Neighbours recap 3rd-7th October



While at the coffee shop, toadie glances at an ad for Kyle’s business in the local rag

Say, which scriptwriter’s terrible idea was it to call the business ‘dial-a-Kyle’ anyway? Unless the word ‘Kyle’ means ‘handyman’, which it patently does not, the title doesn’t make any sense and seems entirely predicated on the fact that ‘dial’ happens to rhyme with ‘kyle’. I suggest he rename his business ‘Crafty Kyle’, speaking, as it does, of his skills as a craftsman and penchant for screwing his clients. Plus he already has posters ready-made.

While Tash’s aunt attends to her hair and makeup, Tash interrogates her on topics relating to her ancestry and family, barely stopping to take a breath before pursuing a different line of questioning.

“Wow,” remarks Tash’s aunt, “You’d make a great hairdresser!”

Because being a hairdresser requires no talent or enthusiasm for the job, just a proclivity for inane gossip

Hairdressers of Melbourne- now you know precisely how little the writers think of you- something you’ll do well to remember the next time one of them comes into the salon to get his tips re-frosted.

Over at the Kennedy’s, Mal, comforted by the belief that his parents won’t be splitting up, prepares to leave, and reminds summer that she needs to speak her mind to Karl and Susan, dismissing her concerns that ‘it’s not her place as she’s not family’. “Oh come on,” assures Mal, “Your surname doesn’t have to be Kennedy to be considered family around here”

Or Scully, apparently

Toadie approaches Lou, Kyle and Lucas and informs them of the developer’s intention to purchase the land on which their businesses operate and is willing to pay 30% more than their businesses are worth. “With that kind of money, you could relocate,” advises Toadfish. “I don’t want to relocate!” shouts Kyle, angrily, as though relocating involved something other than parking his ute in a different spot.

"Fuck that shit!" protests Kyle, "I just got the sweet parking spot under the old fig tree!"

Susan is back home, and sits down to a dinner of foreign curiosities such as ‘pappadoms’ and ‘raita’, which Mal has lovingly prepared, but which Susan continually derides. “Almost as good as I’d make,” she comments, ungratefully. Susan then drops a bombshell with regards to her marriage to Karl

"I'm sorry Mal, but we've decided to make like your sauce, and split"


News of Karl and Susan splitting up sends shockwaves throughout the community, with scenes of mourning equivalent to those expressed after the death of a major character

Or more so- as i recall, stingray's death was celebrated with a street party. There was cricket and cake and everything

More animated is Mal, who is Malcontented with the reasons provided for their breakup. “What’s going on?” he demands. “Mum gets back and you tell us you’re splitting up like you’re telling us what’s for dinner!”

Banana Split?

The news is particularly hard to swallow for Summer, whose love for Andrew is matched only by her disregard for her relatives.

Kyle goes to Jade for advice about Toadie’s offer, with Jade encouraging him to ‘trust his instincts’, telling him that he’s ‘a smart guy’. These insincere falsehoods appear to tickle Kyle just  right, as he chases Jade back home to confess that he’s in love with her and wants to be in a proper relationship. As this moment went to air, I exclaimed loudly: “Fucking finally! This bullshit saga is finished!”, “Unless,” I added, with a cynical chortle, “she says no.” Surely, as atrocious as neighbours is, no writer is retarded enough to have Jade do that.


"No. The, umm, feeling's wrong"

Bravo, writers, you’ve outdone yourselves. Not yet content that they’ve punished us sufficiently for our ongoing loyalty to the programme, however, the writers then treat us to a two-minute montage, set to music, of Jade doing yoga,

and Kyle sanding a door.

At the garage, Chris’ dad has discovered that Chris intends to become a mechanic and confronts Chris angrily

This reminds me of that time a few weeks ago when Chris’ dad confronted him angrily over his decision to be a mechanic..


Jade heads over to Sonya’s and explains how Kyle professed his love for her – you know, the very thing Jade had been daydreaming about for weeks – and how she then turned him down. Sonya reacts in much the same way as I did

Yep, that's it, that's the same face I made

Jade then abruptly cuts off the discussion, stating that she’s ‘sorted out’ the situation, with an air of finality that suggests we’ve heard the last of this awful storyline for at least another10 minutes.

Back at Sonya’s, Jade reveals how she went out drinking with Mal, suggesting that she’ll probably see him again, because he’s a fun guy

Fun Guy= funghi. Get it? ...Wow, tough crowd.

Less than 10 minutes later, Jade sees Kyle toiling and stops to look longingly at him. For one minute and fifteen seconds. No dialogue is exchanged during this scene, mind you, it’s just 75 seconds of Jade staring at Kyle as he works.

This gets my highest rating ever - 3 fillers!

It’s breakfast at the Kennedy’s, and Susan offers Mal some eggs

Sorry mum, but your eggs are dry and shrivelled - like Libby's!

Karl and Mal then decided to head to the men’s shed to build a stage, presumably so the men’s shed might serve as a venue for the comeback tour of The Right Prescription. While rearranging furniture, however, they chance upon Lucas’ stash of masturbatory material


While walking to school, Summer takes some time out from complaining about the moth problem at the kennedy’s to educate tash on serbian history- however, tash is uninterested. “Serbia’s such an interesting place!” she comments, sarcastically

"Gross! All they have is communism and sausages!" Says Tash, aka Valentina Novakovic


3 Responses to “Neighbours recap 3rd-7th October”

  1. alicew Says:

    I have good news for you – Susan Bower’s resigned!

  2. Dr Cheese Dick Says:

    Genius as ever. Watching Neighbours is such a chore, but at least we have this website to keep us going. Thanks.

    Personally I was hoping for a long, joyless, soul crushing marriage for Kyle and Jade, two of the most unlikeable characters to ever appear on TV.

  3. Rich Says:

    Looking at that link for Susan Bower resigning, who knew Summer had impressive norks?

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