Neighbours recap 4th-8th June 2012



To celebrate the 60th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign, the residents of Ramsay St host a Jubilee street party, because that’s the sort of thing that totally happens in this country.

Kyle has even worn his finest union jack muscle shirt, which appears to be a pillowcase with armholes cut into it

Kyle’s ingenuity doesn’t stop with pillowcase garments, however, as he reveals to Kate some Will and Kate face masks that he’s crafted from cardboard and some elastic.

I guess this is why Zeke called him Crafty Kyle

At the coffee shop, Vanessa explains to Sonya that Lucas has asked her to move into ‘his’ house permanently, and admits that ‘practically, it makes a lot of sense’. She must be referring to the way that, as the newest member of the house, she now resides in the smallest and worst room, or that her housemates are a slippery weasel of a loser of  a man, a boyfriend-thieving bitch, and a leathery old conman. Or maybe she’s referring to how convenient it is to be  living with the guy who impregnated her and is clearly in love with her, while she’s begun dating his hunky arch nemesis. Or perhaps she just means that living on Ramsay St is necessary because of its proximity to her job.

After all, it is a glamorous, high-paying gig, and sure to offer maternity leave!

After learning that Sonya and Toadie have given their unborn baby a nickname – ‘Jellyfish’ – Vanessa calls upon Lucas to follow suit, who suggests ‘Plugger’, in reference, he says, to AFL legend Tony Lockett.

And not, he insists, for his desire for the baby to act as an effective barrier against Rhys’ probing of her internal cavities.

At the street party, meanwhile, Kate has chosen to honour the occasion by dressing as English comedy pioneer Joseph Grimaldi.

She even applied the face paint. True dedication

Kate then tells the boyfriend of her best friend that she wants to be with him, cos that’s just how she rolls.


There’s action aplenty at no.30, as Troy barges in and begins hurling hilarious insults at Toadie, suggesting that Sonya’s baby may not even be Toadie’s, and that Toadie’s status as adoptive parent only to Callum makes him ‘second best’ to he.

Troy: “Plus I slept with Sonya first, making you ‘second breast’

In fairness to Neighbours, this was one of the better choreographed punches in the show’s history . Troy then rushes outside clutching his nose, followed by an angry Toadfish, while the assembled Queen’s Jubilee street party attendees deduce what had happened, and are suitably shocked.

Good thing the Queen wasn’t there, she’d have been so wide-eyed with shock at this demonstration of violence from a former penal colony that her monocle would plop right into her cup of earl grey

Troy then exacts revenge against Toadie by calling the police and registering a charge of assault, though with no physical signs of having been assaulted, or with any witnesses willing to corroborate Troy’s version of events, and with Troy having an obvious motive against Toadie (he’s dating his ex-wife and raising his child), the police naturally dismiss Troy’s allegations.

Or they would have, if this show wasn’t written by morons.

The consequence of Troy’s claims is that Toadie can no longer stay in his house. News of this development causes Sonya to faint.

Neighbours rule #326- at any given point, a pregnant women is one nasty shock away from a pregnancy-threatening fainting fit


Over at no.24, Lou discusses with Kate an offer that was made to him by one of his clients- that is, for Lou to accompany her on a 2-month trip to the UK, with Lou acting as tour guide, and, presumably, sex servant – services for which she’s prepared to pay Lou 10 grand.

“Tell that bitch she’s dreaming!” demands Kate. “You could earn double that on the streets!”

At the hospital, Toadie tells Jade that Sonya’s fainting spell somehow increases Troy’s ability to gain access to Callum. Such concerns, however, are irrelevant, considering that child custody laws in Australia take the child’s views into account – and 15 year-old Callum’s objections to seeing Troy based on his history of threatening and erratic behaviour would preclude Troy’s obtaining any form of custody. Of course, such things have not occurred to the writers, who apparently envision a scenario that would involve Callum, under penalty of the law,  forced into a relationship with a man, who by all accounts, is a violent stranger.

“Callum Jones, I decree that you will engage in father and son activities, including and not limited to: fishing trips, playing catch in the backyard, and a minimum of three awkward talks about the ‘strange stains on the bedsheets'”

Meanwhile, Jade, who up until this point has kept quiet about her abusive relationship with Troy, is spurred into action after Toadie laments the absence of any police reports or hospital records that could have proven Sonya’s claims of Troy’s violence toward her. “Is that what you need to win?” enquiries Jade, with a look of sudden realisation.

Jade: “I never would have thought that a record of domestic violence could reflect badly on a person in a custody battle!”

Jade is reluctant to go public with her claims, however, for fear of exposing the fact that she was in a relationship with Troy, with Jade apparently operating under the mistaken belief that news of her having slept with another person’s boyfriend would come as a surprise to someone.

In Jade’s defence, you’d probably only need a small-to-medium sized abacus to calculate her instances of sexual impropriety

Eventually, however, Jade comes clean to Sonya, who proceeds to yell at Jade angrily to leave her alone.

But she can’t be that upset- she hasn’t even fainted.


Susan visits Sonya in hospital, who tells her of her frustrations with Jade. “Why didn’t she tell me about their relationship the last time he was in town?” she asks, furiously.

Yeah writers, why is that?

At the coffee shop, the ‘future of Andrew’s business’ is on the line, with an offer for The Right Prescription to perform for a fan’s party, but sophie is unwilling to perform with the band, concerned about the effect it could have on her cred.

Look at yourself Andrew. The future of ‘Andrew Robinson Entertainment’ depends upon your ability to convince an eleven year-old to play a gig at someone’s birthday party. I think it’s time to call it a day.

Sophie, however, persists with her stubborn refusal to play, leaving Andrew to storm off in a fit of pique. “You ever ask me to be your manager and I will say no!” he huffs.

“And then how are you going to land sweet gigs like playing at the local tavern or in some nobody’s backyard!”

At the hospital, Jade apologises to Sonya for dating Troy, rattling off bullshit like: “He was so charming, and I was so lonely.” Sonya buys it, however, ending that little conflict. Telling Kyle proves to be a tougher proposition, however, and rather than do so, Jade instead does as she always does in a moment of crisis – she splits, telling Kyle that she’s going to stay with Sonya for a while and that he’s not to bother them, because, as she puts it, ‘it’s family stuff’

But I thought Kyle was family?


Outside Lassiters, Paul’s PR agent/girlfriend lands some PR gold as she reveals that an unnamed magazine wants to run a feature on Paul’s home life. ‘At Home with the Robinson’s,’ she tells Paul. Honestly, at home with the Robinson’s? Who could possibly be interested in the domestic happenings of the local hotel manager? I don’t even give a shit about Paul’s life, and he’s a principal character in this show.

Over at no.28, Karl learns that Tash intends to defer her uni course for a while until she figures out what she wants to do. Karl considers this a waste of her time and proceeds to tell Tash a cautionary tale about a ‘brilliant scientist’ he knew at university, who decided to defer for a year. “And I just saw him the other day at the hospital” continues Karl, with a sense of foreboding. “And he was working as a medical courier!”

Maybe he’s retired and was filling in for a friend, or maybe he owns the company- or perhaps he just really enjoys what he does for a living Karl, you condescending shit.

At Charlie’s, a revolting nerd asks Tash for another napkin, because the one he’d been using to scribble equations onto was full. This turns Tash on immensely, so she approaches him, asking if he’d like some help, an offer he rejects, patronisingly stating that ‘he doesn’t have time to explain the basics’ to the likes of her.

Yep, they’re totally going to date. If there’s one thing I know about hot chicks, it’s that they go wild for socially isolated losers who insult them.

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