Archive for December, 2011

Neighbours Recap 28th November-2nd December

December 20, 2011

Apologies for the lateness of this recap everyone, work’s been busy, and it’s christmas- and you know, all that shit. I’ll try to deliver next week’s in a more timely fashion.


Over at the Kennedy’s, Susan confronts Mal – telling him that she knows about him and Jade. Ashamed at her son’s infidelity, Susan soundly castigates him. Mal responds with a look that perfectly expresses his intense feelings of shame, guilt and self-loathing – or of his slight discomfort with mild indigestion- it’s impossible to tell

"ooh, I knew I shouldn't have had mexican for lunch"

Outside, on Ramsay st itself, Emelia impresses upon Tash the need for her to be positive and upbeat for Michael’s benefit. “Ok,” she agrees. “I’ll be perky nurse Tash!”

I did a google image search for 'perky nurse'. The results were as you'd expect.

The trio then head to Harold’s, and with Emelia in an indulgent mood, she announces her intention to buy ‘the most expensive thing on the menu!’. While Emelia heads to the counter to order the seven-dollar BLT, Tash notices Paul at a nearby table and engages him in small talk- commenting that ‘the whole thing between Kate and Noah is so weird!’ ‘Cos like, they’re totally not one another’s type!’

"Kate totally isn't Noah's type! I mean, he thinks that she's the love of his life, but.... wait, what was my point again?"

Anyway, Paul takes Tash’s speculation as hard evidence of some kind of conspiracy- no shit, making this face as he ponders what manner of intricate circumstance could have led to Kate kissing Noah:

"What would drive Kate to such out-of-character behaviour? Maybe I should ask Rhys."

Suspicions aroused, Paul grabs Noah and demands answers. Naturally, Noah spills the beans, and Paul attempts to convince Kate to tell the Victorian teaching board of Brennan’s death, but it seems that Kate only uses tragedy to justify her sluttiness to herself, as she refuses to bring it up.


Fortunately for Kate, at Paul’s behest, Noah comes forward and tells Priya the ‘whole story’, in an awful scene, in which Noah’s ambition to overact is as overarching as his eyebrows, as he does precisely that

"look how seriously i'm acting!"

At schoolies, Andrew and Chris hit the town. Andrew likes schoolies- it’s where he goes to commit fraud by acting as a concert promoter and to sleep with girls in committed relationships. No wonder Summer was so cool with him being up there without her. Anyway, it isn’t other girls that Summer need have worried about, as a series of photos from Andrew and Chris’ wild night are flashed across the screen. You need to have been pretty eagle eyed to catch them, as each was literally on screen for a split second, butt they provide a pretty compelling picture of the nature of Chris & Andrew’s relationship.

oh ok, that's nice I guess

ok, a little bit 'european', but not outrageous

I see. Andrew's genitals are in Chris' face

The next morning, Andrew awakes, groggily, his butt hurting almost as much as his head. Leaping to his feet, he feels a liquid discharge from his cheeks. “What the hell is this!?” he asks Chris.

"oh, that's just santorum." explains Chris, helpfully

At the coffee shop, Priya explains to Kate that the matter of her ‘indiscretion’ will be handled internally, explaining that ‘Noah made it clear that he was the one chasing you’- as though this rationalisation carries any merit whatsoever.

"Well sure I fucked a 12 year old, but she came onto me! So am I free to go, or what?"

Priya also mentions that she’s ‘sorry for her loss’ and implies that Brennan’s death must be taken into account when considering her actions.

"It's true! I really loved him! He was the only man for me. While fucking Rhys i thought about Brennan at least, like, twice!"

Back at schoolies, Chris takes a bunch of photos to add to his facebook album, titled ‘things I did last night’

Back on Ramsay st, Kate tells Paul that she no longer intends to pursue teaching, and says that she’s “*always* putting other people first- worrying about their feelings and what’s good for them!”

"Like the time I forced Andrew to delete Summer's journalism project- jeopardising her future career, because I wanted to conceal evidence of my own wrongdoing!"


Kyle’s back. With crutches. Returning from an injury sustained by the actor while playing indoor football, the writers had the luxury of several weeks to apply the full force of their creative talents to craft a plausible story to explain Kyle’s reliance on crutches. So what did they choose in the end?

"I fell over a dog!"

Meanwhile, a bunch of raucous teens hurl insults at Kate for having kissed Noah, as Noah is apparently the most uncool kid in school. Chortling among themselves, Jade strides over and confiscates the object of their amusement

see, I wouldn't have thought 17 year old kids would do something like this, but I guess i'll defer to the writers- they're totes in touch with the kidz

Out on ramsay st, Michael chats pleasantly with Summer, enquiring how the rest of her exams went. Amnesia really is the hackiest tool in the hack writer’s arsenal. Karl, meanwhile, gets called in to work to cover for Rhys, who has called in ill. Karl’s suspects foul play, however, when he notices Rhys playing golf in his backyard and admonishes him for pretending to be ill, when he plainly isn’t.

“I didn’t say I was ill,” explains Rhys. “I said I was sick.” As though a semantic distinction exists.

At Erinsborough High, Franger has been assigned the task of cleaning a wall, which has been graffito-tagged with punnish reference to Kate kissing Noah.

She floats his boat? Is she the floodwaters? I'm confused.

Kyle then joins Franger and finds, discarded in a nearby bin, a letter addressed to Kate. Having no respect for the privacy of others, Kyle reads it and learns of Brennan’s death. He then rushes to Kate to offer his condolences. Kate, however, cannot bear the conversation, and, distraught by Brennan’s death, rushes outside, where she’s confronted by Rhys and his long, hard 9-iron.

Rhys: "Wow, this is just like the last time you were upset about Brennan. You grabbed my shaft then, too."


Chris returns home from schoolies with a gay pride sticker, which he insists Lucas display at the garage. Lucas duly obliges, though he obfuscates its message by placing it directly above his pro-catholic bumper sticker

As fate would have it, the Erinsborough homophobe then returns to the garage, son in tow, and comments on the gay pride sticker as an example of political correctness gone mad. Surprisingly, given the writers’ love of stereotypes and cliches, his gay son doesn’t act particularly effeminately .

Though he does look like Fakelan. So there's that

With a lot on his mind, Toadie turns to post-it notes to help him keep track of his hectic workload

"now, what was that one thing that's been at the centre of all my character's storylines for the last few weeks? Oh yeah, that's right."


The episode begin s with Franger strutting around the house in some red trunks that leave nothing to the imagination.

Providing, that is, you were imagining what a gay man in red panties might look like

Later, after he’s slipped into something a little bit more fabulous, he joins Jade and Kyle in the kitchen, where Rhys is preparing a sumptuous lunch to apologise to Jade for getting upset after she sabotaged his job interview. Jade, for her part, accepts the apology for grunting ‘what’s for dessert?’ before criticising him for not having prepared more of her favourites.

I fucking hope he's put poison in her meal.

After lunch, Kyle finds himself under some mistletoe, and Jade, Mal Kennedy’s splooge not yet dried on her bedsheets, launches herself at him in a bid to spread some ‘christmas cheer’

also, herpes

Later, at Charlie’s, Chris bonds with Blake, the gay son of the Erinsborough homophobe- at least until Tash intrudes, pulling Chris aside and telling him that Blake likes him. “Blake isn’t gay!” protests Chris.

“Of course he is!” replies Tash.

"I mean, just look at what he's wearing! If he were straight, like Franger, he'd be wearing a purple singlet, accessorised with a necklace and frosted tips!"

Later, still at Charlie’s- Jade explains to Kyle that she’s afraid of relationships because her last boyfriend hit her, and that this is why she turns to unavailable men. You see, why it’s perfectly permissable for a man, be it Franger or Rhys, to bet with one another as to whom can fuck a stranger in a bar, a woman, be it Kate or Jade, cannot simply be promiscuous. No, there has to be something ‘wrong with them’ for it to be justifiable.