Neighbours recap 9th-14th July



Over at no.30, Kyle approaches Jade, intending to tell her about his tryst with Kate. “I’ve got something I really need to tell you,” he says. Of course, however, Jade is busy with some bullshit errand. I honestly don’t believe that someone being ‘too busy’ to listen to the urgent news of a close friend or partner is something that ever happens in real life.

Except in the world of Neighbours, where it happens roughly twice per episode.

So what was the urgent business Jade needed to attend to? Saying goodbye to Callum and Toadie before they left to go to Troy’s funeral. I guess Jade had to be there, along with Sonya, to give emotional support on this traumatic occasion. For Troy’s funeral. The same troy both Callum and Toadie loathed, wanted nothing to do with, and whom Callum even contemplated murdering.

Anyway, at the funeral, Callum soon becomes bored and decides to try out an ill-timed stand up routine.

“Hey guys, I’m here to put the ‘Fun in Funeral!'” he begins.

Later, on Ramsay St, Kate finds Jade and tells her that she kissed Kyle. Visibly upset, Jade runs inside and tearfully reveals her disappointment with Kyle, despite Kyle’s protestations that he just got carried away in the moment and that it didn’t mean anything.

perhaps Kyle should have just punched Kate in the stomach


As Summer and Chris have lunch at Harold’s,  Andrew adds a touch of drama to proceedings as he adds a link of Summer’s Erinsborough news ‘skate park’ article on facebook.

“Do you think this means he likes meeeeee?” bleats Summer

I really do hate every stupid character on this stupid fucking show.

Also at Harold’s, Tash and Ed are busy with some computering, neglecting their coffees, much to Vanessa’s disapproval. “You two had better have a good reason why those coffees are going cold!” she threatens. “I’ve spent the last 5 years learning how to make the perfect expresso!”

If only she’d spent five seconds learning that an ‘expresso’ isn’t a thing

Back at no.26. Jade packs Kyle’s things and dumps them on the street, telling him to get the hell out of there. To Kyle’s credit, he does call Jade a hypocrite for sleeping with Mal, “but that’s different!” counters Jade.

“Because Mal was married, and I slept with him lots of times, whereas you and Kate only kissed. Also because I was only sleeping with him because I was really in love with you, remember?”


At Charlie’s, the myth of Lucas being some kind of smooth ladies man is perpetuated as he picks up an attractive, non-blind woman. The following day, his legend continues to grow as, while reading the morning paper, he discovers that the particulars of his sexual conquests have been used by Summer to create the titillating basis of her  new advice column. Outraged, Lucas endeavours to find out the person responsible, and learns that it was Chris who passed the details of Lucas’ love life onto Summer. “You made me look like some kind of sleazy loser!” screams Lucas.

Bless him, Chris defends himself by suggesting that yes, Lucas truly is a sleazy loser, which appears to come as news to Lucas, who, it seems, always envisaged himself as more of a scarlet pimpernel.

“Hello Madam, might I tempt you, perchance, for a snifter of brandy, or some buttsex?”


Over at no.26, Rhys has invited Vanessa around for lunch, and to seize the opportunity to ‘take their relationship to the next level’. Rushing over to his house, she’s greeted with a rose by Rhys at the door, and promptly leaps into his arms, smothering him with kisses until Rhys shrugs her off, ushering her into the kitchen and revealing to Vanessa the third member of his quest for afternoon delight.

Vanessa: “A disabled woman? Ok, that’s pretty kinky, but i’m down with it”

Over at Charlie’s, the Right Prescription sing one of their new songs, and Susan becomes suspicious that Karl may still have feelings for her.

It must have been the lyric “I still love you Susan” which did it.

Concerned by this, Susan strides up to the stage, yanks the lead out of the amp and tells Karl that he’s embarrassing himself. Karl, however, calmly explains that the song is, in fact, about Libby, leaving Susan feeling quite the dickhead.

Anyway, I wonder what happened to Libby. As far as I can tell, Kym Valentine took leave from the show due to some mental health issues, as though she’d been deeply traumatised by some horrific event.



Angered by the fact that Rhys has no interest in the petty squabbling of his housemates, Vanessa heads home to prepare pancakes for Sophie and Kate, and they discuss, without any irony, how Rhys is a weird loner who doesn’t really have any friends.

Not like Kate, with all of her friends, and Vanessa has, umm….. does Lucas count?

Later, over at no.24, Kate is hanging with her best friend, Sophie, when they’re visited by an inspector from child welfare, with Kate faced with the prospect off having to tell him that Sophie still lives there, or risk having herself, Lucas and a pregnant Vanessa turfed onto the street. Unfortunately for them, Kate appears to have confused herself with someone who isn’t a two-faced whore. “I can’t lie!” she claims.

“Except about all those things I’m always lying about,” she adds, reasonably.

The inspector then comments that he noticed some pregnancy books in ‘Sophie’s room’, which, of course, is actually Vanessa’s, and asks Kate whether Sophie is expecting, which prompts Sophie to bound into the room and tell him that she was simply doing some research for a school assignment, which seems to satisfy his curiosity without exacerbating the situation.

Or maybe she announces, like a retard: “Yes, It’s me, I am pregnant!” I’m not sure which.

Sophie’s pregnancy revelations cause Kate to realise that the situation has gone too far and comes clean, admitting that Sophie in fact no longer lives in the house, but rather, “next door with her uncle,” which is, evidently, a living situation that is grossly unacceptable. “There’s a demand on resources at the moment, we have to make sure real estate is allocated to the right people.” He insists, firmly.

“The programme was established to house teenage girls with loving uncles who live next door to them and who have spare bedrooms, not for pregnant women with nowhere else to go!”


4 Responses to “Neighbours recap 9th-14th July”

  1. Mcclane Says:

    Ha ha ha! Chiming with the thoughts I have when I (inexplicably still) watch this show! I have so much hate for these douchebags yet always watch, my hang up I know! At least it’s not eastenders though, I harbour less hate towards war criminals than some of that cast…(and still watch that too, doh.)

  2. Jim Dolan Says:

    If the writers had any kind of talent or creativity between them I could easily be persuaded that Rhys is a meta-character. He’s there to represent us, the disgruntled viewers. We know that almost everybody on the show is a nauseating hypocrite, therefore Rhys knows it too, and it’s his role to hand out the retribution.

    His ‘loner’ and ‘anti-social’ behaviour is actually how most decent, respectable human beings would act if they lived on the same street or had to share a house with these arseholes.

    The writers of course have no idea of what an interesting character they actually have on their hands and genuinely believe they have created some kind of legendary ‘bad boy’ character in Rhys.

    The only time he’s been horrible is when he sabotaged Erin’s career for no fucking reason. But I maintain that only looked bad because Erin was a new girl and we had no reason to hate her. If she was a long established character, she’d probably have turned into a whiny, self obsessed bitch (just like Summer, Kate, Jade, etc etc) and by that point I’d be cheering Rhys on as he destroys her life.

    Sorry I have to go now, my girlfriend said she had something important to tell me and I told her to STFU while I finish writing my comment. Better go and see what she wants…

  3. Kat Says:

    Haha please never ever stop doing this recaps!

  4. Greg Says:

    Thanks for the comments guys, love the username Jim Dolan, what a great plot device he was. I really think you’re on to something with Rhys, at times he seems genuinely perplexed by the way in which everyone on the street seems to be all up in one another’s business. I’d like to see the writers develop this characteristic – perhaps they could even include a scene where he drinks beers at charlie’s with random extras, who turn out to be some of his friends from outside the street – because, as I imagine he would point out to Kate – he “does have friends outside of erinsborough. You know,” he would continue, “like a normal person.”

    Unfortunately I can’t see that happening – the writers seem to have a habit of destroying good characters – for instance, the shit they’ve pulled on Callum- specifically, the way he’s been mutated from a fat, funny, rebellious little shit into a fat, video-game obsessed mummy’s boy. His hijinks have been replaced with tears about toadie’s workload into Sonya’s bosom.

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