Archive for August, 2012

Neighbours recap 30th July-3rd August

August 30, 2012


At Charlie’s, Tash meets with Ed to give him some money for developing the app, and he’s all short answers and sarcasm, instead of being weird, fawning and obsequious, lunch-money at the ready, as any nerd would be in real life when spoken to by his betters.

“Oh, umm… hi, erm, Tash. Do you like my X-wing t-shirt? Did you know that GL – that’s George Lucas – designed it while working on his third draft of an as-yet unreleased manuscript?” he does not say.

Later, at Erinsborough Uni, Tash and Ed sit awkwardly in maths class. Of particular interest is the dowdy maths professor, dressed in the manner in which the writers – too stupid to have attended uni themselves- imagine a maths professor would dress.

“Good morning class!” he announces. “I’m Mr. Tired von Cliche.”

Mr. Cliche then requests two volunteers to undertake an ‘equation challenge’, where Ed exacts a measure of revenge on Tash by beating her. Or did she let him win? These are the questions that will keep me up tonight.

Dear readers, are any of you good at maths? Cos i’m willing to bet this whole thing is complete bullshit.

Later, over at no.24, the real estate agent for no.32 visits Lucas and tells him that his offer for the property has been accepted by the bank. I’m so happy for him -I’ve been on tenterhooks with the weeks-long saga concerning Lucas’ living arrangements.  In a triumphant mood, Lucas then reveals to Vanessa the crib he’s built for their baby.

Oh wow, look at that fucking monstrosity. It’s exactly like the time homer built bart that clown bed.

Lucas then reveals that he’s bought no.32, and takes Vanessa around to show off their new property. Unfortunately, she doesn’t appear to share his enthusiasm, outright refusing to move into the house, and not on account of the bizarre situation of bringing up her child in a house with its biological father, while spending the bulk of her time with Rhys, effectively raising the child with two fathers – but rather, out of superstition, given that Troy fell and hit his head on a coffee table. “I can’t live in that house,” she insists. “because of what happened in there”

She must be referring to Toby Mangel’s bedwetting problem. That was a sticky business, that.


At the coffee shop, Lucas attempts to convince Vanessa to move in, suggesting that he only bought the house in order to “keep a roof over her head”

If only Vanessa’s skint surgeon boyfriend wasn’t on minimum wage.

Later, at the coffee shop, Rhys enters and attempts to buy a coffee, but finding only cracker crumbs in his pockets- the remnants of yesterday’s meal- he heads into the kitchen, to beg vanessa for some change. While there, he also tells her that he doesn’t mind where she lives, or with whom.

Maybe Rhys has it all figured out. Lucas takes care of the parenting responsibilities, and he’s just uncle Rhys, who gets to bone Vanessa every night.

Also, at the end of the episode, Sonya tells Toadie that, against his wishes, she wants to have a home birth, because drama.


Over at no.24, Ajay discovers that Paul’s fence encroaches on his property, and heads over to no.22 to inform Paul, hoping to use this news as leverage to get Paul to relax his ban on Ajay putting up campaign posters around Lassiters.

Say, this trivial, pointless dispute over fence placement reminds me of that time Karl and Joe Scully got into a trivial, pointless dispute over fence placement.

“Oh come on!” argues Paul. “This situation is completely different – their dispute was over 46cm of land, and this is 55cm!” “Chalk and Cheese!” he continues.

Realising that she still loves Kyle, Jade heads down to his work area to talk to him, but to her dismay, finds him busy chatting with Kate, who’d been sent by Paul to speak with Kyle about moving his fence, something that Paul could not do himself for some reason. Also, mobile phones don’t exist. Anyway, Jade takes this conversation to mean that Kyle and Kate are fucking, or soemthing, and storms off.

“You mean I got all dressed up like a hobo for nothing!?” cries Jade, angrily.


With Toadie’s libido in decline, he begins to suspect that his problem is one of self-confidence. To this end, he hires a motivational coach to pass on gentle encouragement as he makes love to his girlfriend.

“Yes, that’s it Toadfish, you’re doing super!”

Unfortunately, the constant stream of praise goes to Toadie’s head, as he begins to view himself as a supremely cool Fonzie-type character – to the extent that he makes the other members of his household dress as the ensemble cast of Happy Days.

“Come on Dad, this is lame.” protests Callum. “I don’t even know what a Richie Craningham is!”

Elsewhere, Andrew receives a phone call from a mystery gaming syndicate, offering to purchase his app for 25k. Andrew is pretty stoked, but Ed is sceptical, surmising that the casino might somehow appropriate the app to “increase their profit margins”

“Ok guys, how about this.” pipes up Ted. “This app tells people that the odds of winning on black in roulette are 50%, so how about we introduce a third colour – purple!”. “Bravo!” applauds the boardroom. “That’s why he makes the big bucks!” proclaims Bill, from accounting.

Ed continues to push the issue, framing it as a moral dilemma to accept the money, at no point considering that taking 25k off a casino might be a risk-free victory over the casino’s system of odds manipulation, or that the app, in the real world, would undoubtedly lead to increased gambling, insofar as it would instil within its users a sense of confidence and infallibility when betting.

Also, later, at Charlie’s, over drinks with his motivational coach, it’s revealed that Toadie has created a twitter feed, for his baby, from the baby’s perspective. This is the worst thing Toadie has ever done.


Over at no.26, a surprise party is held for Jade to celebrate the franchising of her ‘singles boot camp’, and every attendee is either a neighbour of hers, or one of her gym clients. Can you imagine being asked to attend a surprise daytime party for the benefit of your gym instructor?

“No way, you weird loser!” you would say. “Don’t they have any actual friends?”

Elsewhere, the casino ups their offer for the app to 50k, but with Tash still unwilling to sell, Andrew takes it upon himself to seal the deal by forging Tash’s signature on the contract. The menacing music tells me that this is something rather treacherous.

And back at the party, Jade deduces that it was Kyle and not Rhys who organised the party – though it’s unclear why they lied about it to begin with- and under the foolhardy assumption that someone – anyone- gives a fuck about Jade’s relationship with Kyle, the writers string together several minutes worth of them missing one another in the form of them each wistfully staring into the distance.