Archive for July, 2012

Neighbours Recap 25th-29th June 2012

July 23, 2012


The episode begins with  a shot of an ambulance speeding down a road

The nature of the emergency, however, is left an intriguing mystery. Luckily, then, the writers see fit to furnish us with the following:

A reverse-sequence narrative- how avant-garde!

Meanwhile, back on Ramsay St, Sonya calls Toadie in a panic, worried that Callum had gone over to Troy’s to speak with him. “Don’t worry Sonya, I’ll be right there.” promises Toadie- a promise he’d have surely kept if not for the intervention of this episode’s storyboarders, who, in place of a bad traffic jam or sudden onset of violent diarrhoea, have decided that Toadie is to be inconvenienced on this occasion by a flat battery in his car.

It’s funny, I knew this situation was imminent the moment Toadie asked Lucas to install a battery intensive weather-monitoring station inside his car. Wait, that did happen, right?

Over at no.32, Callum helps Troy build a coffee table, and, following Toadie’s example, considers bashing Troy’s skull with a chunk of wood.

I’m beginning to fear for Troy’s safety

After finishing the table, Callum then escapes his clutches, just as Sonya and Jade burst in to liberate him, who are themselves then cornered by Troy and held hostage. Thankfully,  Jade has the calm presence of mind to reason with Troy, and helps him to realise that his erratic behaviour is counter-productive to his efforts to gain access to his son.

By which I mean, she punches him in the stomach and runs away

Giving pursuit to his attackers, Troy trips over his sofa and cracks his head against the coffee table

I guess the coffee table did get him in the end

An ambulance then arrives on Ramsay St to help Troy, but when the paramedics burst into no.32, he’s nowhere to be seen.

A la every B-grade horror film ever made

The ambulance then leaves, without administering medical care to anyone, leaving me to question the significance of including it in the opening scene


Over at Charlie’s, Rhys shows off his new look

Which he describes as ‘Arthur Fonzarelli goes to a job interview’

Like Fonzie, Rhys then dispenses some cool advice, telling Kate that Troy is probably harmless and that, if anything, Toadie and Sonya are the ones who have been antagonistic, before telling Kate, in closing, to ‘sit on it.’

Later, at the Lassiters complex, Troy emerges outside Ajay’s office, yelling furiously and attempting to force entry, before collapsing in a heap to the ground.

I guess he needed the right prescription.

While Troy is attended to over at Erinsborough Hospital, Vanessa and Lucas have an argument, which lasts several minutes, about whether or not Vanessa should bring over some food for Toadie and Sonya. I’m not joking, that is the entire scene.

Vanessa: “I think they need food!”. Lucas: “And I think they should be left alone!” Repeat, for 2 minutes and five seconds. Television at its finest.

Over at no.30, Jade and Sonya console one another, while Jade has a flashback wherein she tearfully tells of how being with Troy has ‘affected her whole life’, and, specifically, that the abuse she suffered ‘affected her relationships with men’. I guess she’s referring to her habit for short-term sexual relationships with guys who may or may not already have partners, without any concern for the consequences.

“You see, it was only after dating Troy, my own sister’s ex, and the father of my nephew, that I became the sort of person that would start dating my own sister’s ex and the father of my nephew” she reasons, paradoxically

Things then go from bad to worse for Jade, as she receives a visit from the local constable, who informs her that she could be charged with assault if Troy survives- and if he doesn’t, she could be up for manslaughter.

“But don’t worry.” assures toadie. “I’m going to go for the ‘two wrongs make a right’ defense”


Outside, on Ramsay St, Jade learns that it was Rhys who told the police that Jade had attacked Troy – information he learned in the few moments Troy was lucid. This causes Jade to fly into a rage, with Kyle having to physically restrain her.

“How dare you try to force me to be accountable for my actions!” she screams. “You piece of shit!” she adds, for effect.

Oh well, Jade may have been prevented from kicking Rhys’ arse, but at least she can take comfort in the memory of the time she did exactly that.

Unluckily for Rhys, Jade isn’t the only one mad at him for his actions, with Vanessa scandalised that Rhys would report an instance of life-threatening physical assault. “You should have done the right thing!” she squeals.

“And what if troy dies?” asks Vanessa. “Jade could actually get in trouble for killing him!”


Over at no.24, Lucas attempts to sneak in unnoticed, but is sprung by Vanessa, in the kitchen making breakfast, who deduces that Lucas was out all night sleeping with women

Out all night foraging for women’s soiled panties is clearly a much likelier possibility

Lucas then begins flirting with Vanessa, at least until Rhys emerges from Vanessa’s bedroom, and Lucas, the stink of last night’s sex crimes still clinging to him like a cheap leather jacket, takes umbrage at the sight.

“if she only knew how much I love her and how it pains me to see her with another man..” mutters Lucas. At least, I think that’s what he said – his voice was obscured by him attempting to simultaneously pluck errant strands of hooker pubes from betwixt his teeth

Over at Harold’s, Andrew attempts to convince Ed to use his maths skills to cheat at Blackjack and win them some money, but Ed won’t have a bar of it, and refuses to help them in any way, taking his cheating formula with him, claiming, as he leaves in a huff, that ‘the whole notion of probability theory was my idea’

“That, and homo-sapien bipedal movement. I invented that too”

Back at no.24, Lucas questions Vanessa about Rhys staying the night. However, Vanessa is quick to reply that she made Rhys sleep on the couch, in a furious rejection of Lucas’ implication that she was some kind of floozie.

“Of course I made my own boyfriend sleep on the couch!” yells Vanessa, outraged. “What kind of girl do you think I am? The sort of girl who would fuck a dirty stranger they’d just met at Charlie’s, without a condom?”

Over at no.28, Andrew brainstorms ideas with Tash on ways to swindle people out of their hard-earned money- that is, other than charging people to see The Right Prescription, but is dismayed to see Tash distracted by her iphone apps. However, Andrew’s frown is soon turned upside-down, as this gives him the idea to create a blackjack card-counting app

“It’ll be just like all those free card-counting apps,except we’ll charge people money for this one! How could we go wrong?”


Requiring Ed’s help in developing their app, Tash tracks him down at the park, where he, and a gaggle of his fellow nerds are readying themselves for some heavy LARPing- that is- Live Action Role Playing. The writers really are laying on the nerd stereotypes pretty thickly with Ed, what with his glasses, his habit of doing maths on napkins in his spare time, and his fondness for recreating medieval battles, dressed as ‘Eric the Viking’, complete with foam sword.

Oh, and having hot chicks interested in him- that’s another nerd stereotype, right?

Later, on the ‘battlefield’, Eric the Viking’s motivational words inspire Tash to pound some nerds and help him win the game for their clan, or whatever. Anxious to impress Tash, Eric then bequeaths unto Tash the clan’s most treasured possession.

He’s going to catch hell when his comrades find out he’s given the sacred horn of Arangoth to the newcomer

Oh, and elsewhere, Summer has a dinner party to celebrate some bullshit, and winds up kissing Andrew.

Hooray! or something