Neighbours Recap 5th-9th December



Ok, I have a confession- I lost my recap notes for this episode. And while I’m happy to watch each episode once so that I might recap neighbours’ sweet, sweet awfulness, to watch an episode twice is simply a bridge too far.


Jade, bags packed, stands outside no.26, prepared to leave ramsay st. Again. At the same time, Kyle sits on a bench, while Jade’s confession of love for him echoes in his mind. I look forward to the inevitable hoary soap opera staple of a race against time to the airport, where, moments before the plane’s departure, they embrace. Just once I’d like neighbours to surprise me with something other than plotlines direct from the hack writer copybook.

At the garage, Lucas tends to Chris, who was knocked unconscious by a mystery assailant- whose identity, naturally, will be withheld by the writers for months on the mistaken presumption that anyone gives a shit.

Back at no.26, Kyle bursts in and discovers that Jade’s cleared out her room. Mal then enters to tell him of Jade’s departure, but before he can open his mouth, Kyle punches him in the nose.

"I'm willing to hold everyone but Jade responsible for her bad decisions. And to think, people said we had nothing in common!"

Bizarrely, everyone in ramsay st rallies to find Jade before she leaves town, despite her having fucked every single person on the street, be it figuratively or literally. At the coffee shop, Franger attempts to explain the saga of Jade and Kyle to Kate in a way that could shed light on Kyle’s motivations for wanting her to stay. Realising that they’ve set themselves an impossible task, however, the writers have Franger’s desperate, mumbled explanation mercifully cut short, by Kyle knocking over a counter display of peanuts.

Franger: "and the reason Kyle still wants Jade despite her acting so awfully toward him is... oh Kyle, now there's nuts all over the floor!"

The action then shifts to Melbourne, and i’m genuinely surprised by the creativity of the writers for once- it seems there won’t be a tearful reunion at the airport after all- you see, Jade’s decided to take the bus.

Touche. Well played, writers.

Anyway, some more shit happens, then, of course, this:

Yay! It's the perfect love story! Providing, that is, your perfect love story includes rejection, infidelity, broken marriages, lies and deceit!


At Charlie’s, George Pappas approaches Lucas for answers as to how Chris got bashed. “Do you think he was bashed because he’s gay?” asks George.

“No, that’s not what happened.” replies Lucas, confidently.

"There's only one homophobe in town, and he's got an alibi," explains Lucas.

At Tash’s urging, her, Emelia and Michael head to the beach where her mother died, and while Tash heads off for a walk along the beach, Emelia and Michael reminisce happily about the day Tash’s mum died. It seems that they’d been fucking in the back of his car while Tash’s mum was drowning.

"You were so wet that day I thought I was going to drown!" chuckles Michael


One person who is leaving ramsay st is Mal, a character I’ve always liked- sleeping with Jade notwithstanding. Speaking of the Kennedy children- whatever happened to Libby? I can’t even remember the cock-and-balls story the writers fed us to explain her absence in the first place.

Anyway, with the person Sonya had organised to play Santa failing to show up, a replacement who fits the physical profile of St. Nick is needed. Naturally, the burden of this responsibility lands with Sonya herself.

Like a glove

Jade, meanwhile, has decided to come to the Erinsborough christmas party dressed not as santa, or an elf, but as a slut.

how boring- she wears this every year

Trapped in a storage container through a series of unlikely contrivances (also known as- the cause of everything that happens on ramsay st), Karl and Susan share some precious memories over a bottle of wine and a photo projector, until, warmed by nostalgia, they passionately embrace- blue box be damned.

It's a christmas miracle!

Susan then immediately informs Karl that that was a goodbye kiss and that he needs to move his shit out of the house.


The person responsible for Karl and Susan being trapped, it transpires, is Toadie, who eventually arrives to move his car- having  parked at the storage centre for, well, some reason, i’m sure.

At Charlie’s, the teens sit around a table, anxiously awaiting their VCE results. Summer is especially nervous, the Damacles sword of  Michael’s inevitable remembering of her exam transgression dangling over her head. What an absurd storyline that was.

Anyway, elsewhere, Lucas reviews the CCTV camera footage from outside grease monkeys and identifies the culprit using the ‘zoom and enhance’ feature of the video footage. Rather than take the evidence to the police, however, like a normal person, Lucas takes it to Toadie’s boss, for some reason. While waiting to see him, who does he see enter, but the very man previously identified as Chris’ assailant

"That's him, I'd recognise that leather jacket anywhere!"

Later, back in her standard maternity-wear, Sonya has a playful tussle with Callum, who, emboldened by Sonya landing a stray hand in his genital region, paws awkwardly at her breasts.

"Hey, i'm a teenage boy with needs. This acting gig as Callum doesn't get me as much pussy as you'd think"

At the garage, the hospital’s gross negligence has resulted in Chris being discharged before anyone had taken the chance to review his x-rays, which reveal a shattered rib-something a physical examination would have diagnosed, but anyway- a fragment of which could theoretically puncture his lung at any point. Guess, then, what happens next!

You said it, 'Imsouncreative'. Hang on.. are you a neighbours scriptwriter?


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