Neighbours recap 14th-18th November 2011



Upset that her favourite tv show has been cancelled, Kate calls Noah and invites him around so she can forget her troubles with some good old fashioned fucking- as is her wont. Their efforts to initiate romance are stymied, however, by Noah’s skin-tight hipster jeggings, which prove troublesome to remove.

"Come on dammit, I haven't had any cock for a good 5 minutes!"

At any rate, I believe Kate is going about it all wrong; i’m pretty sure Noah hides his penis under that hat of his.

Elsewhere, with Toadie and Sonya finding private time increasingly difficult to come by, they resolve to have a romantic night together. Unfortunately for them, Callum insists on hanging around the house, like the stink from his jizz-crusted trousers. To assist in securing some private time, Sonya enlists Jade to persuade Callum to go over to her house, but her initial attempts prove fruitless.

"come on callum, you can help Franger find a reason to be on this show"

Anyway, they finally shift Callum, but no sooner has he left than Lucas intrudes to inform Toadie of his intention to reject the developer’s offer to buy his business, explaining that he doesn’t want to wind up like Michael, who ‘was so stressed he gave himself a stomach ulcer’- because stress totally does cause stomach ulcers. Also amnesia.

With Sophie and Noah staging a ‘protest gig’ at Charlie’s to force to council to reverse their decision on piratenet, Chris heads to the Kennedy’s to persuade Summer to come along.

"come on Summer, it's 'the' Noah Parkin, plus Kate's little sister- it'll be the gig of a lifetime!"


At the gig, Noah serenades a disinterested Kate, with a song written just for her. Kate, meanwhile, has worn her best potato sack for the occasion

Later, while flipping through Noah’s scrapbook, Sophie realises that Noah is in love with Kate, leading Sophie to conclude that her new hairstyle and nose ring has been a futile effort to gain his attention, when it seems that what he really wwants is formless, dowdy, pensioner-wear that showcases, all too cruelly, her boyish physique.

Later that night, Franger and Rhys head to Charlie’s to celebrate the quashing of the shopping centre development via lucas’ refual to sell his business, where they leer at an attractive woman at a nearby table.

A woman whose idea of a good time, evidently, is to dress up, head to a bar, not buy a drink, and pass time by staring straight ahead

After a few minutes of obnoxious ogling, they then insult her, calling her ‘high maintenance’, before commencing a bet to see which of them can hit that.

But with her pick of these two fuckwits, surely she's the real winner


After wasting several hours playing a game of ‘see who can spit in the other’s mouth’, Rhys finds himself late for his job interview

franger: "And to think Callum didn't want to play. Kids these days have no time for the classics"

To add insult to injury, he’s terribly hungover from the previous night’s shenanigans, and he soon realises that his ability to answer the questions fired at him by his interviewer, the head of surgery, is severely impaired, as he only gets 99% of them right.

"Fuck!I could only name 7 minor complications of thyroid surgery- there goes my career!"

Rhys then returns home, where he shouts, reasonably, at Jade for not having informed his that his meeting had been rescheduled. “What am I, your secretary?” she screams back, clearly of the belief that common courtesy falls outside her responsibilities as a housemate and a friend.

Later, attempting to set a new record for homes wrecked in a 24 hour period, Jade calls Kyle to bitch about Rhys and conspires to evict him from the house, before heading out to fuck a married man. I think Jade might be the most unlikable character neighbours has ever seen.


Levity is provided at the Williams household, as Tash attempts to make a vegetable soup for Michael, with hilarious consequences

He's either having a heart attack or disliking the soup- Michael's acting range is limited

Oh i see- Tash is a terrible cook. She also proves incapable of converting ounces to grams. If only she were some kind of maths whiz.

Over at no.26, Franger reveals that he, and not Jade, is the person most responsible for Rhys’ poor interview, as he informs Rhys that he’d been buying Rhys ‘doubles’ all night, eliciting outrage from Rhys.

"You are an irresponsible moron!" he screeches.

Franger’s revelation goes some way toward solving Rhys’ conundrum- that is, his confusion as to why he felt so hungover when he’d only had a ‘few drinks’. Apparently, as far as Rhys is concerned, drunkenness is determined solely by the number of drinks consumed over a specific period of time, and no other metric.

"well I've done my formulas and they say i'm sober, but i can't seem to walk straight, so i guess it's a good thing i'm driving home!"


Trying to make amends with the head of surgery, Martin, over his shoddy interview, Rhys bails him up in a hospital corridor and begs him for  5 minutes of his time, to which Martin grudgingly agrees. “Ok,” he says. “Five minutes. Lunchtime at Charlie’s, don’t be late!”, he warns, although that seems an inevitability, given the vagueness of his suggested time.

Before Rhys can suck up to Martin, however, he first has to attend to Lou, who has come into the hospital seeking a  medical certificate that will allow him to get a refund on a cruise holiday that he has booked. Rhys agrees to run some tests, and will no doubt diagnose Lou with being surplus to the producer’s requirements. Whether it will be cancer or heart disease is the only question remaining.

Meanwhile, at Tash’s, Emilia has made a visit, with a soup for Michael, and to help Tash study. While tash is sequestered in her room, Michael and Emilia murmer, conspiratorially, about how Tash can ‘never know the truth’, which, if I know neighbours, will be something along the lines of Emilia being Tash’s real mum, or perhaps Tash being adopted, thus freeing Tash and Michael from the genetic, if not cultural, taboo of their union and allowing them to finally resolve that bubbling romantic tension.


One Response to “Neighbours recap 14th-18th November 2011”

  1. Dr Cheesedick Says:

    Jade is a despicable human being. I’ve seen crime dramas in which serial killers have more warmth and likeability than her.

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