Neighbours recap 19th-23rd March


Dear readers, so it is that with the departure from ramsay st of my distinguished colleague Hotdog, the burden of responsibility falls to me. You see, like many a neighbours scriptwriter, he’d lost his passion for his work, and decided to quit while he was ahead, rather than persist and have his work suffer, churning out ream after ream of awful, uninspired, crap. I have been away on a trip since my last recap though, and have missed lots of neighbours in the interim- neighbours which i do not intend to catch up on- so please bear with me.


Poor freckles. With Andrew angry at Summer for criticising his career choice, and Summer mad at Andrew for his insistence that she delete negative comments from an article she’d written, Chris is stuck like the meat in the middle of a sexy sandwich, where he’d dated one slice of bread, and had a huge crush on the other.

Chris diplomatically attempts to defuse the situation by convincing them both that their respective careers are equally important.

"I mean, you're both going places- you're in charge of booking gigs for a small-time band at a local pub, and summer is a staffer at an insignificant community rag"

Anxious to prove himself, Andrew hits the streets to drum up support for his band’s upcoming gig at Charlie’s. To this end, he unleashes the full force of his creative genious.

"Hey red jacket- red cotton?" He honestly, actually says.

Over at no.32, Michael realises that he has to go to Erinsborough High, and is dismissive of Emilia’s concerns to avoid Lucas. “Oh, it’ll be fine,” he says, confidently. “He was my best mate!”

"And it's not like i called him a Grease Monkey or made fun of his funny face, all i did was steal the love of his life, emotionally scarring him and making him forever mistrustful of women and the intentions of future male friends"

Over at Charlie’s, Andrew speaks with Celeste, the manager, and is surprised to learn that the negative comments about the band on the Erinsborough News website actually created some ‘buzz’, which led to a rush on ticket sales. I didn’t realise that criticism of something typically led to an increased enthusiasm for that thing.

“Hey neighbours writers- yes, you- your show is a fucking piece of shit!”

No, no, there’s no need to thank me, show producers, I believe that a good deed is its own reward.

Back at no.32, Tash is eager to fit in with her fellow uni students, but, aware that they’re hipsters, is worried that her non-vintage wardrobe will fail to impress. Luckily, Emilia comes to the rescue, with a leather jacket from the 80s which, she explains, belonged to Tash’s mother. As Tash tries it on, Michael walks through the door and, seeing Tash in the jacket, is struck by a strange sense of nostalgia and, for a moment, confuses Tash for her mother, Helena. “But…but.. you’re dead!” he stammers.

"I was at your grave this very morning!" he continues. "It's where I go every morning to take a piss."

Outside, Emilia experiences a twinge of guilt for her spate of wrongdoing that includes destroying Lucas emotionally, abandoning Tash, and of course, killing her sister, and to make herself feel better, records these transgressions on coloured paper and burns them in a barbeque, which she believes will assuage her guilt.

'Well, sure i killed my sister, but surely this 10 seconds worth of effort shows how bad i feel, right? Now, back to fucking that husband of hers...'

Unfortunately for Emilia, one of the cards, on which she’d written ‘it’s my fault Helena died’ blows away in the wind, surely to be found by Tash in an unlikely coincidence.


And here it is. Tash announces she wants to cook dinner for the house, and aware of her own limitations, suggests a simple bbq.

Over at the hospital, meanwhile, Toadie sits in Rhys’ office after being called in, with urgent news about his sterility test results.

Rhys: "And the tests show nothing. Oh, sorry, did I say I had news? I meant the opposite of that."

Over at no.32, Tash finally finds the note and demands Emilia tell her what it means. Learning the truth of her mother’s demise, Tash steals Michael’s car and sets it ablaze, then proceeds to stand next to it, dramatically, waiting for Michael to show up.

Michael: "Tash! What have you done! Mine and Emilia's sex stains were in that car!"


Concerned for Tash, Michael does not dob her in to the cops, electing instead to sit down with her and attempt to explain the situation. “I loved your mother,” he says. “But I also loved Emilia. Maybe when you’re older,” he adds, condescendingly. “You’ll see that it’s possible to love two people at once.”

"It's called having your cake and eating out your wife's sister."

Michael then has a chat with Emilia, asking whether burning the confessions made her feel any better. When she answers in the affirmative, he remarks, “Maybe burning the sandman will have the same effect with me and Tash.” For the life of me, I can’t tell whether this is supposed to be a joke or not.


At Charlie’s, Karl gets a phone call from the widow of one of his Right Prescription band members,  Jimmy, who’s just died, and with the funeral the following day, he asks Susan to go with him, believing that this thoughtful gesture could be the spark that rekindles their romance.

"I know how much you'd wanted to see Jim Dolan die, but you should get a load of this dude's corpse- he was all fat and shit!"

At the funeral, slapstick comedy abounds as Karl seizes the opportunity to serenade an emotionally vulnerable Susan, interrupting proceedings and wrenching a guitar from Jimmy’s rigor mortis clutches, while his poor widow screeches at him to desist.

"For the love of God, stop, you awful, awful man!"

At Charlie’s, Karl has dinner with the woman in charge of surgery at the hospital, and though I’ve missed a lot of neighbours recently, I’m able to gather that they’re dating. And the disappointment in Karl’s face couldn’t be clearer as he ponders the many ways she’s inferior to his previous extra-marital conquests.

"How did I go from Sarah and Izzy to this?"


With Toadie and Sonya taking a holiday away to de-stress, Kyle spontaneously volunteers to babysit Callum in their absence, and while Jade is disappointed at the prospect of missing out on a party, Kyle makes the most of the situation, enthusiastically playing video games with Callum, before trying to get Jade to join them.

"No Kyle, I'm not going to play video games with children. You're so immature sometimes! It's like there's a six-year age gap between us that the writers don't even seem to be aware of!"

Keen to drag Callum away from his laptop, Jade invites him to participate in something called ‘the noodle challenge’.To Callum’s chagrin, however, it does not involve the slurping of a gigantic bowl of ramen, but rather, his having to perform awkward high-kicks at a foam-based aquatic plaything.

Callum: "Oh I get it - noodle challenge- it's because you're asian, right?"


3 Responses to “Neighbours recap 19th-23rd March”

  1. Squelch Says:

    I think I’m in love with you.

  2. Rich Says:

    This first weeks worth of stuff just finished here in the U.K., I think you did pretty well as ‘the new guy’ so well done (I was always a massive fan of the other guy who did this too), and hope you keep it up for ages to come 😀

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: