Neighbours recap 17th-21st October

by

MON

At the police station, Kate is informed of Mark Brennan’s death

"I'm sorry, Mark who?"

The detective goes on to explain that Brennan’s chiselled, shirtless physique was found in an abandoned meat packing facility, with Brennan having evidently summoned his last ounce of strength before perishing to kneel down and pose, self-consciously, in a manner reminiscent of Rodin’s ‘thinker’. “It was the gayest thing I’ve  ever seen,” explains the detective.

Kate then heads to the history wall to depict, for time immemorial, some of her and brennan’s most tender moments, such as when he fucked Jade, or how she fucked Rhys so soon after Brennan’s departure that the scent of his manly musk still hung thick in the air.

To convey Kate’s sense of shock, the artistic brains behind this show’s production film -ostensibly from Kate’s perspective- with a fish-eye lens

meanwhile, toadie's calls behind her fade into a distant, surreal echo of "kate-ate-ate-ate"

I can only assume that these bizarre symptoms are the symptoms of shock as experienced by the member of production responsible for this scene- perhaps upon his discovery that Gucci were having a half-priced sale on pointy-toed italian loafers.

Kate then removes her shoes and walks home barefoot, for some reason. Once home, she lies down on her bed, where blue-hued flashbacks remind us that she’s thinking of Brennan, which is important, because we idiots might otherwise mistake Kate’s troubled expression for something else.

"Fresh corn, or canned? I just can't decide.."

Elsewhere, in keeping with the grand neighbours tradition of having the ramifications of an event illogically affecting people who should otherwise be unconcerned, Callum bakes some cookies to cope with Brennan’s death, then tells toadie that talking to Sonya made him feel ‘a bit better’. To console him, Toadie then presents Callum with a brand new laptop.

"Thanks Dad! This extravagant gift will assuage my grief over the death of a minor character that i'm not sure I ever actually met!"

Seeing Kate upset at the history wall, Noah approaches and offers a shoulder for her to cry on. And by ‘shoulder’, I of course mean ‘dick’ and by ‘cry’, I mean ‘suck’.

Not content with wooing Sophie, he's moved on to her sister. It appears Noah wants two of every animal

First Rhys, now this- this appears to be how Kate honours the memory of her relationship with Brennan. I assume that for an encore at the funeral she’ll fuck Lucas right on top of his coffin.

TUE

For her uni application, Summer has decided to produce a documentary on the history wall. She then shows Susan her work so far- beginning with an interview with Noah

and summer, it seems, is three feet tall

“Why do you want to work on the history wall?” asks summer, in her interview. “I dunno,” comes Noah’s daft reply. “I like art and stuff.”

“See!” complains Summer of her video, to Susan. “He doesn’t say anything!”

“Well, that’s because you’re still working on it,” replies Susan, instead of saying, “Well, perhaps that’s because you chose to interview, on the subject of the Erinsborough history wall, the one person with no history in Erinsborough.” “You dickhead,” she adds, for effect.

While Toadie and his corporate lawyer boss are busy with shady and unscrupulous dealings- because that’s what lawyers do- Karl and Rhys and the hospital head of surgery play a round of golf- because that’s what doctors do.

Soap scriptwriters, meanwhile, peruse the 'big book of stereotypes' with one hand, with the thumb of the other inserted firmly up their arseholes

Kate heads to the coffee shop to inform Noah that she can’t allow anything to happen between them ever again. Noah seems like he’s cool with this, but a subsequent examination of his sketchbook reveals the depths of his feelings for Kate.

and yet this sketch appears to be of Summer. The gigantic flared nostrils are a dead giveaway

WED

The beginning of this episode sees Jade get quite the surprise as she walks in to her house only to confront a mystery individual, who quickly introduces himself as Kyle’s larrikin, ocker cousin. We know he’s ocker because, in his first 30 seconds of dialogue, he uses the words ‘franger’ and ‘sanga’. Franger, he erroneously explains, is short for ‘Frankston’.

Kyle’s cousin then ‘explains’ that Kyle has gone to Frankston to look after his mother, and that while Kyle is away, he is going to be looking after Kyle’s business. I’d wondered how they were going to work in the injury to the actor who plays Kyle – what absurd contrivance they were going to force the viewer to accept- and here it is:

"Hi, I'm Franger!"

Jade then takes him to the coffee shop, where the situation is described thusly to Summer: “Kyle’s mum is sick, which is why Kyle’s gone and Franger is here,” as though that serves as an adequate explanation.

"Wait, why is Franger here?"

Franger  then repeats to Summer some rumours he heard about the shopping centre building developers involvement in a corruption scandal with the local council. “You’d have to get it checked out first, but”, he warns summer. Naturally, Summer, expert journalist and Erinsborough’s moral compass, does no such thing, and races to piratenet to defame the building developers and council. Oh, and did I mention that as a community radio network, the council owns piratenet? And that this story is unfounded- based entirely on the coffee-shop mutterings of a stranger called ‘Franger’? And that the viewer is asked to accept that Summer is a brilliant young journalist? Fuck, in advising Summer to check the veracity of his claims first, Franger – Franger– has proven himself a more capable journalist than she

THU

At the Lassiters lake, Michael meets with a counsellor, who encourages him to talk to Tash- commenting, in sympathetic fashion, that “the first step is always the hardest,”  which is an analogy I’ve never fully understood, to be honest- especially, when looking at so many of life’s pursuits, the opposite is true.

"That first mile was tough- lucky for me it just got easier from there"

On Ramsay St, Tash’s aunt, Emilia, is having car troubles. Unluckily for her, Lucas is on hand to deliver unequal measures of help and sleazy innuendo. I guess Lucas considers their first meeting a success, as he ends their discussion with a grimace as oily as his overalls

Later, while walking to school, Tash remarks that she can’t wait til she turns 18 so she can obtain a copy of her mother’s death certificate, and all the answers contained therein, as though being 18 was an actual requirement, and not just a desperate effort on the part of the scriptwriters to prolong this storyline for another interminable couple of weeks

Sometimes I wonder why i bother holding the writers to account on stuff like this- it's like criticising a retard's drawing of the mona lisa for being inaccurate

At the garage, Lucas services Emilia’s car while attempting to woo her. Realising that his best efforts are being ignored, Lucas steals a move straight from Seinfeld and nabs one of her personal effects – in this instance, a boot- to ensure he sees her again

"Costanza, you genius!"

FRI

Unbelievably, Lucas’ plan comes off without a hitch, as he lures Emilia to the bar so that she might collect her belongings. Glass of wine pre-roofied, he encourages her to stay for a drink, but she sagely declines, commenting that Lucas sounds like ‘damaged goods’, to which Lucas, in an oddly defensive tone, perhaps mindful of his brother’s ruined scrotom, retorts, “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with my goods, thankyou very much!”

'Goods'? No - 'Bads'

Clearly of the belief that manipulations and lies are the way to a woman’s panties, Lucas arranges for Emelia to make a house call to give him a beauty treatment, announcing, as she arrives, that he ‘takes pride in his appearance’

Note Lou's bemused expression. Classic neighbours

At the conclusion of his treatment, Emilia consents to a date with Lucas, leaving Lucas rather chuffed with himself.

And Lou's vaudeville antics in the background continue to steal the scene

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