Neighbours recap 3rd-7th September



Over at no.32, Lucas sits alone, admiring a photo in which he’s posed in a manner that suggests his intentions to defile Vanessa, in both orifices

I think that move’s called the ‘Tom Thumb’

Lou then interrupts his daydreaming by entering the house, carrying a bassinet. Vanessa, it seems, has given birth prematurely, and as Lucas takes his baby into he arms, he recoils in disgust, disturbed by the baby’s curiously frozen, expressionless face

Hang on..I think this baby might be Ned Parker’s

At Charlie’s, Kyle graciously offers a gift to Sonya’s unborn baby. It’s not frankincense, or mhyrrh, but something much more worthless- a 2% share in his ‘Dial-a-Kyle’ business. That is, his handyman business, with a staff of one, attending to the fence-mending needs of the local community.

Ever modest, Kyle attempts to downplay the generosity of his offer. “Sure, 2% of the company only works out to be 7 bricks,” he says. “but who knows what it could be worth in the future? 8 bricks, maybe. And a broken shovel!”

Kyle does this because he was witness to Sonya’s offer to Jade to be the baby’s godmother, and, being a simpleton, and also, apparently under the impression that he and Jade are married and not in a 6-month long relationship, believes this makes him godfather. Kyle then goes to get drinks, and Jade tells Sonya of her frustrated efforts to disabuse Kyle of this belief. In fact, she’s at pains to describe it

How funny. I was making that exact same face this morning. Had KFC for dinner.

Back at no.32, Toadie tells Sonya that he’s all for Kyle being the godfather, as “Kyle’s a good bloke” and dismisses Sonya’s concerns about the very real possibility of Jade and Kyle breaking up, saying that “in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter if they’re together.”

except for the fact that the kid’s godfather will just be some random douchebag who dated his mum’s sister for a few months

Out on the street celebrating their status as godparents, Jade and Kyle are surprised to see a police car approach. “Are any of you Kyle Canning?” asks the officer, before unveiling his passenger, a weedy kid with a misshapen head. “Harley!” exclaims Kyle.

He’s the ragamuffin, troublemaking cousin of Kyle. We know these things because the writers had him arrive in a police car. And called him ‘Harley’, which I imagine is the toughest-sounding name they could think of. Subtlety is not their strong suit.

Over at no.32, Lucas offers Lou the role of godfather to his child, stating that he could ‘use some guidance’

Lou: “The key is spending quality time together,” suggests Lou, sagely. “I try to see Lolly at least once every 5 years.”

Over at no.26, Kyle then advises Harley that he’ll be staying in their house for a while, ‘until you stop being an idiot.’ Unfortunately for Kyle, this doesn’t appear to be happening any time soon, as Harley petulantly refuses to set the table for dinner, before prancing off to his room.

Ooh, he’s bad to the bone.


To teach Harley the value of hard work, Kyle takes him to his yard and makes him pack woodchips.

Dial-a-Kyle now has two employees! If the business continues to expand at this rate, maybe someday Toadie’s kid’s stock will be worth a whole shovel.

Over at no.28, Ed gets a message from his ‘hilarious’ friend ‘Tony’, who is in town, and suggests to Tash that they all go out together. Meeting at Charlie’s, Tash has a rude shock, as ‘Tony’ turns out to be ‘Toni’.

“It’s short for ‘Antoinette’,” she says, revealing that the writers are, in fact, dyslexic.

Toni then tells one of her trademark ‘hilarious’ stories. It seems there was a time at primary school camp when Ed accidentally wrote Toni’s name on a cabin allocation list as ‘Tony’.

“And i had to spend the night with 12 smelly boys!” she offers, by way of a punchline. Meh, she’s still funnier than Tim Minchin.

Over at Harold’s, Potsy and Ralph Malph face a predicament, realising they both like the same girl. Unfortunately for Callum, Rani appears to favour Harley, finding herself attracted to his ‘don’t give a damn’ attitude.

Harley: “Hey Rani, look how few damns I give, my feet are on the coffee shop table!”

You know,what I think I like most about this Harley situation is its originality. I mean, you have a troublesome teen getting himself arrested..

..and finding himself being looked after by his older, more responsible cousin on Ramsay st…

..before developing an immediate crush on the pious daughter of another ramsay st resident.


Determined to use his 25k worth of casino money wisely, Andrew, via montage, invests so hard he collapses

Remember kids, no more than one standard stock purchase per hour. Binge investing is hazardous to your health

Over at Erinsborough High, Kate has her first day back as a teacher and is tasked with teaching football to a PE class that includes Callum, Rani and Harley. To his credit, Harley brings up Noah, which is exactly what any high school student would do to a teacher returning to work after making out with a kid. The only mystery is why Harley’s the only kid making these catcalls, and why they aren’t more profane.

“Hey miss, I’ve got some balls for you to play with”

Attempting to impress Kate, Harley then awkwardly dribbles the football a few metres, and likens himself to Harry Kewell, even though he’s actually quite shit at football.

So really, exactly like Harry Kewell

After school, Kate heads around to her bike, only to find that some enterprising thug has dismantled it.

“Oh, you’re going to be sorry!” proclaims Kate, to no one in particular. “You’re going to get it when people find out you’ve messed with the town bicycle!”.


After passing out, Andrew heads to the hospital, where Karl suggests that the bump on the head Andrew suffered during the car accident may have left him with post-traumatic epilepsy.

“And have you had any flashbacks of repressed memories? That’s quite common too”

Over at Simmons & Colbert, Toadie’s law firm, Ajay has his first day in the office, and tensions arise as Ajay announces his intention to run the office social club, a position currently held by Toadie. “I really think I should be the one running the club,” pleads toadie. “You know, because i’m jocular and chubby, and always up for a prank or two!”

“come on now Toadie,” retorts Ajay. “You haven’t been like that since 2002.”

Over at no.22, Paul proposes to Andrew that they form a partnership and buy Charlie’s. He then shows Andrew some business cards he’s made up.

note the URL on the card

I wonder how the owners of the real Charlie’s bar feel about the writers stealing their website address

Back at the law firm, Ajay sees one of the partners, Gavin, talking to his wife, and noticing her baby bump, heads over to congratulate the couple and to ask when she’s due. “Uh..” replies Gavin, awkwardly. “She’s not pregnant.”

“What, you’ve never seen a slim woman with a comically inflated stomach before?!”


Intending to keep his epilepsy secret, Andrew draws up a list of three rules he intends to follow, which include ‘no alcohol’ and ‘avoiding driving’. To emphasise how much these rules will affect Andrew’s life, the writers have Paul burst in, literally as Andrew finishes transcribing his rules.

“I’ve bought you a new car! A car you can drive to the bar I’ve also just bought you!”

Meanwhile, over at Charlie’s, Chris lays his heart on the line as he tells Aidan that he wants to get back together, but Aidan is put off by Chris’ new persona as a ‘take control’ guy, perhaps concerned as to how it may affect their sexual dynamic.

Aidan: “I’m sorry Chris, but I liked you the way you were – a submissive bottom”

One Response to “Neighbours recap 3rd-7th September”

  1. Rich Says:

    Nice write up, kept me smiling whilst I was ill so thanks for that, keep up the good work 😀

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