from consideration, where else could they possibly go? If you guessed ‘the men’s shed’, you’d be wrong- the real answer is worse, if you can believe that that could even be possible

"Hey Toadie, how about we have the party in your backyard?"

Kyle, meanwhile, continues to rally against the shopping centre, hypothesising that the new DIY megastore would offer ‘free classes to teach people the basics’, “Basics that I charge people money for!” he cries. It seems, then, that his entire business amounts to little more than a scam, a scam that would quickly unravel once his clients realised how easily, and more cost-efficiently, they could have fixed things themselves

"Oh, a lightbulb out? Big job, that- but you've got a nice face, so i'll only charge you two grand"

Rhys then argues that the shopping centre would ‘be good for the community’- a fact that Kyle grunts in agreement with. So here we have Kyle, fighting against a proposed development, not on behalf of the community, but for his own selfish motivations- motivations which are best summarised as: ‘It’s much easier to fleece an ignorant customer base.’ But Kyle’s meant to be the nice guy on the show right? ‘Cos these don’t sound like the actions of a nice guy- they sound more like the actions of a cunt.

His argument then gets stupider as he screeches that he ‘cant compete with their discounts!’, which, naturally, makes no sense, in that he’s offering a service, while the DIY megastore offers products.

Sure, he's smiling now, but wait til tesco moves into the neighbourhood

Still planning Sonya’s 30th with Mal, Toadie cannot restrain his enthusiasm as he blurts out,”‘This party’s going to rock!”, just as Sonya walks in- leading Sonya to question, “What party?”, and instead of pandering to Sonya’s pinko sensibilities by answering “the communist party!”, Toadie instead panics and spills the beans.

Remarkable about this scene is the manner in which Eve Morey, in the face of criticism that she bears no resemblance to her sister within the show, Jade, strives to increase the physical resemblance through subtle -almost imperceptible- facial expressions.

" A surplise party? Me Rikey!"

Anyway, with the cat out of the bag, Mal is sidelined, as Toadie and Sonya work together to plan the party, with Sonya, or the neighbours financial comptroller, quickly rubbishing many of Toadie’s more elaborate ideas. “No marquee!” she demands, “Or mirror balls, or smoke machines!”

Toadie then informs Sonya that they’ve certainly heard the last of Callum for the night, explaining that he’s “‘busy with a new computer game- have you heard the noises from his room?!” asks toadie. “Oh, it’s probably just a game” replies Sonya.

Seriously, does anyone actually write the dialogue for this show, or do the actors just ad-lib their way through it?

And at the end of the episode, Kyle gets his just desserts as he’s menaced by a gang of local toughs, furious at his efforts to stifle the growth of their suburb.

"Honga, help!" he cries, but even Honga has deserted him.

TUE

Dressed in her best schoolmarm attire, Kate tries to get the class enthused about contributing to the ‘Erinsborough history wall’

"Erinsborough is full of history- believe it or not, Lucas was once considered the town hunk!"

She then convenes a meeting of the 4 or so people who bothered to volunteer, and it’s a complete bust.

Even the school paedophile looks bored

Seemingly having no friends prior to moving to ramsay st, Rhys hangs out with Kyle at Charlie’s, where he finds time in between sips of his liliputian beer to mock Kyle’s profession. “Being a doctor is tricky…” he begins

"but building a fence or a pagola- now that's a real craft!"

there is literally no way in the world a person could ever utter that sentence without sounding like a condescending prick. He was evidently supposed to have been earnest though, as Kyle cheerfully introduces Rhys to Summer. “Oh, my brother Boyd is studying to be a doctor” she comments

"(my) guns don't kill people. Pathogenic viruses kill people"

Meanwhile, at Erinsborough High, Andrew happens across Noah’s diary, where he’s written some song lyrics about his love of Kate. “It’s because of you,” he writes, “That i’m ok to stay unnoticed”

And by 'staying unnoticed' i assume he means 'craft myself the most extravagant uniform ensemble since Sophie's hooker makeover'

Unfortunately for Noah, it’s surely a love that can never be- i mean- she’s at least a whole year older than him.  Credit to the writers though, I can only think of four other instances of a student having an inappropriate crush and/or affair with their teacher (zeke/sophie, rachel/angus, taj/libby, tad/susan), which, by neighbours standards, shows remarkable restraint.

WED

With Noah’s scenes to date primarily consisting of sullen apathy, there’s been scant opportunity for him to flex his acting muscles. Well, such an opportunity arises in today’s episode, as he vigorously defends the accusations from Andrew that he’s in love with Kate. And he’s a fucking  terrible actor.

"That song wasn't about yoo! Honest!"

Elsewhere, Michael discovers that some scullywag has posted an article about Tash’s mum on the history wall suggestion noticeboard

'Couple in custody battle'? Even back in '89, Erinsborough news was breaking the big stories

Michael tears down the article and races over to Summer’s, where, in a torrent of spittle-flecked invective, he makes it clear that she’s to stay out of his business. The plot, it seems, has thickened.

It's got to be at least a type 3 now

To cool off, Michael heads to lassiter’s lake. Deep in reflection, he stares towards the footbridge- where, no shit- this happens:

Yes, that's a ghost. As though neighbours wasn't preposterous enough

THU

At the Kennedy’s, Andrew & Summer are interrupted while smooching on the couch by Mal- i’ll spare you the screenshot- and Andrew plucks up the courage to ask whether it’s ok for him to stay the night. Playing the role of cool older brother, Mal consents. In fact, so cool is he that he even suggests Andrew and Summer stay so he can share his dinner of fish and chips with them.

"there's plenty to go round!" he claims, suggesting he possesses a Jesus-like ability to magically multiply foodstuffs

At Harold’s, Michael freaks out while having dinner with Tash, as he witnesses another ghostly apparition. With my knowledge of medicine gleaned wholly from neighbours, i’m guessing that these visions of the past are the result of a bump to the head

and not, you know, schizophrenia.

Later, back at the Kennedy’s, Summer shows tash the article about her mum, and Tash chuckles at a line within the article that her mum also had concerns about the size/shape of her nose

"lol! I guess my beauty queen mother was also an ugly prawn, like me!"

Their gossiping is short lived, however, as Mal and Andrew return from feeding hot chips to the ducks in the backyard. Tash then leaves, while Mal rifles through the freezer for ice cream. “Argh, I don’t know why i’m so hungry!” he bleats, in the most easily solved riddle the world has ever seen

well Mal, I don't know, but i reckon it has something to do with you sharing your meal with 2 other people. And some ducks.

Summer and Andrew then head off ‘to bed’, with a wink. Minutes later, however, Karl arrives, unexpectedly early! Mal greets him at the door and is visibly anxious as he attempts to distract him from the sounds of Summer’s lovemaking. Asking where Summer is, Mal answers “oh, she’s sleeping”. “Ok,” replies Karl, “I’ll just pop my head in and say hi then.”, leaving Mal scrambling for a suitable response.

May I suggest- 'um, don't- that's creepy as shit!'

The jig is up soon enough though, as Andrew’s formless physique emerges from Summer’s bedroom and comes face to face with a livid Karl Kennedy.

For God's sake man, do some pushups

Karl calls Summer, Andrew and Mal to the dinner table, where he calmly explains that he’s fine with Andrew staying over, so I guess he was angry about something else when he made this face a minute ago:

Rising income taxes? Or inconsiderate motorists, perhaps

FRI

Attempting to download music for the party, Jade and Sonya discover that their household has exceeded their download limit. They deduce that the culprit is clearly Callum downloading pornography. I think this might be the first time a character in neighbours has ever done anything realistic

"So Sonya, how about making up for some of that breastfeeding i missed out on as a child?"

Sonya then confronts Callum directly about the downloading, where she says that she understands that he’s becoming a curious young man but that those videos ‘are not particularly respectful, nor are they particularly real’

Not respectful? This suitor has even brought a dinner in pursuit of their courtship

Later, at Paul’s house, his new scrub-woman, and soon-to-be love interest – i’m sure – laments the loss of the old erinsborough news offices to the development of the shopping centre

"By Jingo, that's it!" he exclaims, "that building has to be at least 40 years old- i'll be able to get it heritage listed for sure!"