Neighbours recap Week 6 2012



It’s Madcap hijinks a go-go over at number 30, as Sonya accidentally knocks a small hole into the wall in the course of redecorating the living room. Luckily for her, a piece of cardboard, cleverly placed, hides all evidence of the damage. Hopefully Toadie won’t find out! How is it that my own mundane existence is infinitely more exciting than the events on a drama series that professionals are paid to write?

If only the scriptwriters' failure as people could be as readily concealed

In Port Douglas, Kate ditches Erin during their ‘girls holiday’ to go on a walk with whichever guy it is that she’s fucking this week, leaving poor Erin to sit alone in a bar, with only her ipod and book for company.

Though really, it is a step up

Also at the bar, unbeknownst to Erin, is Paul Robinson, who is busy questioning patrons as to whether they’ve seen Kate, until he’s rudely bumped into by a long-haired vagrant, who, it transpires, pick-pocketed his wallet in the process

I guess Port Douglas' reputation as a hotbed of dickensian criminality is richly deserved

Paul then buys Oliver Twist some lunch in order to glean some information about Kate, but loses patience when Oliver has the gall to request a drink to accompany his lobster meal.

"Please sir, I want some more!"

In the jungles of Queensland, meanwhile, Kate reveals to her ‘dude’ that she ‘really likes him’, and will miss him in Vietnam. In between continually displaying a penchant for an obnoxious quirk of turning his head to the right and breaking out in a shit-eating grin, dude suggests he come along to vietnam

dude wanted to point this thing at the camera but the neighbours insurance wouldn't cover it

At Erinsborough High, Priya makes Michael supervise Kyle during his repair work to the girls’ bathroom, apologising as she leads him there, knowing that it could be traumatic for him to return to the spot where he fainted

"Also, i just dropped a case of the green apple splatters in there- it's all this indian food that i eat!"

Evidently, fainting in a corridor outside a bathroom is a traumatic experience, a Michael is haunted by a dizzying flashback of all the events that immediately preceded his collapse- and though hazy, he is able to discern the sound of Summer’s vibrating phone. This drives him to seek out Summer at the coffee shop and question her about the buzzing noise.

"I really think that rather than a random, inconsequential detail, the buzzing noise is the key to this whole mystery!" says Michael. "Speaking of which, is there some confusion over what caused me to collapse? Why am i even investigating this?"


Sitting alone in a classroom, Michael plays with the ‘vibrate’ setting in his phone. Rather than help him conceive bizarre methods of pleasuring Emilia, as was his intention, the process instead triggers a flashback to his confronting Summer in the bathroom and the realisation that she’d cheated.

Elsewhere, with Harold’s now a purveyor of plush novelties, Jade picks up a Valentines day present for Kyle.

I like how Harold's is basically the Room of Requirement

At Charlie’s, Emilia and Lucas exchange Valentine’s gifts.

"A Michael Williams latex face mask for me to wear during lovemaking? You shouldn't have"

At lassiters, tensions mount during a lunch between Kyle and Jade as he ditches her for 20 minutes to take a call from Paul about Kate. And why is Paul calling Kyle, of all people, to talk about Kate, you might ask, reasonably? Because fuck you, that’s why.

Feeling betrayed, Jade confronts Kyle angrily about his concern over Kate, when, after all, she’s “just on holiday.”

“She’s not like you!” Kyle snaps back. “She’s trusting!”

"Like, remember how she fucked Rhys without even knowing anything about him? Not even his name! That's trust"

At Erinsborough High, Michael reveals to Emilia his concerns that Summer had cheated on her English test, and vows not to let her transgression go unpunished

"Cheating on a wife, that's one thing, but on a high school english exam? Despicable!"


Electing to resolve the situation manfully, Summer heads over to Erinsborough High to confess to Michael. Before she can do so, however, she’s pulled into a classroom full of year 12s by Priya in order to discuss her vast wealth of experience as a year 12 graduate and model student.

"The highlight of my year was almost making the whole year fail one of their exams!"

“What I really want to say,” she says, in conclusion,. “Is, please look after yourselfs.”

"How about a hand for our dux of english!" beams Priya. "And to think i'd been saying 'yourselves' all these years- what a fool!"

At Charlie’s, Jade regales Aidan with the saga of Kate and Kyle.

"I'm sorry, but who are these people? And who the fuck are you?" asks Aidan, confused.

Eventually, Jade leaves, giving Chris the opportunity to ask Aidan out on a date. I think it’s a good thing that neighbours has finally seen fit to include a homosexual couple.

And in another 15 years, they might even be allowed an onscreen kiss!

At Harold’s, Michael meets with Emilia and explains his reluctance to report Summer, but Emilia attempts to convince him otherwise, reasoning that ‘as his teacher and someone she looks up to’ he should ‘set the right example’

"Just think of how much she'll respect you after you ruin her life!"


It’s the morning of Chris’ date and he’s freaking out about his lack of experience. “I bet he’s been on a million dates!” he says to Tash.

"And all I know about gay lifestyle are stereotypes about their reckless sexual promiscuity"

Crippled with nerves, Chris then makes a faux pas as Aidan shows up for their date

"Hi Aidan! Do you mind if i call you Aids for short?"

Chris then reveals his plans for their date- a round of miniature golf- presumably because of the rich opportunity for innuendo, which, unless ‘Are you Being Served’ has lied to me, is a gay man’s principal characteristic.

"Hey Aids, how would you like to grab my balls?"

Over at Erinsborough university, Tash overhears a conversation between Andrew and Summer regarding Summer’s cheating, prompting Tash to confront Summer, calling her a ‘liar’ and a ‘cheat’. Tash then argues that Summer’s cheating put Michael in hospital. I guess this theory does make more sense than the long-debunked medical myth of a stress-induced ulcer.

Back at minigolf, Chris then gets a frantic phone call from a distressed Tash and realises that he’ll have to abandon his date with Aidan to meet her at Charlie’s.

"I'm sorry, but i'm going to have to blow you off"

In Port Douglas, Paul learns from Erin of Kate’s intention to take a cruise and heads down to the marina, but just misses her. Rather than wait for the boat to return, Paul then tries to commandeer a fishing dinghy, but is wrestled to the ground by two extras. It seems Paul’s commitment to piracy extends beyond his peg leg.

"Unhand me, land lubbers!"


Desperate for a child, Sonya takes pregnancy test after pregnancy test, but they all show up as negative. It seems Toadie’s sperm is as lazy as he is.

"That bastard Toadfish! I asked him to hang out the laundry and to get me pregnant, and he hasn't done either!"

Over at Port Douglas, Kate has learned from Erin that Paul had tried to track her down, and she’s furious.

Though her anger could stem from being made to wear absurd purple coolots.

Kate then calls Sophie, who tells her that everything’s fine back home. Sophie then asks Susan to be her new legal guardian, a role her uncle, Paul, is ineligible to fulfil for, umm, some reason, i’m sure.

Faced with the choice of returning to Erinsborough to face her responsibilities as a legal guardian, or fly to Vietnam with some dude she just met, Kate takes the option we’ve come to expect.

"Sophie can suck my balls! Hanoi here i come!"


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