Archive for May, 2012

Neighbours Recap 21st-25th May

May 30, 2012

I’m back! Sorry guys, I’ve been away for the last few weeks, but i’m here now and prepared to continue recapping the ridiculousness. I’ve missed a lot of neighbours, however, and will be making no effort to watch the missed eps – i’ll just attempt to fill in the gaps as best I can – i.e. make up shit as I go along.


Charlie’s appears to be hosting a charity ‘man auction’, with the male ramsay st residents set to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. I’m assuming there’s a terrible, convoluted reason for this auction – something like ‘they  need to save Harold’s from foreclosure because Lynn’s ongoing legal battle to have Steph freed from gaol has left her unable to pay rent on the premises.’ Actually, scratch that, that makes far too much sense for this show.

Elsewhere, Lucas appears to have died and gone to heaven, as there is now on Ramsay St an incredibly beautiful woman, named Vanessa, with whom he’s apparently slept and impregnated.

“What can I say? I’m a sucker for childish, rat-like losers!”

Later, Rhys is angered by Karl’s insistence that he’ll command a higher price at the auction that him, and so conspires with Vanessa to have her bid on his behalf. Conspiracy is necessary, because young, handsome surgeons are anathema to the ladies of Ramsay St, often overlooked in favour of shiftless, grease-stained layabouts.

At any rate, despite her having suggested the idea with a cheeky smirk mere seconds ago, Vanessa suddenly has reservations about the plan to submit  a bid under false pretences at the local man-hunk auction. “Is it legal?” she asks, cautiously.

Congratulations Vanessa, you’ve now said the stupidest thing in the stupid history of this stupid show.

Captivated by Kyle’s dead-eyed vapidity, Kate then spontaneously submits the winning bid for his auction. If this were another, better-written program, i’d be surprised that this unrequited-crush storyline hasn’t been resolved after lingering for months, but this is neighbours, after all.

Charlie’s seems to have saved their best for last, however, as Lucas moseys in and runs into Vanessa, who reassures him that his decision to forgo wearing a tuxedo for the auction doesn’t make him look like a slovenly vulgarian. “Some girls like the bad boy look,” she says. “It worked for me!”

Evidently, a cheap leather jacket is all that stands in a man’s way from attracting women who look like this:

Even if you happen to look like this:

Lucas then takes to the stage, where he’s described by the auctioneer as a ‘smouldering rebel’

“He may be bad,” she continues. “But that’s what makes him even better!”

From where did Lucas get this reputation? Is it because he rides a motorcycle? I’m honestly struggling to think of a single rebellious thing he’s ever done

that is to say, other than his rebellion against societal conventions like bathing and adhering to a basic standard of hygiene


Kate runs into Sophie on ramsay st and asks her what she’s up to

“I’m just going down to the library, to check out what’s new”

And here I was thinking that the writers were out of touch with the youth of today.

Kate then comes across Lucas, who requests that she tell Vanessa that Rhys is bad news, because of the way he treats women

“She can’t trust him!” he protests. “He’s the sort of guy who would sleep with a woman, then ditch her when she announces that she’s pregnant!”

Kate then takes Sophie to Charlie’s, where her pride in her menial employment is evident as she boasts that Sophie can ‘order whatever she likes’ because of her ‘staff discount’

“Wow, what a sweet perk!” exclaims Sophie, in awe of her sister’s high-flying position, hoping that one day her own career can soar to an equivalent height.

Meanwhile, over at no.24, Vanessa bakes a cake for Hugh.

And sends a text to Rhys informing him of this fact, for some reason.

Later, at the hospital, Susan comes across Rhys’ mum, and they share a coffee and a lengthy chat about the sort of boring shit that old ladies talk about, menopause and stuff. Finding out about this new friendship, Rhys confronts Susan and demands that she mind her own business. Overhearing this, Vanessa is shocked.

“I thought I liked bad boys, but Rhys’ expression of mild frustration is far too peppermint for me!”

Angered, Vanessa hurls the cheesecake into the bin.

It’s unclear why poor Hugh must suffer for Rhys’ trangressions

Anyway, who the fuck is hugh??

Hugh Jass?


Melodrama abounds at the coffee shop, as Vanessa takes a break from working to chat with Susan. “What he did was unforgiveable!” she bleats.

“Imagine, telling a nosy neighbour to mind their own business! It’s unprecedented!”

Jade then seizes the opportunity to mock Rhys’ misfortune with regards to Vanessa. “So she finally heard what you’re really like?” she preaches. “It was bound to happen sooner or later,” she continues. “Considering how many people you’ve done over.”

“Hey Jade, good story!” I wish Rhys had said. “You know who likes stories? Mal’s wife! Maybe I should give her a call so you guys can have a chat”

Rhys then heads to the coffee shop to plead his case to Vanessa, but leaves abruptly when she steers the discussion around to his family, as we’ve seen many times before whenever his father is mentioned. It appears as though his father may have disappointed him, or been an unsatisfactory role model, just like Tash’s dad, or Callum’s, or Summer’s, or Lucas’, or Chris’, or Andrew’s… Wait, is that the entire cast?

Speaking of Tash’s daddy issues, she then receives a phone call from none other than Michael, who informs her that he’s sold the house so that he can buy a place in serbia, and also so he can continue paying for her university fees, rather than have her suffer under the extremely reasonable tertiary education loans offered by the Australian government.

“You’ll be much better off homeless, living in the dirt” he reasons


Without a place to  stay, Tash heads over to the refugee camp at no.28, where she’s immediately given a room.  I wonder if the Kennedy’s would give me a room if I showed up on their doorstep.

At the gym, Jade takes a phone call from Toadie, who informs her that his boss, Charlotte McKemmie, has a client interested in franchising Jade’s ‘singles boot camp’ and that Charlotte will drop by the gym to discuss the offer. In the course of the phone call, who else should stride in through the front doors but Charlotte herself, who is then left waiting impatiently for Jade to stop gasbagging.

Awkwardly for Jade, she then greets Charlotte, who introduces herself as Charlotte McKemmie, aka the very person Toadie mentioned, four seconds earlier, that would be dropping by the gym to discuss a business offer. More on this later.

Anyway, over at the coffee shop, Karl tells Susan about how Tash is living with him following Michael’s decision to sell the house. “So, he’s just kicked her out then?” asks Susan. “Oh, well not really..” replies Karl.

By which I assume he means – “yes, Susan, exactly like that, as in, she was forced to immediately evacuate the premises, without Michael having arranged any alternative accommodation for her”

Karl’s bizarre interpretation of recent events are never explained, however, as the action then shifts to no.28, where Summer soon realises that despite them being best friends, one night in one another’s company is too much for her to stomach, as Summer quickly becomes exasperated with Tash’s antics; chiefly, her selfishness in using up all of Summer’s organic shampoo

“First I have to have you as a constant reminder of how you dated and slept with Andrew hundreds of times, with mine the sloppiest of seconds, and now this!”

Back at the gym, Charlotte’s gym partner finally breaks under the barrage of insults she’d been hurling at him.

“And the correct term is ‘Micropenis’, you bitch!”

Remarkably, this is actually the first time in Neighbours history that a person suffering a bump to the head hasn’t fallen into a coma, only to emerge months later with fresh memories of a long-forgotten traumatic incident.

Oddly, Charlotte being hit does appear to have affected jade’s memory, however, as she seems completely shocked when Charlotte announces the ‘real reason’ for attending Jade’s gym class – to offer her a business deal

“Remember, Jade, the very business deal Toadie told you about ten minutes ago?”

Back at the Kennedy’s, and things go from bad to worse, as Tash reveals herself to be a revolting grub, getting filthy biscuit crumbs all over the couch cushions!

Just looking at that disgusting slob makes me grateful that studly Lucas is still on hand to sex up our screens

Over at no.26, Jade returns home to tell Kyle all about the exciting business opportunity. It seems as though some wealthy individual wants to ‘franchise’ Jade’s ‘singles boot camp’, because nothing like that exists here, and also, I suppose, because the very notion of a singles gym experience is copyrighted. Or maybe this investor wants to franchise Jade’s particular business model, because it’s so successful.

Six attendees! Look out, Sydney!

Jade thus has to fly to Sydney asap to meet with this investor, and takes Kyle for moral support, leading to Kyle having to cancel his charity auction date with Kate, but not before Kate is finally, at long last, able to vocalise her thus-far-unrequited love for him.

Just kidding! He totally butts in before she gets the chance. Classic Neighbours!


At Lassiters park, Summer hangs out with her new boyfriend Griffin, the chief fuckwit of Red Cotton, the band Andrew manages, and I can’t decide which of his features I find more loathsome, his hipster quiff or his sideburns.

“Don’t be a hater!” he would say. “Quiffburns are so hot right now”

Meanwhile, Andrew looks on jealously, as Summer had surely intended – you see, much as she dumped Harry to date the captain of his basketball team, Summer, the cruel bitch that she is, often elects to rebound onto a close associate of her ex.

Some continued stalking by Andrew, however, reveals that despite his snappy vest, Griffin isn’t quite the handsome gentleman Summer imagines him to be, as he’s caught making out with some floozie in the hotel carpark.

“That bastard!” thinks Andrew. “Cheating on Summer! It’s been at least three weeks since I’ve done anything like that!”

Over at the Men’s shed, the new lineup of the right prescription practise for an upcoming gig. The new members include jack-of-all-trades Ajay Kapoor and Stuart, a doctor friend of Karl’s. With creative differences driving a wedge between Ajay and Karl, bickering ensues, until Stuart can take no more and quits, leaving the band short of a bass player, a position I assume will be filled by Ajay.

“Ladies & Gentlemen – introducing ‘The Right Prescription!”

Over at no.22, Griffin is annoyed by Andrew’s interference in his relationship with Summer, apparently having assumed that no problems would arise in the course of dating his band manager’s ex-girlfriend. With Griffin refusing to stop cheating on Summer, Andrew quits as the band manager, leaving the band short of representation, a role I’m guessing Ajay will assume.