Neighbours recap 8th-12th October 2012


Ok, I’ve missed a couple of weeks of Neighbours and have some catching up to do

First of all, there’s a strange woman living with Toadie and Sonya

It turns out she’s one of Toadie’s seemingly endless supply of cousins and is set to be a nurse at Erinsborough Hospital.

The hospital has seen something of an employment boom in recent weeks, with 2 doctors and 2 nurses now in full time employment. Expect more medical-based storylines. Maybe Lucas can get cancer and die.

Georgia is quickly established as the cheery foil to the sullen Rhys, and with Vanessa out of the picture I guess she’ll be filling the role of love interest too. This much is made obvious as she purchases Rhys a coffee and doles out a heaping helping of homespun wisdom.

“Life is like a cup of coffee,”she says. “Sometimes, it gives you the shits.

Later, at the park, during a game of 5-a-side football, Andrew starts to have a bout of epilepsy and calls it quits, to the disproportionate rage of Chris. “You can’t leave, you’ll make the teams uneven!” he squeals. “You’re wrecking this for everyone!”

“You can’t just leave midway through a casual kickaround at the local park, it’s unheard of!” cries Chris, flabbergasted.

“Do you know how hard it was to get Summer here?” screams Chris.

from earlier. “Hey Summer, do you want to go to the park and play football?” Summer: “Sure.'”

Heading back to the bar, Andrew disciplines Tash for failing to do her job properly, and is so distracted that he fails to notice his phone, buzzing with a reminder for him to take his life-saving medication for the condition that has been the focus of everything he’s done for the past several weeks.

well, 10.43am is an unusually specific time, I can see why he’d need reminding


To my puzzlement, Jade is back on Ramsay st, something which is, for the time being, a secret to the Erinsborough community, with Jade electing to spend some time alone with Kyle without fear of being bothered by all her good friends on Ramsay St.

Like, umm….. Sonya?

Over at Charlies, Summer learns that Andrew has epilepsy after she finds him jiggling on the floor, and considers telling Paul, until she witnesses him giving Andrew a hard time over the low turnout for the Charlie’s bar ‘trivia night’, a failure Paul attributes to ‘poor marketing’.

“We can’t afford to rest on our laurels!” rages Paul. “I mean, sure, we’re the only pub in town, but have you ever tried a milkshake from Harold’s? They’re very refreshing!”


Over at the coffee shop, Susan goes undercover as a hooker as part of her ongoing journalistic investigation into Erinsborough’s seedy underbelly of sex workers.

There’s something terribly disturbing about this…

Back at the office, Bradley Fox makes no effort at subtlety as he leers drunkenly as Susan’s bosom, while Susan is distracted by filing paperwork.

“No no Susan, not that paperwork,” suggests Bradley Fox, sleazily. “The ones at the bottom.

Susan then informs Bradley Fox that he will be mentoring Summer, though Bradley Fox is somewhat hesitant, unsure as to whether Summer would ‘be a good fit’, and suggesting that Susan might be more  ‘accommodating’. Nevertheless, Susan insists, and Bradley Fox commences his mentoring of Summer with a trip to the coffee shop. “Now, first thing,” he says. “You’re going to have to loosen up.”

“Might I suggest the Fist of Adonis?”

Seriously though, this Bradley Fox is a loathsome piece of shit, I think I hate this sneering fuckwit about as much as any other character in neighbours history.

With the possible exception of Fakelan

At Charlie’s, the trivia night is underway, though a malfunctioning projector threatens to ruin the evening. Without a backup plan – like, for instance, simply reading out the questions, like at every pub trivia in the world – Tash stands up and delivers an impromptu quizmaster performance.

Neighbours started to suck when
A) It moved to channel 11
B) Susan Bower was appointed.
C) Fakelan was introduced.

If you guessed any of the above then you’re wrong, neighbours has always sucked.

Anyway, tired of asking questions, Tash requests trivia participants to get up on stage and share their ‘daggiest dance moves’, and when Summer obliges, she’s immediately declared the trivia night winner. Afterward, Georgia is effusive with praise for the evening. ”That was the best trivia night ever!” she gushes, stupidly.

”I especially liked the part when that stupid bitch was declared winner for shaking it on stage, thus rendering every other question meaningless.”

Outside, Summer & Bradley Fox have a chat, with Bradley Fox attempting to appeal to Summer’s youth with references to what he believes to be the season’s hottest blockbusters. ”We ought to get you registered,” says Bradley Fox. ”You’re a Lethal Weapon.”

Just like Murtaugh, he’s too old for this shit.

Needless to say, Summer, demonstrating her unresolved issues with her father, loves Bradley Fox’s dad jokes and smooches him.

”Ooh, kiss me Max,” breathes Summer.


Driven wild with desire for Bradley Fox, Susan dreams about him coming onto her.

”I’m attracted to you Susan,” says Bradley Fox, as he lurches toward her like a rapist.

Over in the park, Kyle tells Jade his plans for their last day together before she leaves for LA – like she did a couple of weeks ago. Honestly, what’s the deal with this incredibly protracted character exit?

Just fuck off already!

I long for the days when a character would just up and leave within a couple of days, like Zeke, or just disappear instantaneously, like Joe Scully.

Later, Susan meets Summer and warns her about getting involved with Bradley Fox.

”He’s a revolting sleaze!’ warns Susan. ”When i asked him if he’d had the chance to study abroad, he replied, ‘yes, many broads.”’


In the coffee shop, Lou and Chris discuss how Sophie has ‘changed dramatically’ since returning to Erinsborough following her crash.

Perhaps she’s realised that life’s too short to spend around nosy fuckwits, the likes of which are a dime a dozen on Ramsay st.

Seriously though, it wouldn’t surprise me if Sophie was now in possession of psychic powers as a result of the injuries sustained in the crash – that’s precisely the kind of stupid shit I’ve come to expect from these worthless hacks.

Over at no.32, Vanessa’s Italian mumma comes to visit, and she doesn’t know Vanessa is pregnant.

Uh Oh Spaghetti-O’s!

At Charlie’s, Karl intrudes upon Summer and Bradley Fox’s drinks and makes friendly small talk until Summer excuses herself, at which point Karl’s mood changes immediately as turns to Bradley Fox and says, deadly serious,

”Cut the crap, asshole – what’s the deal with Summer?”

Ok, so naturally I’m paraphrasing, but that was the thrust of it, and it was awesome.

Unfortunately, any goodwill I held toward the writers for that scene is immediately undone, as Karl is steered around to Bradley Fox’s way of thinking, probably due in no small part to the many affairs Karl himself has indulged  in with women much younger than he. Anyway, learning of Karl giving consent to Summer’s relationship, Susan is outraged. ”Are you prepared to call Lynn and tell her that?” she asks, indignant.

Lynn? Oh, you mean the mother of the woman who was briefly married to her father. Has everyone forgotten that Summer has an actual parent?

Back at no.32, Vanessa’s mother learns that she is pregnant and proceeds to berate her with claims of Vanessa being irresponsible, and for being alone, and in a bad job with no prospects. All of this is criticism is completely justified, insofar as it’s completely true, yet Lucas feels compelled to interrupt, blurting out to Vanessa’s mum: ”I’m the father and we’re in love.” I anticipate that Lucas’ statement will lead to Vanessa’s mum staying in Erinsborough, forcing Lucas and Vanessa into a sham relationship in order to placate Vanessa’s mum, with their artificial intimacy soon giving way to real romance.

Of course,  neighbours may yet surprise me by electing to pursue, in this instance, something other than tired, shit, predictable, copy & paste plotting…

moments later: ”That’s it, I’m staying!”


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